Darkfallen

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About Darkfallen

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  1. I'm a little leary of posting anything. Mainly because of a really bad experience on myproana.com, a site sorta like this one, but primarily for eating disorders. I was attacked soley on the fact that, unlike the medical diagnosis for anorexia, I am not skinny enough. But you see in this lies the problem, in my opinion. Because behind every emancipated girl/guy with anorexia is a person that once was of healthy or obese weight. (Well normally, anyways) But everyone here seems friendly and supportive, so here goes. I noticed something disturbing at dinner tonight. What started once as stress causing no appetite, transformed into drastic restriction of portions. But tonight I noticed something, and how long have I been doing it? Before dinner I calculated the calories and quickly made the decision that I could only allow myself half of the normal portion. This is nothing inordinate. However after I sat down to dinner, cut my food in half, disposed of the food I wasn't going to eat, without out noticing or intention, I dissected my "allowed" food into small bits and consumed barely anything. I pawned off some to my kids and threw the rest away. Claiming I was "stuffed" and couldn't eat another bite. It's been two hours since dinner and it just hit me what I did to myself at dinner. I probably wouldn't have even noticed if it were not for the fact that I almost finished school for my Phd specializing in psychology. But I clearly see this for what it is. This is a problem! This in more then just calorie restriction. This has crossed over into mental illness territory. And while I am too over weight to be medically considered anorexic, and apparently outrage and discuss those that are, I'm not sure what else to call it. Disordered eating doesn't seem fitting enough at this point, yet that's all I'm left with. At some point I'm going to have to find a way to correct this. And yes I am under the care of doctors. Several in fact. Yet in my twisted brain 90% of the time I think "I don't have a problem. I'm too fat to have a problem. Talk to me when I lose more weight." Then there is that 10% where my "would have been doctor" side chimes in and says "You are damaging yourself and at this rate you won't live to see 'thin'." And for today I topped out at 363 calories in over the course of three "meals" and 1606 calories burned for exercise. Anyways don't know why I'm posting but maybe I'll read this another day during my 90% irrational periods. Maybe something will get through.
  2. Sorry that posted before it was finished. Anyways... I take my meds and read. I do NOT think about sleep. I don't even try to sleep. I find if I'm not trying to achieve sleep then I don't have panic attacks, and I don't get anxiety from frustration with myself. Instead I read, write, help people in my bipolar, PTSD, bpd support group and some nights I eventually pass out. I never am aware that I fell asleep and I only stay asleep for about 3 hours but at least I'm getting something without feeling like I can't breathe. Other nights in still awake when the sun rises and I just get out of bed and start my day. So for me acceptance is the key.
  3. Jon you are exactly right about living with PTSD and anxiety. I would like to think that over the years I've become quite good dealing with both. One of the ways I found to help me with anxiety is acceptance. For instance sleep is a HUGE trigger for me. Not only because of the night terrors that stem from PTSD, but also because some of my abuse was done to me while I was sleeping and I woke up in, let's call it "bad situations". Therefore, sleeping has become a complete fear for me. People don't understand how I can be scared of sleep, and I admit that it is hard being so afraid of something that you can't live without. Although I guess it could be worse, I could be scared of oxygen, that would be horrible. Anyways when I try to go to sleep I used to end up in a full blown panic attack at the thought of closing my eyes. On top of that I would also get anxiety from frustration that I was tired and couldn't sleep. About 7 years ago I discovered something. Instead of climbing in to bed at night and freaking out about falling asleep, I accepted that I didn't need sleep. Simply put, now every night I start the process of sleep at 8pm. This consists of me getting in bed, sitting up, light on, and reading. I take my bi polar meds, and as of the last year I also take restirol bc my doc said enough was enough and has decided to try and force sleep, but my issues are so bad that ambien or lunesta don't phase me.
  4. Sorry I don't know why that posted twice.
  5. Hi everyone! I want to start by saying that I've read everyone's posts and find so many similar things happening to me. First I am diagnosed bi polar, OCD, ADHD, and CPTSD. I am NOT currently diagnosed anorexic based solely on the fact that "I don't meet the medical criteria" because in short I'm fat! However when I was younger I was diagnosed anorexic with bulimia tendancies. Basically back then I never ate, but if forced to, I would purge. Back then my problem came from the sexual abuse from a "friend" and the physical and mental abuse from my mother. All of this trama leading to my CPTSD diagnosis later. Anyways I recovered, as much as anyone I guess. I mean does anyone ever really recover from an eating disorder? And don't even get me started on PTSD. There is no recovery for that. I guess the better phase would be that I found a way to "live" with everything. Long story short after years of anorexia, self harm, and drug use I finally found a way to live healthy again. Even healthy self harm is a huge issue for me. Any little thing bad happens and that's my go to. In fact I would venture to say that the only reason I ever had anorexia, or used drugs, was because it was a way to hurt myself without people seeing the cuts. Fast forward to now...ten years ago I met my husband. The first guy I decided to try a relationship with because of my PTSD. Because of him I stopped self destructing and got better. I thought. But here we are and something in him has changed. You know that constant loop in our heads? I'm ugly. I'm worthless. I can't do anything right. I mess everything up. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. Well I battle that every second of every day, but about 6 months ago he started saying those types of things to me. On top of that he convinced himself that I was cheating. First I would never. Secondly it simply isn't possible for me. Because of what I went through I can't stand to be touched much less sex with anyone. Between the accusations and the constant verbal jabs I fell into depression. But not the tired all the time crying sort. The never sleep mind racing kind. Fully manic despite my meds. Before I knew what was happening I started cutting again. Luckily I stopped after a week. I guess I woke up. Idk. But then I stopped eating. It started with being so upset and anxiety so high that when I ate it made me sick. Eventually I got tired of puking and learned if I could keep meals down to just a few bites then it stayed down. But at some point I stopped eating. I stepped on a scale after others complimented me on losing weight. When I saw the lower number it became an obsession. That scale has replaced my husband. Every bad comment he makes I march to the scale. I'm on it sometimes more then 4 times a day. It has become an OCD tick. Due to everyone's concern it was suggested to use myfitness pal and track my intake so I can see when I need more calories and add them. Instead now that number has also become an obsession. The lower my calories the better I feel. An average day for me is about 300 calories. On days I work bc my job is so active I have blurred vision and dizziness. But here's the clincher...I never meant to end back in disordered eating. I know it's not good. I almost graduated med school for Petes sake! But I just don't care. I've lost all control over my life. To my husband. To anxiety. To PTSD. (The nightmares are killing me!) but I found something I can control and I can't stop. Before anyone lashes out at me, please know that I've been attacked over and over on other sites because I'm fat and therefore don't belong. I get that. I do. They accuse me of treating anorexia as a "pet" to have. Or a "fav diet" I'm trying. Please just don't. I'm not doing that. I'm at my end here because I'm too fat to find support with people with the same eating behaviors apparently. There's no place for me at the moment. Maybe if I lose enough then I'll find a place that accepts me.
  6. Hi everyone! I want to start by saying that I've read everyone's posts and find so many similar things happening to me. First I am diagnosed bi polar, OCD, ADHD, and CPTSD. I am NOT currently diagnosed anorexic based solely on the fact that "I don't meet the medical criteria" because in short I'm fat! However when I was younger I was diagnosed anorexic with bulimia tendancies. Basically back then I never ate, but if forced to, I would purge. Back then my problem came from the sexual abuse from a "friend" and the physical and mental abuse from my mother. All of this trama leading to my CPTSD diagnosis later. Anyways I recovered, as much as anyone I guess. I mean does anyone ever really recover from an eating disorder? And don't even get me started on PTSD. There is no recovery for that. I guess the better phase would be that I found a way to "live" with everything. Long story short after years of anorexia, self harm, and drug use I finally found a way to live healthy again. Even healthy self harm is a huge issue for me. Any little thing bad happens and that's my go to. In fact I would venture to say that the only reason I ever had anorexia, or used drugs, was because it was a way to hurt myself without people seeing the cuts. Fast forward to now...ten years ago I met my husband. The first guy I decided to try a relationship with because of my PTSD. Because of him I stopped self destructing and got better. I thought. But here we are and something in him has changed. You know that constant loop in our heads? I'm ugly. I'm worthless. I can't do anything right. I mess everything up. I'm fat. I'm disgusting. Well I battle that every second of every day, but about 6 months ago he started saying those types of things to me. On top of that he convinced himself that I was cheating. First I would never. Secondly it simply isn't possible for me. Because of what I went through I can't stand to be touched much less sex with anyone. Between the accusations and the constant verbal jabs I fell into depression. But not the tired all the time crying sort. The never sleep mind racing kind. Fully manic despite my meds. Before I knew what was happening I started cutting again. Luckily I stopped after a week. I guess I woke up. Idk. But then I stopped eating. It started with being so upset and anxiety so high that when I ate it made me sick. Eventually I got tired of puking and learned if I could keep meals down to just a few bites then it stayed down. But at some point I stopped eating. I stepped on a scale after others complimented me on losing weight. When I saw the lower number it became an obsession. That scale has replaced my husband. Every bad comment he makes I march to the scale. I'm on it sometimes more then 4 times a day. It has become an OCD tick. Due to everyone's concern it was suggested to use myfitness pal and track my intake so I can see when I need more calories and add them. Instead now that number has also become an obsession. The lower my calories the better I feel. An average day for me is about 300 calories. On days I work bc my job is so active I have blurred vision and dizziness. But here's the clincher...I never meant to end back in disordered eating. I know it's not good. I almost graduated med school for Petes sake! But I just don't care. I've lost all control over my life. To my husband. To anxiety. To PTSD. (The nightmares are killing me!) but I found something I can control and I can't stop. Before anyone lashes out at me, please know that I've been attacked over and over on other sites because I'm fat and therefore don't belong. I get that. I do. They accuse me of treating anorexia as a "pet" to have. Or a "fav diet" I'm trying. Please just don't. I'm not doing that. I'm at my end here because I'm too fat to find support with people with the same eating behaviors apparently. There's no place for me at the moment. Maybe if I lose enough then I'll find a place that accepts me.