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sworm09

Diagnosed with OCD......and no one believes me....not even me

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I was diagnosed with OCD by my psychiatrist the other day. This comes after seeing her about three times and her narrowing down my anxiety specifically to OCD. This came as a bit of a surprise for me...because well..there are so many stereotypes surrounding OCD. I'm not really concerned with neatness or cleanliness at all....my room, surroundings, and desk are generally a mess. So my first challenge has been confronting OCD stereotypes aka me not having many outward compulsions. Thankfully my psychatirst pointed out that the essense of my symptoms are persistent, unwavering endless doubt coupled with attempts to rid myself of that doubt by engaging in mental rituals (seeking reassurance, trying to "think" myself out of the thoughts, reading things obsessively online, ruminating, overanalyzing situations and my own thoughts, and a fear of the unknown (due to doubt) with a tendency to avoid situations that don't have certain results).

 

So to hear this explained to me, I can see it. It make sense, she's a professional..........but at the same time, my persistent doubt is still here, chilling in the background, slapping me over the head telling me that she's wrong, she doesn't know what she's doing, and that she misdiagnosed me. I know this doesn't make sense, but I keep thinking it. I've tried to stop myself from thinking it by researching OCD online....over and over again. I KNOW that my very participating in this action is a sign that she's right, I KNOW that my thoughts are irrational, and I KNOW that I have no reason to think the way that I am......but I still am...I can't stop thinking this way and I can't stop doubting. My obsession is certainty, and until I reach that...I doubt and I get stressed out. I try to "figure it out" and waste all of my energy, but I always keep going.

 

It doesn't help that my family and friends seem skeptical at best thanks to me not being neat in any external way. This is completely ignoring my cautious, deliberate nature, my observed inability to handle uncertainty, make choices, or be confident about anything in any way at all. No, that stuff doesn't matter to them. Why? Because I'm not washing my hands over and over again, or getting stressed out about germs or anything like that. Yeah, because of that they believe that I "obviously" can't have OCD. Oh, and remember that doubting thing? They're not helping, because they're only fueling my irrational doubt.....but I can't ignore them because I need reassurance to get rid of the doubt...and it goes on in this loop forever and ever.

 

My mother is probably the only person who believes me...because she has seen the OCD in action. She has watched me stand in a store for 30+ minutues deciding which notebook to buy! She has been the one who I'd talk to when the random uncertainty would hit, or a random fear would pop into my head, and I just needed someone to talk to and help me feel that everything would be fine. She's the one who I'd go with marked irritability whenever I experienced a surprising change in schedule. She has watched me beat myself up over the most simple of tasks, because I want to be certain that I'm doing it right......SOMEHOW the rest of my family has managed to completely ignore all of this.

 

So yeah, my mind is pretty much a whirlpool right now. As a matter of fact, I'm probably just trying to ease my own doubt right now by posting this even though I have a diagnosis from a professional and have no earthly reason to believe that she's wrong.......I'm still doubting. How crazy is that?

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totally comprehend what your going through, i was diagnosed with OCD in my teens, i had all the rituals at that time, washing my hands a million times, checking the stove to make sure it was turned off etc etc. 

 

fast foward many years later, i don't do any of those rituals as much anymore, but now i have the obesssive thoughts, that you have described, i start doubting myself, i start obsessing irrational things. the only way i can control this, is by taking my medication on a regular basis. 

 

accept your doctor's diagnosis, and move forward from there. 

 

good luck. 

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Hi sworm. It's not crazy. OCD can take as many forms as there are people. You don't necessarily have to wash your hands all day to have OCD. Anyway, supposing you did wash your hands all day, provided you didn't WORRY about it it wouldn't matter, would it? Whatever you do and how often you do it it is the worry about it; the fear that brings on the anxiety. The fear has to be taken out of it by accepting that, for the moment this is how things are, and not going round, as you put it so well, 'in a whirlpool'. That's it, a whirlpool. This phenomena turns in on itself; it whirls around going down and in. Can you see that is what you are doing? OK, so you have OCD but that is something many, many have had as witness the posts on this site, and many have recovered. It is really no big deal. Honest! Though you may think it is at the moment. Indecision, loss of confidence all go with anxiety. I used to sit for ages making my mind up to do something and by then it was probably too late anyway! Give it time; accept how you feel without constantly questioning and flogging yourself with fear.        Jon.

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totally comprehend what your going through, i was diagnosed with OCD in my teens, i had all the rituals at that time, washing my hands a million times, checking the stove to make sure it was turned off etc etc. 

 

fast foward many years later, i don't do any of those rituals as much anymore, but now i have the obesssive thoughts, that you have described, i start doubting myself, i start obsessing irrational things. the only way i can control this, is by taking my medication on a regular basis. 

 

accept your doctor's diagnosis, and move forward from there. 

 

good luck. 

 

Thank you! Yes, I'm having the obsessive thoughts as well as a few rituals. My doctor actually mentioned that OCD symtpoms will be reduced while I'm on meds, but unfortuately OCD symptoms tend to pop back up after getting off of them. So I'm looking at perhaps talking medication for the rest of my days to keep my OCD under control. I guess the issue isnt getting rid of OCD, but keeping it within reasonable control.

 

 

 

Hi sworm. It's not crazy. OCD can take as many forms as there are people. You don't necessarily have to wash your hands all day to have OCD. Anyway, supposing you did wash your hands all day, provided you didn't WORRY about it it wouldn't matter, would it? Whatever you do and how often you do it it is the worry about it; the fear that brings on the anxiety. The fear has to be taken out of it by accepting that, for the moment this is how things are, and not going round, as you put it so well, 'in a whirlpool'. That's it, a whirlpool. This phenomena turns in on itself; it whirls around going down and in. Can you see that is what you are doing? OK, so you have OCD but that is something many, many have had as witness the posts on this site, and many have recovered. It is really no big deal. Honest! Though you may think it is at the moment. Indecision, loss of confidence all go with anxiety. I used to sit for ages making my mind up to do something and by then it was probably too late anyway! Give it time; accept how you feel without constantly questioning and flogging yourself with fear.        Jon.

 

This was really insightful! Yes, I think it's a big deal now....probably because I'm only 19, surrounded by supposidly "normal" people at my university. There's a certain stigma that comes with having a mental illness, and people are quick to tag you as having "something wrong with you" or to make light of your situation. But I'll give myself time to grow to accept it, and live with it, and hopefully even to grow past it. Than you for your insightful words Jon!

 

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yes its possible you may have to take meds to control it but there is nothing wrong with that, i think people need to be made more aware of mental illness, and i know here in Canada especially where i work, they are working at overcoming that stigma. 

 

feel free to post again anytime :) 

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Believe me, sworm, everyone out there has a hang up of some sort. That's what it means to be human. They do not dwell on it or allow it to affect their lives as we do. Stigma. Yes, 99.9% of those who talk about mental illness have no idea what they are talking about and you need to take it from whence it comes. Ignorance, and usually with no desire to learn. When I was in the throes of GAD I felt weak and inadequate. It is worse for a man because we are supposed to be strong. (That is the biggest fallacy ever imposed on us). I came upon this "He's a bit, er, you know", accompanied by a look of doom. Well, at the time I was as ignorant as them and I believed it. Looking back, and hindsight is sometimes helpful, I realise how wrong I was as were my so called 'friends', who rapidly dropped away to be replaced by real friends who understood. That is why I say that however dark it may seem at  the moment there is always hope.         Jon.

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   You are probably OCD, I can tell because we tend to write very detailed emails and posts like this!  You actually appear to be doubting the OCD in a very OCD way, if that makes any sense.  Clutter and hoarding can be OCD related, my room is badly arranged even though I avoid germs and filth.   People may not believe OCD is real because they don't understand it, but it definitely is.  At least the world is slowly getting more informed.   Welcome and good luck! 

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