Overwhelmed

[TwitchyCanuck 2]

I'm really struggling lately.

My anxiety used to be health related. I was always hypervigilant to what was going on inside myself, and had nearly nightly panic attacks thinking I had a heart problem or some other ailment. I was single then, and the isolation of being alone at night fed into the anxiety terribly.

Now I'm married. I had started to get a pretty good handle on my health anxiety, and being in a relationship dealt with the isolation that amplified my panic issues. Over the years in my relationship, though, I've come to discover more and more that the anxiety my wife suffers is not only a deeper affliction, but is complicated by depression as well. This has come to be a more serious and debilitating problem because of recent circumstances, and she's been struggling badly with it. 

This has left me in the position of having to try and help her through her issues, but doing that puts pressure on me as well and starts to amplify my own anxiety. I'm starting to feel worn down by it. I know that her outbursts, which can sometimes be really angry and harsh, are the depression talking and not her, but knowing that doesn't stop me from feeling the flare of anxiety and panic that they cause me. And, I'm stuck sometimes not knowing whether I should assume the outbursts are depression, or they're genuine expressions of how she really feels. I don't really have anyone to talk to about any of this, which just makes it that much harder.

I don't want to write a novel here, but I guess I just needed to get a little of what I'm feeling and what's going on out. I'm not alone with my anxiety this time, but, strangely, I feel almost more isolated with it.

[Bterflymom 155]

Well, now I know how my husband must feel at time although I don't have angry outbursts, I cried a lot for almost a year and am just now coming to the point of happiness again.  I strongly suggest your wife get a therapist to help her,  she needs professional help that is beyond your ability to help her.  Also you need some peace in your life too and getting anxiety yourself isn't a good thing.  Hopefully you'll find someone that will help your situation, don't give up.

[Kylie21 357]

Have you tried couples therapy for it along with individual?  In anxiety we have to figure out OUR version and issues and that is a task in itself then to try to help someone else is a huge battle. All you can do is support her and she support you. But I agree that you both need your own forms of help for anxiety because its always different for everyone. We may have similar stories or symptoms but everyone's is differently made up and therefore has to be worked through differently.

Best of luck.... Remember every hard time doesn't last forever and good ones will be ahead.

 

Ky

[TwitchyCanuck 2]

Thanks Bterfly and Kylie, it's good to have someone listen. We are, in fact, seeing a therapist. It's actually someone that my wife had seen in the past for anxiety issues, but we are going together now, during this latest bout with anxiety and depression. In part it's so I can better understand what my role in this can be, and in part it's to make sure she goes. It's also because I know she doesn't always volunteer the whole story when she's there, and she wants me to be there because I don't hold things back like that.

We're also waiting for a referral to a psychiatrist, but my worry is a little that we'll see the psychiatrist and all they'll want to do is throw pills at the problem. My wife is very resistant to taking medication, so we're trying to deal with this without drugs. I don't know if that's reasonable or realistic. My studies have taught me that talk therapy and CBT is more effective long term than medication, but I know you also only get out of therapy what you put in, and it takes time. My worry is that the pain caused by the depression will keep her from being able to fully absorb and internalize the skills from therapy. 

Basically, I just worry a lot. Ergo, anxiety.

And yes, the outbursts come as anger. I think for her the anxiety and depression build to a level that she needs to release some of it, and lashing out angrily and pushing people away is the release of energy she's always resorted to and found the greatest relief from, in the moment. But, when do I take that seriously, and when do I stick to my guns and say no? When she's saying we need to sell the house and move away from the neighbours (a source of our current issue) right now, immediately, when do I say that's the depression, and when do I say "she'll calm down, don't take that seriously"?

It all has me feeling like I'm stretched tight like a thread, and constantly worrying, and the slightest thing will set me off.

[Bterflymom 155]

Sounds like an antidepressant might help your wife with her issues.  She needs to at least get a diagnosis and then you can work from that information, at least that's what I think. You're getting anxiety trying to deal with her behavior and that's not good either, you have to take care of yourself too.  I wish you luck and hope you do see a professional who can give your wife a diagnosis and possible some medication to get over this hump you seem to be in.