Ride With Me

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Hello All-

 

First off, I have to say I probably should have joined an online forum like this years ago, but I have not been able to convince myself to.  Looking back, I have had anxiety issues of some type for a long time.  In college I would continuously feel as though I had a lump in my throat.  I was convinced that I had throat c****r for a while.  Obviously the Dr.s ruled out that.  Then toward the end of college I would randomly get these spells where my heart would race, skin would go completely pail, and vision would distort significantly.  It did not happen often, and being embarrassed, I told nobody and just dealt with it.  Now I am 29 years old, and am very respected in my career as an engineer.  

 

Unfortunately my job requires a lot of travel, which I do not think causes some of my problems.  I travel about 40% of the year, living in hotels, airplanes, and restaurants. About 5 years ago, I was out to eat with my girlfriend (now my fiance) and it happened.  My hands and feet went numb, vision blurred, felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, couldn't breath, shaking like i was freezing, but sweating like crazy.  My girlfriend rapidly paid the bill and took me to the ER.  A bunch of test and doctor visits later, and I was told I have GAD.  I was prescribed Zoloft 25 mg / day, and Xanax as needed.  Starting the Zoloft sucked, but once my body got used to it things were better.  I would rarely have to take the Xanax.  But for some reason I am terrified of going out to eat.  All I can think about when I am in a restaurant is about that night when I had an anxiety attack.  

 

Three years ago my job moved me from IL to NJ.  My girlfriend more than willingly came with me.  This was a stressful point in life, working with new people, new area, new house etc.  But I was able to get through it.  I dont know why but about two years ago I stopped taking my Zoloft. "I feel fine"  "Im not crazy, I dont need this stuff, only crazy people take these pills"  (Im sure others have done this).  Well about a year and a half ago I was fortunate enough that the aforementioned girlfriend that helped me with my first episode (and every episode since) became my fiance. HAPPINESS!!!  

 

Unfortunately,  I have been having extreme anxiety for the past 6 months.  I have been back on my Zoloft fort 3 months now, and it helps, but I still get very intense sensations of Panic.   Issues I have been having:

 

Constant fear of having another attack

Having about to full on panic attacks each month

Have trouble falling asleep at night, lay awake thinking I am becoming a crazy person

Irritable during the day.

Lower amount of energy.

Get random flashes of sweatiness, and tingling, with distorted vision for no reason

Randomly get terrified that I have some sort of disease, such as c****r, and that I am dying

 

Here is the thing.  I am a very well educated and analytical person.   I have researched the symptoms and anxiety and panic a lot.  I have read forums on the issue, and solutions.  I know that when I am having an attack that there is no real reason, and that nothing is actually wrong, and I need to calm down.

 

 I CANT.  

 

I dont know how to describe these attacks to my fiance, but they are the worst sense of fear I have ever experienced, and the worst part is that its not like a real fear, that can be toughed out or overcome, because I dont know why it is happening, and I dont know how to stop it.  There is no logical reason for it to happen.  "Just calm down" or "take a deep breath" does nothing.  I have been through a lot of crazy stuff in my life.  Robbed at gun point in high school.  I was in the building next door when a gunman walked into a Northern Illinois University auditorium on valentines day, and started shooting people.  An officer ran into our classroom, and barricaded the door, as we watched people running out of the auditorium.  None of these things even come close to causing as much fear as when I have a panic attack.

 

I have been trying to be very proactive about this and try new things to help.  I workout for at least 30 minutes a day, I am eating a lot cleaner, I try to go to bed on a schedule, and i have recently started 10 minutes of meditation a day.  All of these things have helped with the general feelings of anxiety (not tom mention I feel really good), but I keep getting the full attacks more often than I think is acceptable and I do not know what to do about it.

 

The only person in my life that knows about my anxiety issues is my fiance, and honestly she is my rock.  I could not imagine life without her.  Even when I am feeling at my worst,  she somehow makes it better.  Just snuggling up on the couch with her puts me at ease.   That being said I dont know what to do.  I know she is there for me and will do anything to help, but I dont know if she understands how bad and uncontrollable it feels when I have a panic attack.  Its honestly not fair to her either.   I am tired of planning a fun date night, or activity, all just to have this stupid issue ruin everything, and have to come home early.  She is always very understanding when it happens, but I feel like I am letting her down. I cannot figure out what is triggering these issues.  I dont mind being in crowds, I dont mind public speaking, I dont mind tight places.  For some reason restaurants are always a problem.  And anytime when I get a suspicion that I am not in control of the situation.  I start getting anxious.  

 

Please help, I am open to advice. And will try almost anything.  I am getting married in September to who is hands down the best woman in the entire world, and I am terrified that I will have a panic attack and completely ruin the day for her.  

 

Sorry for the long rant, but honestly just typing this out and posting it publicly has given me a little relief.  

 

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Hi i completely get were ur coming from.i took my first panic attack in bed and since then im too nervous to sleep in my bed so because u took an attack while out for dinner u will associate that with ur anxietyi live in constant fear of another attack.i hve been checked out head to toe so i know im ok physically but that does not stop me thinking ive got c****r or other problems.u r so lucky to hve an understanding partner but no amount of describing a panic attack will make people understand the true terror of one.a lot of people on here hve tried various types of therapy so i hope u get some useful suggestions.im just on meds at present but waiting to c a therapist

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Hey Ride, thank you for sharing your story. I have had a lot of things happen to me in life too, and I totally understand anxiety, but like you the panic attacks and fear of them happening I found very hard to deal with, they are still horrible, lets face it panic attacks, the fight or flight we are supposed to be scared, just the reason they happen is not relevant, there is no tiger to run from, no bear to fight and I know even after all these years it is still hard for me to cope with panic attacks. when they happen you are filled with dread and fear with no answer as to why. Even if you know you suffer panic attacks, it can fool you into thinking this time it's different. I have never taken medication, I did however do a course of CBT last year, which helped to teach me how to live with my anxiety and panic, to learn to not fear them, but to carry on regardless. It's still a work in progress but it can be very helpful and teach you ways to change your thinking. As my overall anxiety levels lowered, the panic attacks lessened and that made things easier. 

 

I'm glad posting has helped, we always try and help each other in any way we can here, it is a valuable tool for myself personally, to have support from people who understand, and encouragement. Look into CBT if you haven't tried it, it can be valuable, and help you to look at everything differently.

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Hi Ride with Me ! :) Welcome. I'm glad you are here and I'm so glad your fiance is so kind and understanding. Let her know, often, how appreciative you are.  I hope it will help you to get to talk with others who know your pain . 

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Good job letting all that out.  I can relate to a couple of your issues myself.  I've always been very "medication resistant" and would go off my meds from time to time back when I was on them.  My resistance was more because of the side effects and my worry about all the chemicals swimming around in there, even if they were ones I needed.  You mentioned your close calls in dangerous situations and how that doesn't cause you panic.  I briefly had a job going out into some of the roughest neighborhoods and I never gave it the first thought, but I once ran screaming from a mall full of shoppers.  

 

You are very lucky to have such a supportive fiancee.  Maybe you should plan romantic picnics, when the weather warms up, if it ever does.  Or other dates that don't involve restaurants.  

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Thanks to all for the support and responses. I think having a group of people online that understand what it is like will be helpful.  

 

Busy-  I am so sorry you have these feelings;  however, it does feel calming to know I am not alone.  

 

Gilly- I have been reading a lot about CBT and how much it can help.  I cant quite convince myself to do it yet, but hope to work up to it someday.  For some unknown reason, the only thing other than restaurants that bothers me is, is Doctors offices of all sorts (no offense to any Dr.s out there)

 

Cass-  My fiancee do spend a lot of time outdoors together, we both mountain bike, hike, run, and participate in obstacle runs.  We always have fun.  I am also a huge motorcycle fanatic.  Honestly being on, around, or near motorcycles is the most calming thing in the world to me (hence the name "ride with me")  She really likes going on motorcycle rides together.   I know she would never force me into a situation I am not comfortable in, I just feel bad when friends of ours want to go out to eat.  I can tell she wants to go, but is to sweet to force me to, so typically I take a couple Xanax and force myself into the situation (which even with the medication, is still not comfortable) and pretend everything is okay, however the whole time my skin is crawling.  

 

 

A few questions for anyone who may have any experience with it:

 

For about 2 months I focused very hard on eating healthy.  Lots of whole foods, veggies, fruits, chicken, fish.  Very limited grains, starches, processed foods, soda etc.  However for the past three weeks I have been on travel for work, and it is unfortunately very difficult to eat that way for every meal breakfast and lunch are fine, but when trying to find a healthy dinner, that gets tricky.   I have noticed that my anxiety level for the past couple weeks is much higher than usual.  Obviously, being away from home, in an unfamiliar place can cause some of this, but is it possible for diet to effect anxiety?   I was starting to feel pretty good when I was eating healthier. 

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Hey Ride, oh I'm with you about the doctors office... I have had crohns disease since I was 12, the doctors office and hospital were my 2nd home for over 20 years, now I avoid it like the plague, I really do. Hate those places, triggers memories I prefer not to think about. BUT there comes a point where the anxiety is making life unbearable. I waited too long to get the help I needed, yes now I have and I'm doing better, but I do regret letting my dislike of doctors, well more fear than dislike tbh, but I do regret not going sooner.

 

I'm pretty sure your anxiety levels could be up from not eating as well as you are used to, maybe added sugars in food etc, that can sure mess you about. The gut is the 2nd brain, any changes in diet can improve or worsen your mood.

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Yes diet can affect anxiety. For those who eat nothing but junk, processed, chemical filled foods, I'm sure anxiety is higher. A ) because of all the non food and chemicals in those , that creates a chemical ( not sure if imbalance is the right term ) oddity that the body must deal with . Organs have to process junk differently which can lead to other chemical changes making it more difficult to battle anxiety because our body is doing over loads of other things and B ) when we don't eat healthy foods , our body is not getting the important nutrients, vitamins and minerals that the body needs to perform at its peak ! 

Since you say breakfast and lunch are ok on the road and only dinner is a problem, why not have whatever it is you had for breakfast and lunch again for dinner ? 

Also, be mindful that you're getting enough water. Most folks are dehydrated and don't even realize it. A dehydrated brain does not work at its best !

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