College: Stuck in a rut

[Hanna 0]

Hi guys, so I'm almost done my first year of college and to be honest it has not been that great of a year. I'm doing fine academically but really bad socially. I don't know why but my anxiety is horrible. I am always second guessing myself in social situations, thinking "what will they think if i say this" or "why aren't they talking to me, there must be something wrong with me". I've read up on social anxiety and being vulnerable enough that I know that I should not trust my thoughts and that they are irrational. But at the same time, I'm so used to being in my head all the time. I used to think that I was just introspective but now I hate being so anxious all the time. 

I think my social anxiety has led me to feel depressed. Mostly I feel hopeless about my future because I know how much my anxiety holds me back. I really want to make friends but even though I'm desperate, my anxiety still pulls me back. Whenever I try to initiate a conversation or join one, my mind goes black and i just become so insecure and dont know what the "right thing to say" is. I think I should probably be seeking professional help but the mental health services at my school is really bad and I can't afford to get a therapist somewhere else. 

I wanted to know if anyone has some strategies that have helped them when feeling socially anxious while talking to others. I've tried to deconstruct my thoughts and such but I still freeze up and I want to feel more relaxed and less anxious so that I can grow and feel less stuck.

 

Thank you!! 😊

[Mark G 1186]

Hello Hanna, welcome to AC.

I hear you, i've been there myself.  I've always been distant socially and at times felt awkward when in a social situations and it's ok to be like that, no one is judging i promise you.  Social anxiety stems from the fear of not being accepted (which in turn branches off into other fears ie fear of not being liked etc). Anxiety has it's roots in fear and it's the fear that feeds the anxiety.  Insecurity and second guessing 'block' your natural ability to just 'be' because when we relax and let whatever happen, happen, no fear is present and we can talk and socialise normally and freely.  The major issues comes from preoccupation and consistent self analysis and your then reaction to the self analysis, this fuels a cycle of "event, analysis, reaction to analysis, fear, introspection, attempt to socialise, event, analysis...." and so on. In all of that time, you spend 99% of it in your own mind.

9 minutes ago, Hanna said:

Mostly I feel hopeless about my future because I know how much my anxiety holds me back

Anxiety can only hold back someone who reacts to the thought of being held back, fearfully.  Anxiety needs that fear to thrive.

 

10 minutes ago, Hanna said:

I think I should probably be seeking professional help but the mental health services at my school is really bad and I can't afford to get a therapist somewhere else. 

Yes, this can be an issue but don't worry, your in good safe hands here.  We will help you through  it.

 

11 minutes ago, Hanna said:

I've tried to deconstruct my thoughts and such but I still freeze up and I want to feel more relaxed and less anxious so that I can grow and feel less stuck.

Yes and this is being done fearful of the result.  This is fighting anxiety and one thing we must not do is fight it (no matter how odd that sounds).  Anxiety will always win a pitched battle and will resist back whatever mental energy you put in.

13 minutes ago, Hanna said:

I wanted to know if anyone has some strategies that have helped them when feeling socially anxious while talking to others.

The first thing?  Deep breath and the drop of the shoulders.  I would suspect that usually when you find yourself in a social situation, you follow the same mental patterns of fear.  You preplan what your going to say then stumble and trip over your words etc.  The thing to practice is to not get involved with the introspective, fearful thought.  To let the thought go and instead engage with what is being said.  You fluff a word?  so what, everyone does that.  You fear that they are judging you?  Well that's their issue, that says more about them than you. If you feel awkward just repeat a mantra to yourself like "i'm just reacting to thoughts" and let go of said thought.  Thoughts are not sticky, they only cling to you if you hold on.  Open up the metaphorical palm and let it float away like a balloon. The more you start to practice this, the better it gets.  Accept that anxiety will try to catch you out and go with it.  Laugh at it, anxiety really hates it when you don't take it seriously, it drains it's energy.

[MsLLL 413]

1 hour ago, Mark G said:

Thoughts are not sticky, they only cling to you if you hold on.

100 % !!! Once we learn to let thoughts pass us by and not to be in reactive mode all the time, it's like a new existence. Thoughts don't make you----you. 

I like Mark's practical advice of engaging with the outside world. In my former anxious state I was just in my head 24/7 and didn't fully comprehend what was meant by engaging and even reaching out to the outer world. I thought it was impossible because anxiety was trying to trick me to find the answer in my mind. It's not there. 

Best Wishes. 

[Hanna 0]

3 hours ago, Mark G said:

Anxiety will always win a pitched battle and will resist back whatever mental energy you put in.

Hi Mark, 

Thank you so much for the advice. I always approached my anxiety as something that I need to attack so I go full force and use so much energy to keep anxious thoughts at bay. I read about social anxiety in a couple of books and they said that I need to just face my fears repeatedly until I don't have them, while at the same time letting go of my "safety" strategies. When I tried to do that, I always felt so drained and I thought that I might be depressed because of how drained I felt. I never thought about trying to let go of my thoughts rather than fighting them and that makes a lot of sense. Maybe I'm just engaging with my anxiety too much and taking it too seriously. 

I appreciate the support. Thank you again!

Hanna

[Hanna 0]

 I'm always in my head and I also feel so accustomed to being that way that the thought of being more engaged and less introspective is alluring but also scary because it feels really unfamiliar.

2 hours ago, MsLLL said:

Thoughts don't make you----you. 

Thank you for saying that because I dunno but maybe I let my anxious thoughts define who I am and enough is enough! On a positive note, I have an inkling that I'm at a turning point because I want to feel at ease more than I ever have in the past. I would love to know more about your journey from being in your head all the time to being more engaged, if you don't mind sharing (like how long it's taken you/if you had any setbacks..) 😊 

 

[Mark G 1186]

1 hour ago, Hanna said:

I read about social anxiety in a couple of books and they said that I need to just face my fears repeatedly until I don't have them, while at the same time letting go of my "safety" strategies

Yes, letting go and facing your fears certainly, providing you do it with the intention of viewing and not engaging.  Those fears are in fact illusionary, they only appear as thoughts and thoughts have no initial emotion attached to them.  The fear comes from reaction and not any external source so when you train your mind  to let go of the auto reaction, fear reduces.  Acceptance of the thoughts and acceptance that sometimes you will react is the pathway towards feeling much better.  It's ok to have setback and it's ok to feel bad sometimes, never beat yourself up.

 

1 hour ago, Hanna said:

When I tried to do that, I always felt so drained and I thought that I might be depressed because of how drained I felt

Yes, this is exactly what happens when you fight anxiety, it takes your energy to bulk itself up leaving you exhausted and it replenished.  Giving in the fight, dropping the weapons and embracing removes all the power 'it' has. It disarms it and allows you to  recover some strength.

 

1 hour ago, Hanna said:

Maybe I'm just engaging with my anxiety too much and taking it too seriously

Absolutely so.  Anxiety demands you respect and obey it, do the opposite.  I sometimes visualise anxiety as a character and when i feel it coming on, change the appearance of it to something comical and ridiculous, these techniques help.  Intention is a large part of recovery.

3 hours ago, MsLLL said:

Thoughts don't make you----you.

Pretty much everything in one statement.

[MsLLL 413]

22 hours ago, Hanna said:

Thank you for saying that because I dunno but maybe I let my anxious thoughts define who I am and enough is enough! On a positive note, I have an inkling that I'm at a turning point because I want to feel at ease more than I ever have in the past. I would love to know more about your journey from being in your head all the time to being more engaged, if you don't mind sharing (like how long it's taken you/if you had any setbacks..) 😊 

 

Wonderful you feel you are on a good path. Don't stress it and don't force it, would be my advice. I know, easier said than done when in the middle and all we want is escape it. There is no escape. I really believe personally it's about completely accepting what we have, with the stigma and all the terrible symptoms and all that jazz. I have developed anxiety and PA's about 3,5 years ago and I got better through counseling and short term medication. But the real breakthrough came when I fully accepted what I have and allowed for it, so to speak, I used to spent all my energy fighting it or denying it or looking for another explanation, as in a different disease. It made a huge difference after acceptance. I also had to "re-invent" myself, feel my emotions, learn when something is too much etc. There is no time-line, it's life and life is full of mystery and challenges. I didn't have anymore anxiety or panic attacks ( if that's what you mean by setbacks), when I stopped worrying about having those. It's a very individual condition and a very individual road to integration ( I don't like the word recovery because that's a myth). I personally call it integration. 

Best Wishes. 

[judith777jo 0]

On 3/30/2019 at 7:51 PM, Hanna said:

Hi guys, so I'm almost done my first year of college and to be honest it has not been that great of a year. I'm doing fine academically but really bad socially. I don't know why but my anxiety is horrible. I am always second guessing myself in social situations, thinking "what will they think if i say this" or "why aren't they talking to me, there must be something wrong with me". I've read up on social anxiety and being vulnerable enough that I know that I should not trust my thoughts and that they are irrational. But at the same time, I'm so used to being in my head all the time. I used to think that I was just introspective but now I hate being so anxious all the time. 

I think my social anxiety has led me to feel depressed. Mostly I feel hopeless about my future because I know how much my anxiety holds me back. I really want to make friends but even though I'm desperate, my anxiety still pulls me back. Whenever I try to initiate a conversation or join one, my mind goes black and i just become so insecure and dont know what the "right thing to say" is. I think I should probably be seeking professional help but the mental health services at my school is really bad and I can't afford to get a therapist somewhere else. 

I wanted to know if anyone has some strategies that have helped them when feeling socially anxious while talking to others. I've tried to deconstruct my thoughts and such but I still freeze up and I want to feel more relaxed and less anxious so that I can grow and feel less stuck.

 

Thank you!! 😊

Hello my dear friend
If you are not a socially inactive person, then my guide should help you find friends in college and be less nervous when you are in college
First of all, I recommend you to be like those who are with you. Everyone wants to be an individual, but when an individual is too unusual, then such an individual can be perceived as an oddity
Secondly, I advise you to help everyone even if you do not know how to do what you need to help. If a person needs help in writing papers - then tell him or her yes and order paper from the lab report writing service  www.paperial.com that offers help to people who cannot write papers
Thirdly, I want to say that you have to attend various events in order to be more socially active and friends found you themselves and not you were looking for them
In conclusion, I want to say that I hope that my guide will help you and you will be pleased that you have found a friend
Thank you very much for your attention