My family...

[JustLuca 5]

I have complex PTSD from childhood trauma that is largely a result of my family situation. I'm just looking for a place to vent my feelings about this because it's never really been talked about with anyone other than my therapist. I kind of just need people to bounce things off of, and being anonymous helps.

My parents sent me away when I was a teenager. First they sent me to a psychiatric hospital where I spent months on a locked unit. I spent Christmas there and everything. I endured a lot of abuse from the staff and other patients, which I would rather not go into detail about, but my parents insisted that I was lying and that they did not want to take me home.

Eventually, my parents told me I was going to come home, which was a huge relief. They picked me up from the hospital and packed up all my stuff, and I found out almost immediately that they had completely lied to me and were actually taking me to another longterm treatment program. They tricked me.

This program was a "residential school," where I spent the next SIX YEARS with minimal contact from my family. I was abused in all possible manners by staff, teachers, and other students. Just some examples: I was told to sit in a chair for 12 hours and was not allowed to use the restroom, which resulted in me urinating on myself and being punished for it. I was also routinely called "ugly" and "worthless" by the staff and told that I had no personality and was never going to be smart enough to get into college or have a job. They literally said things to me along the lines of "You better get used to asking people if you can take their order" and other demeaning things that are offensive to anyone who works a minimum wage job. I was often physically harmed by other male students who basically used me as a punching bag and never got in trouble for it because they were staff favorites. Everything was dependent on how much the residential staff liked you, and I was always the bottom of the barrel, most likely because of my autism. I was an extremely weird kid and that made me vulnerable. My parents liked to blame everything bad that happened to me on my social awkwardness. They always said "People wouldn't bully you if you'd stop being weird." Like I could help it.

The school was very committed to telling my parents that anything I mentioned about abuse was a lie or a result of me being "unstable" and "psychotic." I was misdiagnosed with some really horrible things because they honestly just saw what they wanted to see and didn't listen to any of the information I was providing.

I wasn't able to get out of the situation until I turned 18 and could legally "sign myself out" of the school and that was exactly what I did, without hesitation. I ended up staying with my grandparents for a few years, who were wonderful, and did everything they could to get me back on my feet. When my grandparents passed away, all hell broke loose within my family. I was tossed back and forth between my parents and aunts and uncles who are so divided morally and politically that I'm surprised they haven't seriously harmed each other. I escaped the situation by moving in with my ex, who turned out to be an abuser as well. When that relationship ended I basically lost everything that was mine and had to restart my life, with my aunt and uncle, who aren't the worst but are also not great. I wouldn't go as far as to call them as abusive as my parents but I would definitely use the term "gaslighting" and say that they like to make everything look like my fault. They also have never had children and have no idea how to raise a young adult. They treat me like I'm 12. I'm almost 30.

I don't even know what I'm looking to get out of talking about this honestly, it just feels good to have it out of my head. I want to move past this and stop being plagued by nightmares and flashbacks and living in constant fear of trusting people and therefore repeating the cycle. I need to start fresh, hopefully far, far away from where I'm living right now and cutting ties with my toxic family. It also wouldn't hurt to be able to open up to people a little more in real life.

If anyone read this whole mess or has any response, I am extremely grateful,

Luca

[Trudy 27]

Omg your parents need to be locked up the way you were just because of you being on the spectrum. I can't imagine damn child services should have locked them up. I have my own share or drama growing up but nothing compared to your pain I was raised by maternal aunt who is more like my mom to this day because my mom was a crack addicted vagrant in the neighborhood which was so embarrassing because all my friends knew her from the neighborhood before she got addicted she was a pretty neighborhood mom like all the other moms. but she kept making babies. I'm the oldest at 44 when I was 13 my sister was born my aunt took us legally buy the other 3 that followed no body else n the family would step up to help so they were taken by the state. Because my sister has severe disability blind dwarfism and a bunch of other stuff rare genetic disorder and my aunt couldn't take all 5. Then there was the molestation by and older cousin who was my sitter. While my aunt was at work who to this day nobody knows about it as he is the Golden child. 

[JustLuca 5]

I'm so sorry that happened to you... there's never any reason for family members to treat each other like that.

The good thing is that we're both away from it now, but that doesn't make the pain and trauma any less. I've realized as an adult that it's okay to still be angry and hurt and confused about it, but I wish there was some way to make it go away.

[JustLuca 5]

I was doing alright today until my uncle brought up something really triggering.

Now I'm just thinking about how much I HATE my family. And hate is not a strong enough word. I'm not even the kind of person who would normally hate anyone or anything, but the years and years of abuse I've had to put up with have caused me to reach a breaking point.

I don't know what to do. I want to get away from them and cut ties once and for all. I want a restraining order or an order of protection against every last one of them.

All I can do right now is break down and cry. I hate them. I hate myself. I don't know what else to say.

[Trudy 27]

For you to have that kind of reaction I am quite curious wtf pushed you that far because hate is a very powerful word. Did he do something purposely to hurt you

[JustLuca 5]

I'm sorry if I offended anyone... he brought up the fact that my parents "got rid of me" (his words) because I have "so many problems" and he said that I make life very difficult for everyone and he and my aunt are miserable because of me. It really hurt. I don't hate my aunt and uncle though, but can't say the same for my parents.

[JustLuca 5]

Another thing I should mention about my family that will make everything make more sense is that they're from a country where gender stereotypes are still very much part of the culture, like they think guys should be super masculine and girls should be super feminine, and my parents thought the point of a marriage was to reproduce. I'm a guy and I'm very emotional, plus I'm an artist and a musician and I love animals. I also watch anime and listen to a lot of music that my family considers "girly." I have no intention of ever getting married or having children anyway. This has not helped the situation at all because my family sees me as "too soft" and thinks they need to make me act more masculine. I'm adopted from a different part of the world where these stereotypes are not as rampant and there's more of a variation in what guys look or act like. My family is very hard on me about my personality and interests because they think it makes me "less of a man." Ugh, I don't even know where to start with how wrong they are about a lot of stuff...

[Trudy 27]

YOU NEVER STOP BEING! YOU NEVER EVER CONFORM somewhere out there are the friends and family who are perfect for you and real family aint gotta b blood honey. never judging belittling shaming or mean.  if you love the skin you are in then you make it the best life for you. toxic people ughh I feel sorry for  people who are so close minded to the way of the world. Who never stop to think love is more important than the music you listen too or the colors you wear or the clothes you buy I am so pissed that you go through that and I don't even know you I am so hurt  

[JustLuca 5]

Your kind words mean a lot to me ❤️

Someday I'll find friends who mean more to me than my family ever could... I'm grateful for you and the other people on this site who have been so kind.

All of my relationships have been with men, most of my family doesn't know that except for about the ex that I lived with. Unfortunately they were aware of that. As you can imagine, they're very disapproving. I just want to be with people who will love me for who I am and maybe get to know a little bit of my real personality. I think I could be very lovable in the right friend group!

You're right, love is the most important thing. It doesn't matter what a person looks like or thinks like or what their race or sexuality or anything is. People are people, and all people deserve to be loved by someone and have friendship.