Close to giving up

[shea7692 4]

Hi all, 

I am new to this forum.

I have suffered from depression and anxiety since I was 13 or 14, and I have had agoraphobia since December 2011, and it has gotten increasingly worse.

I am now 21, and recently lost my boyfriend on 4 and a half years. He broke up with me, unable to deal with my illnesses anymore.

I have lost friends and only have about 3 left. 

My family bully me, threaten to kick me out, use scare tactics and verbally abuse me, which just adds to my stress and anxiety and makes me feel unwell.

 

I am unable to walk any further than the end of my street, and am unable to work.

I am a total loser; any ambition I did have has now gone because I just feel like life isn't worth all the hurt I've suffered, and more that will more than likely come my way...

People keep leaving me and in the last few weeks, I have felt more alone than ever and have lost interest in even getting out of bed.

I see a therapist, but the doctor is being difficult about my medication.

I WANT  afresh start, but nobody around here likes me because of a number of bullies in the area, and will shout abuse in the streets. (Yes, even at the age of 19/20/21/22!) 

Physical confrontation doesn't scare me because I am quite strong and fly into rage, but it is the words that cut me deeply. I've always been bullied and it hurts so much. I am terrified of leaving the house because I know they will say things!

The fear is so bad, I just...I can't. I don't know...

I would love to see some light at the end of the tunnel; it would be my career, but the sadness and loneliness are too strong right now, and people keep spinning me the same old lines: "You'll be fine." or "Things will get better." yada yada, but to be honest, it's been 9 years and it's gotten worse, not better. They just do NOT understand.

I don't want to give up, but I feel like it's my only option.

 

Sorry this was so long.

Thank you for taking the time to read this.

xx

[Gilly 1086]

Hi shea, please don't give up, never give up I don't want you to. I have agoraphobia, I couldn't walk across the street 3 years ago and now I can walk 2 miles alone. I don't have the problem you have to deal with though, the bullies. How pathetic they are, you most certainly are not. I don't know what to say, you are seeing a therapist and being treated. Just don't ever give up, there IS light at the end of the tunnel I promise you. And you have us, we can be supportive for you. You reached out. I hope we can help!

[Gilly 1086]

And welcome to AC

[shea7692 4]

Thank you Gilly. I just can't take much more. I WANT help and to get better, but it's so difficult and I have been left by everyone again so it's made it worse Yeah the bullies are pathetic; I don't know what their issue is? A lot of things apparently?   Hmm...

[Gilly 1086]

I understand, people leave me too. Ohh Sheldon lol sorry got distracted but he is winking at me...

 

I know it's hard, it's easy to feel lost and hopeless living with agoraphobia, you start to feel like you are living in a goldfish bowl and everything outside is staring and poking and getting mad at you. I'm almost 42 now and married , my husband has anxiety so he understands but at times he gets frustrated and mad with me, it's difficult. I don't have any friends in real life, just virtual ones but they are great and have helped me a great deal. You're young and I have no doubts you will beat this. I'm sorry your family aren't supportive and I truly hope we can offer you some support to help you on the road to recovery, because when you start to have some success, even though it is hard, it does get easier.

 

The only way from the bottom is UP, hang in there!

[shea7692 4]

Haha yeah, Sheldon (Jim) is my signature. I seriously am in love with him lol! He's gorgeous! 

 

Yeah, it does feel like that! I feel ridiculously alone, and I feel like everyone is judging me, talking about me and giving up/getting frustrated with me etc. 

Sooo many people have left and given up on me.

Aww bless him, you're so lucky.

My ex boyfriend (I was in love with him and we were planning to get engaged etc), he gave up and now hates me based on someone stirring things up So my illness has gotten worse!

 

Do you have any advice on how to get started?

I don't know where to begin? 

Thank you again

x

[dynasty 14]

Like the great Jimmy V said "Don't give up, Don't ever give up!" I understand exactly what your going through and can relate with the friend situation and unfortunately the only they will be able to understand is to see the world through your eyes. The way I see it is that if they can't stick around during these times then they are not worth keeping around. We're all little(ok maybe a lot) crazy here so nobody here will judge you. Also don't be a stranger come to chat with us sometime.

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi shea.Welcome.  So sorry you are going through the mill. We all know and care so you have come to the right place. First of all. Bullies! You have to take things from whence they come. Bullies come in all sizes and shapes and are just ignorant people with nothing better to do who seem to like causing pain to others. They are sick people, shea. Difficult I know but best ignored. The more attention you give them the better they like it. They can't harm you physically. If they try to do not hesitate to call for help. The police take this kind of thing seriously these days. It is those nearest to us that do not understand that are difficult to deal with. Now get it out of your mind that you are "a total loser". No such thing. No matter how long you have suffered you can recover. Because you look around and see others behaving 'normally' it does not follow that they are. Everyone has hang ups but ours are exaggerated to the extent that they interfere with our way of life. By the look of your profile you have so many interests and must be a great girl to be with so don't put yourself down. If your ex boy friend now hates you because of something someone said then I would suggest you are better off without him. Go to the Resourses part of this site and look up the article on Dr. Claire Weekes who specialised in Agoraphobia. You may find her books helpful. You are seeing a therapist and that is good but is it helping and what is the problem with medication? Can you get your GP to prescribe a course of CBT? Gilly has done a course and is better for it. I KNOW how difficult it is to stir out of the lethargy to do ANYTHING but the effort has to be made. You are young and have everything going for you but, for the moment, you are going through a very bad patch but you CAN and WILL recover. Rest assured. Many have been on this site like you and have improved so don't give up hope. And try not to despair. Difficult I know but that just drags you down. dynasty is right. If friends can't stick around just when you need them them then they are not worth the bother. You may not believe this but new friends do come along who do understand. You have made contact with us who are your friends because we do understand. From a distance maybe but to 'have a go' on this site is what it is all about so do not hesitate to come back if you feel the need. They say there is a big spring at the bottom of the hole that when you hit it you spring back up. I would suggest you have already hit it and are on your way up. Slowly and hesitantly but UP. You WILL recover, believe me but it takes time so try not to be impatient. And try to only mix with the right people. Those who are able to help. There are groups I am sure in your part of Sussex so try and find one. Make the effort it will pay off. I say again; don't put yourself down. Think of what you can give when you recover and with your interests I would say a lot. Very best wishes to you.   Jon.

[Gilly 1086]

About getting started shea, it's a case of slowly slowly, don't throw yourself into a huge attempt. Little walks, even if it is only halfway down the street, you start very small. keep doing it and doing it until you feel a little more confidence in going a bit further. I plug in my ipod and listen to music whilst I walk. I do recommend CBT, highly. Maybe you can ask your therapist about it? It gives you structure, and exercises to help you make progress. 

[shea7692 4]

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

The medication I am supposed to be on is Mirtazipine.

I tried CBT last year and weirdly, it didn't work for me I guess we all have different things that help?

I can only make it to the end of my road before I panic and feel sick so I then go home!

Honestly, I would love nothing more than to live a happy, successful life.

It's been total hell for me since I was 11; things have gotten increasingly worse, and I have self harmed and talked about and attempted s****de in the past. I won't go into detail, but a lot of events drove me to that...

My dad likes to call me every name under the sun when I feel ill and uncomfortable so have no desire to go out. He calls me a loser, waste of space, swears at me etc. threatens me with mental hospitals!!!! and threatens to kick me out :'( But I have nowhere to go and would be too scared to go anyway.

It's all too much for me to deal with, and I keep trying to find help.

Thank you all

xx

[jonathan123 2367]

shea, it is so difficult for us to help not knowing your domestic situation but your family is really out of order if they upset you in this way.  Can you talk to your GP and tell him/her the situation at home? They deal with many cases such as yours and may be able to advise. Have you any relatives, siblings or such that you could go to? It does seem to me that the environment you are in is not helpful but it is OK for me to talk and not easy for you to do something about it. You do need to talk to someone who can help. As I said, your first contact is your GP. Try and get to the surgery somehow. None of this is easy, shea, and my heart goes out to you. It will come right; it always does but that is not much help to you at the moment. Keep talking here. We can always listen and help as much as we are able.   Blesings.   Jon.

[jonathan123 2367]

shea. I have just looked up Sussex Social Care and they provide a lot of useful information which can be done in confidence. It may be that you can look up the site and give it a go. Do try.   Jon.

[Gilly 1086]

I agree with Jon shea, I would like to encourage you to look into what help you can get to find your own place, leopard had a tough situation at home with family making her anxiety worse. She got help with moving out and now has her own flat, and she went on to beat the agoraphobia. CBT may have helped you if you didn't have this negative attitude surrounding you, if you had understanding and encouragement it could have been totally different.

 

I know it will be very difficult, I wouldn't dare underestimate the situation you are in but calling you names and offering you no understanding or support will only make your anxiety much worse. It's like feeling like you are stuck in mud and suffocating and someone keeps pushing you down further with a spade. I have emetophobia, (I'm scared of vomiting) I know exactly what you mean by feeling sick and panicking so you turn back home, I used to be just the same. 

[JOYCICLE 654]

Hi Shea !  Don't give up. There's  alot of good stuff waiting for you beyond this little dark storm. You do NOT want to miss out on that ! 
Tell me what is at the end of your road. You said you can get to the end , but not past. Is it another road? A building? What about in the other direction ?  

[shea7692 4]

Honestly, I would LOVE to move out, but I don't have the money and council won't help me. Also because I am agoraphobic, I actually can't get anywhere in order to move.

All my relatives live too far away, too.

I am seeing my therapist today, thank God!

I just like to chill in my room quietly, and my Dad will come in every single damn day (sometimes more than once). And EVERY TIME, he says the same things, and it's so boring and stressful now; "This isn't normal." "Stop hiding away in here." "Sort it out." "You need help." "When are you calling a doctor?"

I get told I'm a waste of space if I don't go out when HE dictates I should, I get threatened to be kicked out for absolutely no reason, I get sworn at, told I nee "sectioning" when I don't! And stressed out even more...I'm told apparently I'm "trying to get attention and overshadow everyone else's problems"!!!??? That is absolute tosh! I stay out of their way because of their constant hassle! I have not ONCE asked for their attention.

I don't WANT their attention lol, I want to be left alone for good.

It annoys me that I get accused of all this stuff, even apparently that I "enjoy it" and I get called a sponger because DWP pay me some form of ESA (I'm in a support group).

I don't WANT to be there. I hate getting money off the government because of people like him. 

I do need help but judgemental people like him call me a 'sponger/scrounger'. I am nothing of the sort; I went to school, college, work before I got this, and I have ambitions but I physically cannot leave the house.

And yes, there's a main road and a chav estate at both ends of my road (I live in a crescent.) 

Some of the people up the chav estate near my road are nasty to me, but I can't get anywhere without passing it, otherwise I have to go up the other end to the main road.

 

I hate this. 

I want him to leave me alone to get better myself, but no matter what I do or say, he will not listen and back off.

 

Driving me mad but there is literally nothing to do but take the easy way out.

I have nothing to live for as it is. I'm basically alone, and all I have is my writing and photography that's keeping me going It's not enough anymore...

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi shea. Talk to your therapist about this situation. HOLD NOTHING BACK. Tell him/her about the way you are treated at home and ask if any help can be forthcoming. Please don't give up. Just when we think we have reached the end things often change and look brighter. This may sound just hollow talk to you at the moment but you have so much going for you in your life once this present very bad patch is past. Don't concern yourself about taking benefits. Many do and that is money well spent. Your father is doing what a lot of relatives do in this situation and that is to try and shock you into getting well. They have no understanding of how you feel and how that kind of approach is useless, but that is the only way they know.

Try and think of the three possible lines for help. Social services. Do they know your real situation? Your GP. Have they been made aware of what is going on at home? Your therapist. Can they suggest where you can get help? You have to keep talking on here and to whoever you think can help.  Joy is right; there is a lot of good stuff waiting for you so try and weather the storm however hard it may seem.  I feel that there is so much more help you need but from a distance we can only give you encouragement.  Keep posting.    Jon.

[Gilly 1086]

What Jon said^^ Please, don't give up shea, unload to your therapist, everything!

[shea7692 4]

Yeah, I just really wish he would STOP with the scare tactics, it isn't helping at all.

It actually makes me worse.

They guilt-trip me too; apparently it's because of me that they aren't going on vacation this summer!?

I'm not stopping them; to be honest I would love them to go! 

I'm 21 and have been left at home before for the last 2 times they went. Nothing happened, I was safe, and I don't do parties because I'm socially anxious and hate alcohol, so no worries there. That, and I have like no friends anyway!

But they aren't going because they 'don't trust me not to do anything to myself'!!!

I want them to go so I can have some peace and quiet...As selfish as that sounds, they have NO idea how awful they make me feel, and the constant daily nagging about how "abnormal" I am and apparently my "hiding away in my room".

We live in a bungalow; there aren't many other places to go in the house! :/ They have booked time off work for holiday and are spending it in the office or computer areas, mostly, so they're hypocrites!

I'm sick to death of them watching me like a hawk, not trusting me when I have never broken their trust anyway, and being treated like a child and verbally abused.

I've tried speaking to them, but they turn it round on me, nag some more and make an argument.

I just can't win.

Wish I didn't have this stupid agoraphobia, then I could move out!

They make me feel awful and my self esteem is basically non-existent as it is. On top of being ugly and useless, I'm a 'failure and a letdown and a sponger' too...Way to make me feel better, huh?

 

Thank you for your replies.

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi shea. It seems to me that the basic problem is the agoraphobia. Without that you could be looking to moving away from the situation that is causing you so much anguish. I asked why your GP was being difficult about medication. In the short term traquillisers (prescribed by your GP)  can help with agoraphobia and may give you a chance to get out and look for somewhere else to live because that is what you really need. You said the medication 'you are supposed to be on'. Are you not taking it? Any port in a storm, shea, and short term medication can help a lot. Have you seen your therapist yet? Can you discuss tranquilisers with your GP? As tempting as it may be don't despair. Let us know how you get on.     Jon.

[shea7692 4]

The medication I am supposed to be on is Mirtazipine, and it was working but then I ran out and couldn't find the prescription the doctor wrote. I should probably explain; my GP sent a CPN to visit me last year and I had a couple meetings with her and one time, she visited me with a doctor who made home visits, and they spoke to me, listened to me and put me on Mirtazipine. Initially it was 15mg and after a week, I went up to 30mg. I finished my course and needed to get a repeat prescription, but I couldn't find the written prescription anywhere.

My GP knew I had seen this CPN and doctor who put me on Mirtz., but the pharmacy wouldn't allow me to get anymore without this prescription, so then I had to call my GP and ask him. He knows full well I am agoraphobic and said "I can't help you if you can't come to the surgery." 

I don't know the number for this CPN or the other doctor, because my GP arranged it all, so now I'm screwed.

I asked him to contact the CPN again, but he hasn't, so I am without medication

To be fair, I am coping fine without it, but I can't get past this roadblock!

I can walk to the end of my street (It's quite a lengthy street, too! In fact, we live in a 'Crescent', and I can walk to both ends and round the corners a little way before I panic and have to come back)!

It's so annoying...In 2011 I was absolutely fine.

My illness has destroyed me, my relationship with my now-ex boyfriend who I was in love with, my family and my friendships. I am unable to work and am constantly made to feel bad about it!

I work from home just proofreading articles for a company and run my own photography business from home, but that gets nothing!

My whole life was in front of me, and all of a sudden, would you believe the stress of Christmas approaching is what made it happen!?

It's made me hate Christmas and everything about my entire life. I've lost everything and I'm not the same anymore.

I don't know why I'm hanging on either?

 

Thank you.

[JOYCICLE 654]

Shea, do you access this website from a computer or your phone?  tks 

[shea7692 4]

Through my laptop; I haven't tried to access it on my phone yet.

[AHHHH314 1]

I just want to wish you luck.