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Gogoatgo

Existing and not Living?

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Hi, I'm back!

 

It's right about the end of winter vacation, which really has helped with my anxiety. Sometimes it's still a bit hard, but I don't feel terrified so often anymore, and I haven't felt as much of a need to a) constantly google/check up on the things that have been making me anxious and b) checking up on this site.

However, I still do have a bit of a low feeling, and tonight I was reading a blog that made me think of something: currently, I still feel like I'm just "waiting" to feel happy again. I'm sort of "floating" above my anxiety, but I still feel like I'm not "enjoying" life as much as I could be. And in the blog I was reading, the blogger mentioned feeling the same way for the past FIVE years! having moments of happiness within depression/anxiety, but not feeling truly happy.

Anyway, I think the perfect way to describe how I, and I assume this blogger, are feeling right now is "existing and not living." When I do have these small bouts of happiness, everything seems right in the world, even the stuff that would normally send me into a breakdown seem more realistically insignificant. And I can find stuff enjoyable again. These bouts have been happening a bit more often, (mostly when I'm able to get out of the house and do things.) But overall I still feel like I'm in this continuous "down in the dumps" state that I've been in a few months now.

Anyway, I've read about people going through this kind of thing for years and coming out of it, but I'd like to hear from some of you guys too. Are any of you at a period where you actually feel like you're loving life? Maybe you have anxiety attacks from time to time, but over all you're happy with where you are and how far you come? Thank you for your time!

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Hey goat, good to hear you have been doing so well! I feel like I have been existing not living my entire life, always something preventing me. Then I met my husband, and that changed, then a little down the line, shit happened and it spiralled from there. After doing CBT I have started to look at life a little differently, and I see I have lived, but what I started doing was not allowing myself to enjoy things, truly enjoy and be happy, through fear of repercussions. Ying and yang, karma and all that. I don't even know if I believe in any of that stuff but the anxiety sure clung to it. So now, I try and enjoy little things, allow myself to and it's so hard! 

 

We over analyse how we feel and over think the why's too, try and go with the flow, just be

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If we are sitting around inside our ' comfort zone' , which most of us do all day , then how can we actually ' live' ?  

I think we spend so much time waiting for or anticipating another anxiety attack or trying to prevent one by eating just so and having our schedule just so and sleeping just so and avoiding all kinds of possible stimuli/ triggers, that we really have no time to ' live' . 

Does that make sense? The very things we say ' oh i cannot do that' are the things that would be fun and engaging and really seem like ' living'. Things like vacations, concerts, outings, parties..... those are the things I never do because I would be uncomfortable and anxious and feel nauseated, etc. So I think we have to push ourselves outside of our comfort zone to live.  I've been a closet hermit for the last few years. My daughter forced me out to take her to some concerts and I really , REALLY enjoyed myself even though they were not a band I cared about at all. The liveliness of the crowd and the excitement and noise and smells and all that stuff made for a really fun evening.  

So it's a fine line between protecting our own minds and getting out there into the world to do the fun stuff. 

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I have felt the same way for a long time now. Years in fact. Basically you are just here but that's it, you don't feel anything else.

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Thank you all for replying!

Gilly, I think I totally understand you about not enjoying things, or not allowing yourself to. But I also think, lately, I've learned to appreciate the small, enjoyable things? During my last bout of anxiety, before this one, I can remember gradually starting to enjoy myself again on an everyday basis, and so I did get a nice break between then and this fall when it started up again. I'm confident the same thing can happen again, if I allow myself to "go with the flow," like you said!
Joy, I also understand what you're saying about the comfort zone. I think I was lucky- when my anxiety started, the first thing my mom told me was to try to break out of that comfort zone. I think that's the most helpful advice I've ever gotten. I don't think I'm as afraid anymore of going out to events and stuff as I used to be!
And Always, that feeling's exactly what I tend to feel like at my worst. :( But sometimes, when I do start enjoying things, I actually feel that touch of normalcy again, which is always appreciated. (It's usually late at night when I'm watching my favorite videos, or when I've actually spent a good day out socializing!)

 

Anyway, happy to hear from you all! Maybe this will pass soon or maybe it won't, but I think I can at least live around it/deal with it in the mean time.

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Glad to know things are going good for you. I know how you feel, my thearapist and i have discussed this a few months ago about just existing and not living. To be honest ive been just existing and not living for a long time. ive been trying to avoid society because of my bullied past. Even though i have made some progress over the years it is still very hard to actualy live. But i know one day i will over come these fears. we just need to take baby steps, learn to let go of the past and move on even though it can be hard.

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i feel the same way, i was not always like this, i lived a normal life before and now i feel trapped like i have no escape.im trying to kick benzos right now and its so hard.i need help

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