Disturbing notices

[Darkfallen 0]

I'm a little leary of posting anything. Mainly because of a really bad experience on myproana.com, a site sorta like this one, but primarily for eating disorders. I was attacked soley on the fact that, unlike the medical diagnosis for anorexia, I am not skinny enough. But you see in this lies the problem, in my opinion. Because behind every emancipated girl/guy with anorexia is a person that once was of healthy or obese weight. (Well normally, anyways) But everyone here seems friendly and supportive, so here goes.

I noticed something disturbing at dinner tonight. What started once as stress causing no appetite, transformed into drastic restriction of portions. But tonight I noticed something, and how long have I been doing it? Before dinner I calculated the calories and quickly made the decision that I could only allow myself half of the normal portion. This is nothing inordinate. However after I sat down to dinner, cut my food in half, disposed of the food I wasn't going to eat, without out noticing or intention, I dissected my "allowed" food into small bits and consumed barely anything. I pawned off some to my kids and threw the rest away. Claiming I was "stuffed" and couldn't eat another bite.

It's been two hours since dinner and it just hit me what I did to myself at dinner. I probably wouldn't have even noticed if it were not for the fact that I almost finished school for my Phd specializing in psychology. But I clearly see this for what it is. This is a problem! This in more then just calorie restriction. This has crossed over into mental illness territory. And while I am too over weight to be medically considered anorexic, and apparently outrage and discuss those that are, I'm not sure what else to call it. Disordered eating doesn't seem fitting enough at this point, yet that's all I'm left with. At some point I'm going to have to find a way to correct this. And yes I am under the care of doctors. Several in fact. Yet in my twisted brain 90% of the time I think "I don't have a problem. I'm too fat to have a problem. Talk to me when I lose more weight." Then there is that 10% where my "would have been doctor" side chimes in and says "You are damaging yourself and at this rate you won't live to see 'thin'."

And for today I topped out at 363 calories in over the course of three "meals" and 1606 calories burned for exercise.

Anyways don't know why I'm posting but maybe I'll read this another day during my 90% irrational periods. Maybe something will get through.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi DF. First of all let me assure you that in no way do we ever criticize, judge or condemn on this site. Never. I have experience of other websites that relate to anxiety disorders and they frankly leave me shocked. For good conduct, good behaviour and good advice this site takes some beating. Why on earth should we be critical and unkind to each other? We all suffer and we need TLC not judgement. The very fact that warnings have to be given about bad behaviour on those sites shows the mindset they have. Keep away from them, they can only upset you.

 

Normally I would suggest that eating disorders need specialist treatment, but yours seems more of an anxiety problem. If I may say so you seem to be analysing too much. It's a strange thing but we can have all the degrees in the world, but when it comes to ourselves we have problems. I counselled for many years but when I get down days I find it so difficult to talk to myself in any constructive way. Intelligent people like you tend to 'overthink'. The brain works overtime and with an enquiring mind all sorts of conclusions pop up. 'Crossed over into mental illness'. I would question that. To me it is obvious that you a have a considerable understanding of what is happening, and knowledge, as you know, is so important. To know why something is happening takes it out of the realm of the unknown which is always fear provoking.

You know counting calories is not important unless you are overweight and need to do it. I do not believe you have 'crossed the border' yet into an obsessional behaviour pattern. The fact that you can see it for what it is and allow reason to come into the picture says a lot.

Allow your knowledge of psychology to help you in this situation. You know that continual obsessive thought about a particular imagined illness can bring all the symptoms of it. If you read the posts on this site you will find many examples of that.

Why are you labelling yourself 'anorexic' when there are no apparent symptoms of that disorder? If we are not careful we can become the 'label'. I know that calorie counting can be a symptom but it can also be OCD in overweight people. One problem so easily merges into another in anxiety that is sometimes difficult to see where one ends and the other begins. Are you over analysing?

Anyway, good to have you with us and if you feel you want to talk some more we are always here.     Jon.