Hello All-
First off, I have to say I probably should have joined an online forum like this years ago, but I have not been able to convince myself to. Looking back, I have had anxiety issues of some type for a long time. In college I would continuously feel as though I had a lump in my throat. I was convinced that I had throat c****r for a while. Obviously the Dr.s ruled out that. Then toward the end of college I would randomly get these spells where my heart would race, skin would go completely pail, and vision would distort significantly. It did not happen often, and being embarrassed, I told nobody and just dealt with it. Now I am 29 years old, and am very respected in my career as an engineer.
Unfortunately my job requires a lot of travel, which I do not think causes some of my problems. I travel about 40% of the year, living in hotels, airplanes, and restaurants. About 5 years ago, I was out to eat with my girlfriend (now my fiance) and it happened. My hands and feet went numb, vision blurred, felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, couldn't breath, shaking like i was freezing, but sweating like crazy. My girlfriend rapidly paid the bill and took me to the ER. A bunch of test and doctor visits later, and I was told I have GAD. I was prescribed Zoloft 25 mg / day, and Xanax as needed. Starting the Zoloft sucked, but once my body got used to it things were better. I would rarely have to take the Xanax. But for some reason I am terrified of going out to eat. All I can think about when I am in a restaurant is about that night when I had an anxiety attack.
Three years ago my job moved me from IL to NJ. My girlfriend more than willingly came with me. This was a stressful point in life, working with new people, new area, new house etc. But I was able to get through it. I dont know why but about two years ago I stopped taking my Zoloft. "I feel fine" "Im not crazy, I dont need this stuff, only crazy people take these pills" (Im sure others have done this). Well about a year and a half ago I was fortunate enough that the aforementioned girlfriend that helped me with my first episode (and every episode since) became my fiance. HAPPINESS!!!
Unfortunately, I have been having extreme anxiety for the past 6 months. I have been back on my Zoloft fort 3 months now, and it helps, but I still get very intense sensations of Panic. Issues I have been having:
Constant fear of having another attack
Having about to full on panic attacks each month
Have trouble falling asleep at night, lay awake thinking I am becoming a crazy person
Irritable during the day.
Lower amount of energy.
Get random flashes of sweatiness, and tingling, with distorted vision for no reason
Randomly get terrified that I have some sort of disease, such as c****r, and that I am dying
Here is the thing. I am a very well educated and analytical person. I have researched the symptoms and anxiety and panic a lot. I have read forums on the issue, and solutions. I know that when I am having an attack that there is no real reason, and that nothing is actually wrong, and I need to calm down.
I CANT.
I dont know how to describe these attacks to my fiance, but they are the worst sense of fear I have ever experienced, and the worst part is that its not like a real fear, that can be toughed out or overcome, because I dont know why it is happening, and I dont know how to stop it. There is no logical reason for it to happen. "Just calm down" or "take a deep breath" does nothing. I have been through a lot of crazy stuff in my life. Robbed at gun point in high school. I was in the building next door when a gunman walked into a Northern Illinois University auditorium on valentines day, and started shooting people. An officer ran into our classroom, and barricaded the door, as we watched people running out of the auditorium. None of these things even come close to causing as much fear as when I have a panic attack.
I have been trying to be very proactive about this and try new things to help. I workout for at least 30 minutes a day, I am eating a lot cleaner, I try to go to bed on a schedule, and i have recently started 10 minutes of meditation a day. All of these things have helped with the general feelings of anxiety (not tom mention I feel really good), but I keep getting the full attacks more often than I think is acceptable and I do not know what to do about it.
The only person in my life that knows about my anxiety issues is my fiance, and honestly she is my rock. I could not imagine life without her. Even when I am feeling at my worst, she somehow makes it better. Just snuggling up on the couch with her puts me at ease. That being said I dont know what to do. I know she is there for me and will do anything to help, but I dont know if she understands how bad and uncontrollable it feels when I have a panic attack. Its honestly not fair to her either. I am tired of planning a fun date night, or activity, all just to have this stupid issue ruin everything, and have to come home early. She is always very understanding when it happens, but I feel like I am letting her down. I cannot figure out what is triggering these issues. I dont mind being in crowds, I dont mind public speaking, I dont mind tight places. For some reason restaurants are always a problem. And anytime when I get a suspicion that I am not in control of the situation. I start getting anxious.
Please help, I am open to advice. And will try almost anything. I am getting married in September to who is hands down the best woman in the entire world, and I am terrified that I will have a panic attack and completely ruin the day for her.
Sorry for the long rant, but honestly just typing this out and posting it publicly has given me a little relief.
