Breaking the silence

[Joeetaku 122]

What do you do when it's just you and one other person, but you just cannot think of anything to say?

 

This is probably one of my biggest social phobias. I'm learning to cope with having nothing to say in a larger group, but the same situation in a two-person 'conversation' makes me feel incredibly awkward. The exception is if I'm with somebody I know well, or generally feel comfortable around anyway.

 

But when it's somebody I'm getting to know, I find it really hard if there's no natural conversation. I can't help but compare myself to how other people interact with them, especially if they seem to get on well. The thought train tends to be:

 

"Oh goodness, I can't think of anything to say. They'll think I'm boring. I can't just make small talk because that's not what they'd do when talking to X, they'd be having funny banter or intellectual discussion at this point. They'll still think I'm boring if I just talk about the weather! Maybe I'd better find an excuse to leave. Or pretend to text somebody. Yeah, I'll do that. At least that way I look like I can talk to some people".

 

It's silly, I know. And I know that sometimes you just can't make natural conversation with some people. But I just get so tense in these situations, and I never know what to do, or where to put myself mentally.

Advice needed!

[jonathan123 2368]

No Joe, not silly! . Just another aspect of anxiety. But the question you raise is interesting. What is silence? In conversation it is the stopping of useless verbal chatter. In modern society we have to be on the go all the time. Endless talk and endless movement, but to what end? 90% of conversations are dull and hardly worth listening to. Most people talk about subjects of which they have no knowledge. The use of words like 'psychotic' and 'paranoid' are good examples. The lay people who use these words have no idea of their meaning and often upset an anxiety sufferer by using them inappropriately.  Why should you feel embarrassed when you can't indulge in such conversations? Do you not find that when you are in the company of people who are intelligent, (now there's a word that needs to be understood!), you can find some common ground? 'They'll think I'm boring'. Fine; so what? You know you are not and I know you are not, (by your posts). A friend of mine was told that most of his workmates thought he was 'stuck up' simply because he did not indulge in the ordinary run of the mill conversations. He replied that it was of no consequence to him as he had little respect for them anyway. But, he said, if it comes from someone I respect, then I will look at what they say with care. Football, sex, soaps etc. boyfriends, girlfriends, weather etc. etc. all part of the run of the mill stuff. There are two ways to listen to someone talking with intelligence. The wise listen and evaluate the knowledge. The ignorant, because they can't understand, ridicule. Another point to remember is that a so called' superior' person who seems to talk endlessly and is the soul of the party is often covering, (compensating in psychological terms), for a deep sense of inferiority. The outward show is not the inner person. I gave up years ago concerning myself about what others think. If I am happy with what I have done and have hurt no one then that's it.     Jon.    .

[Joeetaku 122]

But even when you rule out the comparisons to other people, and even when I'm talking to somebody who is a genuine, interesting person, it's still embarrassing and stressful to be talking to them one-to-one and have nothing to say. I find myself trying to think what they must be thinking, feeling responsible somehow for the death of the conversation, and therefore thinking that they will blame me for it.

 

I should clarify that this probably is only in about 20% of the conversations I have. I can hold a conversation with most people, but these situations really, really stand out to me, and make me scared.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Joe. But what are you scared of? What they will think of you? That you will be thought of as inadequate? But you know you're not. This fear of what others think of us is difficult to define. It usually stems from lack of self worth. (inferiority complex). Were you ever put down by parents or at school? That can often crop up in adult life and cause problems. It seems there is a 'block' when it come to expressing yourself verbally when you have no problem doing so in writing. You probably have a lot to say in conversation, but up comes the 'block'; the thought that you may appear inadequate. Instead of wondering what they may think of you perhaps you could concentrate on what to say. Head off the 'block' as it were. Have you ever noticed how most people are not entirely listening to you but their thoughts are on what they are going to reply. They are waiting to 'top' what you have said. Mindfulness may help in this situation. To listen; really listen, to what they say then the response can often be spontaneous. Counselling is often called the  'listening therapy' and that is what it is all about. Listening without comment, and speaking only when necessary and to the point. No criticism or judgement.  (in your own mind). Worth a try?       Jon. 

[Joeetaku 122]

Yeah, I definitely have some form of inferiority complex, and having talked to somebody about it before I was able to reflect on my childhood and think of lots of things that could have led to it. Nothing particularly big or significant, but a lot of small things. As an exercise I once tried to write down as many incidents of rejection and acceptance/praise as I could remember from the earliest years of my childhood, and I struggled to think of that many of the latter compared to the former.

And yes, I can see that a mindful approach to this problem would be a ood one to take. I've been trying it, but I need to work on it more. In general I know I spend too much time in peoples' heads trying to work out what they might be thinking, and even when I do have things to say, this still influences what I say.

I know that I need to stop trying to be a mind-reader.... but it's just so hard!

[JOYCICLE 654]

Who cares what other people are talking about ? I mean, I know WE DO because that is what we are , but in the big picture, to compare to others giving small and meaningless talk is just dragging yourself down. If you are a deep thinker, and I think most of us are, then cut out small talk. Make any talk meaningful. The person you're talking with would rather have meaningful talk than small talk anyway.  I tend to be the opposite a bit and small talk for me is serious. I will tell the gal at the checkout at the store far more information than most but I don't care !  When she asks how my day is so far, I will tell her " OMG my sinuses are killing me today'' .........instead of ' good tks''. It's maybe not a great habit, but I'm over it and I don't care.  

[Steve4AM 14]

   i find it easier to talk to one person, if others are there, they often run away and talk to someone else instead!  OCD has the terrible problem of making us too intense.  normal people dont understand why we actually care about things.

   one thing i know, a regular conversation has some times of silence, and also is not supposed to go on forever, so don't worry about a few gaps

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Steve.I often wonder why we care about what others think of us. Is it because we feel so lacking in confidence that we rely on others to give us reassurance that we are not inadequate? Self worth, self confidence, feeling worthy, feeling that we have something to offer are important feelings to humans. So why do we feel inadequate? Comparison? . We compare ourselves with others and come up lacking. We have to remember that psychologically, many so called 'superior' people are compensating for a feeling of inferiority by blustering and looking superior. The 'life and soul' of the party is often a poor little individual inside trying to express him/her self by outward show. Things are never as they seem. Have you tried a study of human nature? I mean just watch the way people behave. I remember reading the book "I'm OK, you're OK". It suggests that by listening to people we gain an insight into our own shortcomings and problems. After all, none of us are immune to an inflated ego!!  Having an over inflated ego is as bad as having a deflated one. We have to strike a medium. Strangely, or perhaps not, but a feeling of inferiority can be comforting. We don't have to do anything because we are too weak/inadequate/tired to try.    Jon.

[tinluv32 2]

Girl! Hallelujah!! Im in the same position as you are. I dont find anything to say but seeing other people laughing and giggling with them ill be Questioning myself how i can come uo with good things to say rather than just beinh silence and i need that improvement as well. Or to me i dont drive and my cousin drive me to do my errands. So just the 2 of us idk what to say during the whole ride if it was 3hrs ride were not saying anything for he whole 3hrs. Just say simple things like...she say hey i like the soup you did last night and i be like oh yeah i was just practicing and then loooooong silence comes in... And i hate that..let me know if you improve im dying to know and improve myself as well

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi tinluv. I have just seen your post. I wonder why we fear silence? It is so difficult these days to be quiet. It is go go the whole time. We talk endlessly about nothing. Chat shows, Twitter, Facebook all contribute to this endless chatter. Are any of us better off because of it? If the answer is yes, we communicate, then why has anxiety reached (it is a medical fact), epidemic proportions. It is because of the ceaseless stress we impose upon ourselves by the idea that we must communicate at all costs. You sat for three hours in silence. GOOD! Regard that as a blessing. Not many could do that. But you were thinking, weren't you? Racing thoughts about what to say. If I may say so you are trying too hard. Be yourself. If you have something meaningful to say then say it otherwise keep quiet. There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person. Not introspective but quiet, If others find that embarrassing then they have a problem not you. You say you hate the silence. Why? To hate something is to fear it. Why do you fear silence?     Jon.

[snapshot 5]

I think you will find the even people without social anxiety have a difficult time dealing w/ awkward gaps in conversation. You might come up with a list of things to ask your date that you have lengthy answers to so if she comes back w/ a short answer you can take over and impress her w/ you skill or knowledge of the topic/hobby/activity, etc. This lets her get to know you & may bridge to something she can open up about.