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Zazz

Should I Worry? (Skin C)

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I'm having a panic attack that I'm crazy and I shouldn't even because it's probably nothing and I'm just crazy and like... Really I'm crazy so yeah it's probably just my crazy brain thinking it's something because no one would even consider it right? That's just insane. Can't ever ever ever consider it's cancer.

I fucking hate myself. I'm crying about this and I hate myself.

And the stupid thing is I want it to be. I want it to be just so I'm not being crazy for thinking it is.

I have lost it. I am a terrible human.

Thanks for trying to help everyone. Sorry I'm just a loser.

I know it's simple. I know it's easy. I don't know why I'm such a shit. Maybe I still want to die? I mean... I did... through the last bad OCD bullshit. And that wasn't that long ago.

That's why it's crazy. That's exactly why it's not going to be cancer. Which is exactly why I shouldn't go in? Because if it's not cancer, it's absolutely nothing and I'm crazy.

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I got up the courage to mention it to my therapist. She asked me if it was a cigarette burn. I DON'T EVEN SMOKE CIGARETTES!

This is exactly why I hadn't told anyone IRL. They're more willing to think I did it to myself! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY OCD IS AFRAID OF!

[I am not mad at anyone just really... freaking out.]

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10 minutes ago, Zazz said:

I got up the courage to mention it to my therapist. She asked me if it was a cigarette burn. I DON'T EVEN SMOKE CIGARETTES!

This is exactly why I hadn't told anyone IRL. They're more willing to think I did it to myself! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY OCD IS AFRAID OF!

In order for you to get peace of mind go see your dermatologist.  I have dark lines on my toenails I of course diagnosed myself with skin cancer.  When I saw my podiatrist  it’s nothing.    You need to see your derm and settle your mind.  

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I'm sure my PCP can handle taking a biopsy. If he doesn't... I guess that is what it is. My insurance doesn't like to send me to the dermatolgist. I would literally have to wait longer for my PCP to send through a referral when he could just do a biopsy in office and tell me what it is before I'll even get in to see the dermatolgist. I see him tomorrow.

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20 minutes ago, Zazz said:

I got up the courage to mention it to my therapist. She asked me if it was a cigarette burn. I DON'T EVEN SMOKE CIGARETTES!

This is exactly why I hadn't told anyone IRL. They're more willing to think I did it to myself! THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT MY OCD IS AFRAID OF!

[I am not mad at anyone just really... freaking out.]

A therapist isn't a MD and likely wouldn't know what it is. A cigarette having some ash flickered can cause some burn or even oil frying something in a pain. She could of thought it was a heat blister. Which is why she asked. She likely was not meaning you were purposely doing these things to yourself. 

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2 minutes ago, Zazz said:

I'm sure my PCP can handle taking a biopsy. If he doesn't... I guess that is what it is. My insurance doesn't like to send me to the dermatolgist. I would literally have to wait longer for my PCP to send through a referral when he could just do a biopsy in office and tell me what it is before I'll even get in to see the dermatolgist. I see him tomorrow.

Wait and see what the doctor says. It's going to be OK!

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10 minutes ago, Total Eclipse said:

A therapist isn't a MD and likely wouldn't know what it is. A cigarette having some ash flickered can cause some burn or even oil frying something in a pain. She could of thought it was a heat blister. Which is why she asked. She likely was not meaning you were purposely doing these things to yourself. 

You're right. I just sent her a photo. I don't think it looks like a cigarette burn at all (as I have done that but it's been a very very long time...).

I just worry that's what everyone's going to think. I found an article in my research of trauma simulated hobnail hemamgioma (and this is why you don't Google). It did not look like mine though. Hoping doctors can tell the difference? And aren't going to think I have Munchausens or something. I'll take hypochondria... maybe two weeks is jumping the gun? But I feel like with how it's grown it's logical.

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2 minutes ago, Zazz said:

You're right. I just sent her a photo. I don't think it looks like a cigarette burn at all (as I have done that but it's been a very very long time...).

I just worry that's what everyone's going to think. I had found an article of

It did not look like mine though. Hoping doctors can tell the difference? And aren't going to think I have Munchausens or something. I'll take hypochondria... maybe two weeks is jumping the gun? But I feel like with how it's grown it's logical.

I wouldn't mention cancer in your primary care visit and hyper focus on that. It could be a lot of other things other than cancer. Maybe to her it looked like an injury, and she was trying to calm you? Jumping it to thinking they think you have munchausen syndrome is a bit extreme. 

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2 minutes ago, Total Eclipse said:

I wouldn't mention cancer in your primary care visit and hyper focus on that. It could be a lot of other things other than cancer. Maybe to her it looked like an injury, and she was trying to calm you? Jumping it to thinking they think you have munchausen syndrome is a bit extreme. 

Yeah? Well... I guess that's the nature of my OCD. I did that with my Psoriasis too. Also why I never mentioned my photophobia.

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2 minutes ago, Zazz said:

Yeah? Well... I guess that's the nature of my OCD. I did that with my Psoriasis too. Also why I never mentioned my photophobia.

That's quite ok, just breathe and let the doctors talk. Don't assume they are going to think the worst of you. Because they are there to help. 

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Zazz... you're concerned about a lesion on your skin, it is a responsible, proactive, adult decision to have it looked at. 

 

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17 hours ago, Jennifer1 said:

Zazz... you're concerned about a lesion on your skin, it is a responsible, proactive, adult decision to have it looked at. 

 

Thank you for that. That was what kept rolling around in my head "any reasonable person would have this looked at".

I'm just practicing what I'm going to say. Maybe I can get out of there without feeling like I made a fool out of myself.

I go in about mid-day. Wish me luck I guess.

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Sorry about the wait. I haven't wanted to think about it (I mean... I've been thinking about it regardless - but I've been trying to distract myself).

I went in. I didn't say anything about cancer. I suggested maybe it was infected. Doctor suggested maybe it's just blood. I said that would be my luck since I'm prone to blood spots.

He didn't biopsy... and I'm ticked about that. He did scope it and said it's probably nothing but we need to make sure it's not something bad (at least he clearly thought the same thing!). He's sending me back to the dermatologist and said it's not really urgent (I hope he acts like it is though!). Now we play the waiting game and I have to call to see if it's gone through yet so I can book an appointment. $#@&

Now I'm mad. But like the quiet, brooding, sulking kind of mad. It's 6mm now. It has been growing faster... I swear... the longer it's there (that is probably my imagination)... and either it's bleeding like a fountain with no signs of stopping or... we know what the or is.

Gah... 😒

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A general doctor can only say so much. From what he’s seeing, he doesn’t think it’s cancer which is great. But he wants someone else to double check. I would not advice removing something like that yourself. That could cause more infection or injury. 

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43 minutes ago, Total Eclipse said:

A general doctor can only say so much. From what he’s seeing, he doesn’t think it’s cancer which is great. But he wants someone else to double check. I would not advice removing something like that yourself. That could cause more infection or injury. 

I'd just think with a lesion like this that's growing so quickly the usual thing is to just take a biopsy then and there.

He's told me he'd remove a problematic mole for me if I had one... and... nothing?

I don't want to sit with it! *throws self on the floor all dramatic like a toddler and kicks and screams* (<- I'm trying to be funny, but my sense of humor is terrible). It's getting sore (probably because it's just so big) and I'm having a hard time ignoring it. 😞

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I suppose the bright side is that I didn't walk out of there feeling like a complete moron... and I have therapy tomorrow so I can just... vent like a mad person. *Shrugs*

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I figured your dr would send you to the dermatologist, I just don't get why you didn't go there first. Less waiting is always better 

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13 minutes ago, Jennifer1 said:

I figured your dr would send you to the dermatologist, I just don't get why you didn't go there first. Less waiting is always better 

I have to have my PCP refer me for my insurance to cover it since I've already seen the derm in the last 12 months.

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4 minutes ago, Zazz said:

I have to have my PCP refer me for my insurance to cover it since I've already seen the derm in the last 12 months.

I'm sorry I didn't know. 😞 i just want you to have answers so you can rest your mind.

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5 minutes ago, Jennifer1 said:

I'm sorry I didn't know. 😞 i just want you to have answers so you can rest your mind.

It isn't your fault, so there's no need to apologize.

And I would like that as well. I'm exhausted.

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Thanks for kinda going through this with me. I probably shouldn't have roped you all into it too.

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1 hour ago, Zazz said:

Thanks for kinda going through this with me. I probably shouldn't have roped you all into it too.

Does it help you to be able to come here?  If yes.. please keep posting, support is a 2 way street. 

When worried I tend to clam up, it took me a long time to be able to post about my son. Even though I tend to pull inward, it helps me to read other's worries because it makes me realize I'm not alone. Kind of twisted but it's how my brain works. 

Please let us know when your dermatologist apt is. 🙂

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