Never felt so alone

[Emma245 28]

Hello, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been on here. Probably a year.

recently I’ve been feeling so alone. I always have - for as long as I can remember if I’m honest - but recently it’s been so bad. I have no friends so I don’t have anyone to talk to about anything. I have social anxiety (among many other things!) so find it difficult to build bonds with people. I’ve been low and tearful everyday recently. I keep it inside and then go sit in the bathroom and cry to myself just to let the tension out. I have a lovely partner but I don’t want to burden him. He has a stressful job and he doesn’t need my problems too. Don’t think bad of him. He does so much for me and I get that I can’t just tell him I feel awful everyday.

i recently changed roles at work and I’m on a new team. I thought I was fitting in ok but then most of them went out to lunch and they didn’t invite me. I’d been in the team about 2 months. Felt like sh*t.

also a friend of mines father died recently I thought we were good friends. But I found out through someone else and I didn’t even know when the funeral was but other people did. I know people grieve but I literally didn’t hear from her whole other people did and I tried to contact her via text just to say I was thinking of her.

these two things have made me doubt every relationship I have as none of them seem real anymore. I feel more alone than I  ever have. Like I’m back to that 8 year old girl crying alone in my bedroom.

i think I’m a good person. I try to be mindful and kind, I’m not brash or in your face and I’m quiet. I don’t know why I can’t make friends.

i just wish I had a best girl friend sometimes x

[Bobnnat 496]

Hi Emma,

Of course I don't know you or your particular history, experiences etc. I can only think of my own, and try to give suggestions. I am an introvert by nature. I am also, and always have been self-conscious about many things, likely from bullying as a child. As I went through early adulthood, it affected my relationships, both personal and work. When you're quiet, many people misinterpret that as being rude or uncaring. 

I'm older now and as they say, with age comes wisdom. I no longer give a flying f*ck what others think, other than my wife and kids. People aren't friendly towards me? That's their problem, not mine. Now, having said that, I am more outgoing than I was in the past. Yes, a lot of it is forced, but I think most of my co-workers would say I'm friendly. 

I wonder if, like I was, you are just giving off negative vibes? If you are able to take a F-it all attitude, it gives you the freedom to be more outgoing, since you don't worry that you're going to be rejected. I've learned that if my wife and children love me, and I'm able to "fake it" at work, then nothing else really matters. 

Finally, for some people, counseling helps. Never really has for me, but some swear by it, so if you haven't considered it, you may want to.  Good luck, and as far as I can see, you're in a good relationship, you have a job, which when you get down to it, is to make money, not to have a social life, and you can be happy. I hope you can achieve it, Emma.

Bob

[Emma245 28]

Hi bob, thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.

i too have been this way since I was a small child and I agree that sometimes being shy can come across as rude when in fact most anxious people I know are kind and caring. Also I think when you’re anxious and couple that with parents who were verbally abusive but yet oddly wouldn’t let us do anything (maybe controlling?) people tend to leave you out because you aren’t as interesting as someone else. Does that make sense?

its funny because on my old team I was well liked and told I was a positive person. If only they knew the real me! I too have a fake me that turns up at work, smiles, makes people laugh...and then goes home and feels bad about myself because I think I said something stupid or whatever. On my new team I’ve been interacting and making people genuinely laugh so I thought they liked me. Maybe I’m just not their sort of person after all.

The older I’m getting (now in my late 30s) I am getting more comfortable in my own skin and I don’t think it stems from that. I genuinely feel a bit more comfortable with myself but maybe I am giving off a vibe that says stay away? I don’t think I’m loud or in fact quiet enough to give off a bad / standoffish vibe, but maybe there something about me that shows I’m different in some way. I don’t know...

i think I also go into situations thinking I’m not going to enjoy myself which can’t help. I’m already thinking about how to get out of the work Christmas party for goodness sake because I’ve told myself that no one likes me!

ive seen many counsellors, the last one was about three years ago and she really did help. Been thinking about going back but it’s expensive isn’t it so just need to try and work out how to afford it again.

Thank you for your time,

Emma x

[MobileChucko 23]

Hi Emma...  There is no doubt that in many situations of life, we are our worst enemy.  A very dear friend of mine gave me some advise a few years ago.  Like you stated in your initial post, I was wondering why I hadn't heard from a friend of mine after doing my best to contact them.  My mind began to wonder all over the place, like something had happen to them, or I must have said something wrong or done something wrong.  My friend advised me that there was a reason why I didn't get a response, but it wasn't up to me to guess why, wasting my time, and getting upset.  The way she put it made sense to me, and I never forgot that lesson.  Now when things like that occur, I just say it's out of my hands, and even turn it over to God.  That's like what Bob said, just turn it over, and forget it.  The answers will appear in good time.  I'm glad that you have a close relationship with your boyfriend.  You might really consider talking to him about what you are going through.  If he really loves you, you might find that he can give you added support.  Perhaps the two of you can even do counseling together.  Often times couples that open-up to each other will find even a closer bond develop in their relationship.  The very best to you, Emma!...  Chuck🐈

[Emma245 28]

Hi Chuck. Thank you for your reply.

You’re right. The trouble with the anxious brain is that it always thinks about itself and it’s always something I’ve done wrong. My self esteem is so low that I always think i must be the one doing wrong or upsetting someone.

my boyfriend and I have been together 10 years this year and sometimes I feel he isn’t supportive but most of the time he is. He does his best. He doesn’t have any history of mental illness in his family and so finds it hard to understand how I feel. I know he loves me and cares for me though and he’d do everything for me. Last night I think he could see I was anxious and so he gave me a cuddle unprompted!

i think maybe I should go back to see my counsellor x