Zazz

I don't know how to cope

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I'm gonna fight my anxiety on this one that says I shouldn't post twice in a day but this is basically the very reason I'm posting again... because I am not handling this well.

So... Idek how to explain this and I'm just going to apologize if I ramble.

So... I guess my anxieties have become buddies and they're all just torturing me together right now and have been for awhile now.

And I'm just falling into this hole repeatedly and I don't know how to get out.

I am extremely lonely. I have my husband, my son, my family? I talk to my mother, father, and sister occasionally. I get a text from one friend maybe every few months (bless her heart).

I guess I ran off the last two friends that I actually saw on any regular basis. I was babysitting for them and I guess a year of seeing me five days a week is kinda a limit. I guess it would be for anyone cus I'm annoying as fuck. My mom has stopped answering my texts about 75% of the time. My husband never spends any time with me.

But here's where the problem is.

I can't believe that I have merit... that I'm worthy.

And this is what I see in my life...

I try to connect with people... but I'm obsessive and I guess I do things 300%... which is great when I'm doing something for someone... but not great when I'm... just being me?

The problem is... I am extremely sensitive... like ridiculously sensitive (and I am painfully aware of how ridiculous it is but... I just can't stop it?)... and I feel rejected very easily and it just always falls down to "I'm a worthless piece of shit and if I ever want anyone to love me or want to be around me... I can't be me"... and it's suffocating? I try so so damn hard but it really honestly takes so much energy for me to do it to try to fit myself into a box that others might like... and I resent them for it and I know that's dumb so I just end up hating myself instead.

I want to get out of this hole but it just feels like the proof is everywhere. I feel deserted... and that actually makes me want to isolate more... and like... I'm never going to learn to deal with people like this? I'm scared my therapist is going to hate me and basically abandon me and that's ridiculous! I'm afraid to post on the internet on my personal blog for fear that I'll annoy people... like they'll read my post and just go "wtf is wrong with you, you're pathetic and whiney" because I am... even my therapist has told me I'm a victim (not in the "you were victimized" way but in the "you're a big baby" kind of way).

I mean... it's all true, isn't it? I've been crying and panicking about this for like nine months now. Am I doing anything about it? No... not really... just trying to distract myself and then get a quiet moment and go right back to being a nut.

I just... I catastrophize a lot and I'm stuck in a fear lately that everyone's going to come to hate me and I'm going to be alone... and my brain totally doesn't stop there... it goes right to being on the streets with nothing... which is incredibly insane considering I know my parents and sister wouldn't let that happen... to the detriment of themselves.

And I guess that comes to the other part of the anxiety... which is the burden I place on others by being so damn screwed up in the head (I'd add physically but it feels like no one actually considers that to be an issue so whatever).

I wouldn't even care that I keep falling into this one but... I'm not functional like this. I haven't brushed my teeth in probably a month and my stomach is so mad I'm making up my calories with chocolate to soothe my metaphorically bruised heart.

I can't keep up on chores or anything I'm supposed to be doing to function like I should. I'm barely keeping up just enough so that we don't run out of dishes... like just barely skating by.

But I don't know what to do or how to combat it cus... it's anxiety and it's not logical and I have OCD so if someone tries to tell me it's just the anxiety talking (which I very much know... even when I'm having a full blown meltdown) or tries to reassure me... it just sends me deeper.

How do you fight something that uses your own tactics and turns them into anxiety fuel?

Jfc... I don't know what to do. I have no idea what to do.

I'm just sitting here terrified trying to hide that I'm scared cus I don't want anyone to know because they'll make it worse either by knowing (and thus guilt) or by trying to make me feel better (and thus shame). It's insane! And I can't handle it. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of crying.

I'm tired of trying to push back against it and make some progress towards functioning only to be set back and literally lose all my progresses because someone did exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time and my brain ran with it and used it to set fire to my pathetic excuse for self-respect.

ūüėü

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I'm not going reply line by line.*Hug*Remember you aren't alone!You are aware of what's going on and that is a great starting point!In my very unprofessional opinion I think personally I would change course.Whether it be meds or alternative therapy or doctor or whatever you know!?.Just want to say I can really relate and sometimes you just have to shake things up.You can and will feel better!:)

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6 hours ago, Lucid said:

I'm not going reply line by line.*Hug*Remember you aren't alone!You are aware of what's going on and that is a great starting point!In my very unprofessional opinion I think personally I would change course.Whether it be meds or alternative therapy or doctor or whatever you know!?.Just want to say I can really relate and sometimes you just have to shake things up.You can and will feel better!:)

You're totally right. I keep telling my therapist "I need some strategies to deal with this" but I'm not really getting any? She suggested that my husband and I start having date nights (which I would very much like) but we never do... *Shrugs*

I keep considering asking my doctor for more Klonopin but I haven't wanted to take any since I got in a car accident that day I took one (which is silly because they're not connected... I took it early in the morning and I got in the accident that evening... after it wore off... because I was distracted.... because I was anxious).

Thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it. I know that was a lot to read.

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 Hi Zazz.

You are going though a difficult and hard time. But you know that.

How do you fight something that uses your own tactics and turns them into anxiety fuel?

Exactly!! That's just what you are doing. There is an expression, 'when in a hole stop digging' and it's true. You are digging away like crazy. What I am going to say may sound just as crazy, but give up the struggle. STOP FIGHTING 'IT'. You can never win that battle. You have turned your mind into a battleground with opposing forces fighting each other. Fear of what might happen and the desire to get well. Giving up is not 'giving in', no way!! But flighting  and struggling with 'IT' must stop. There is a book available on Amazon that became my Bible. Many on here will remember it and have it. It's 'Essential help for your Nerves', by. Dr. Claire Weekes, who is sadly no longer with us.

 I have written articles on this and if you look under 'Articles' on the site they may still be there. She talks of 'Facing' our problem head on. No running away in distractions. The main part of her teaching is ACCEPTANCE. Now this is far from easy. When you are being battered and got at by 'IT', accepting what is happening may sound strange. But by accepting and not fighting you calms down the constant flow of adrenaline (the fear hormone).

It may come as surprise to you, but your body is behaving perfectly normally IN THE CIRCUMSTANCES. You create fear  and your body goes into the 'fight/flight mode as it did with our ancient ancestors. They had something to fear. YOU are not being chased by a big hairy Mammoth!!! We have only ourselves to fear. Fear breeds fear. You have said it all in the quote. You stop it by allowing it to come. Crazy? No!!! Give 'IT' permission to come with all it's apparent horrors. Talk to 'IT'. Ask what it want's of you, what lesson it's trying to teach you about your life. It always is but we have to see it. It's not a monster trying to get you, but a demon of your own making by adding fear to fear. Demons thrive on  fear.

As for self worth, well, that always takes a knock in anxiety. But why do you feel that way?  Never be afraid to post on here or feel you are annoying people. YOU ARE NOT! We all often feel that way. As a human being among millions of other humans you are unique. There is no one like you in the whole world. Your thoughts are your own and unique to you. Being sensitive is NOT ridiculous. You see what you are doing? Knocking yourself down, denigrating yourself in your own mind until you come to believe your own lies. And they are lies. Big ones.

You have friends and relatives around you, but they will respond better if you show some sign of making a real effort. Get the book and read carefully. Dr. Weekes was considered an authority on anxiety and panic.   Take care. Be kind to yourself.  Stop knocking yourself down, and, above all TRY and accept what's happening.   Blessings.        John.

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