Life issues

[Worrywart528 0]

I have received some awesome advice since finding this board and hopefully can get some for this problem.   I have suffered from Health Anxiety and Panic attacks since I was in highschool.   I am generally pretty successful in life and have managed to climb  to the top of my career ladder.  I am 36 years old and when I have moments to reflect about my life I often get depressed.   I have always immersed myself in my work, hobbies, sports and working out.   My usual routine is  I wake up at 3am,  workout and run for 2 hours,  come into work,  and head to the golf course after work to practice and work on my game.    My issue is that I never made time for any of my friends.   I have had very close friends that I have just stopped contacting.  It is usually whenever there is any type of conflict I just go cold turkey and move on with my life.    I have always had groups of friends. In grade school I just stopped hanging out with them,  found another group of friends in Highschool and kept them through college.   I was in their weddings and was best man for two of them.   They moved about an hour away and I never made any effort to keep in touch.  I just realized it has been two years since I even spoke to them.   It always feels like I never allow anyone to get close to me and at some point I push them away when things get to intense.   I know the issue is with myself and I feel horrible about it.   My friends always took the time to invite me to their cookouts and bbq's and I never made time to go to them.     People I work with and play golf with have made efforts to hang out but when it comes down to it  I always back out at the last minute and make up an excuse.  The pattern is I keep doing this until I piss them off and they stop asking me.   The same thing goes with my relationship,  I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years and cannot seem to commit.   I never allow her to get close to me and see other people out holding hands and being somewhat intimate and I can never do that.  I was in a great relationship when I was in HS and college and felt completely comfortable with that person.  It is the last time I remember being able to hold someone's hand and display any affection.    That ended when I discovered she was cheating and was absolutely devastated.   Since then I have never "connected" with anyone I dated or to be honest even tried.   I do not know where to go or what to do but I keep pushing people away from me.    I am naturally and introvert and at times I feel comfortable with being alone but honesty it is not the way I wanted my life to work out.   As I approach 37 I have one friend I actually make time for but knowing my history at any moment I will piss off and walk away from.   I want to become a better person but these habits are so ingrained in me. 

[MARC 236]

Some people prefer to be alone, while others are at the other extreme and are social butterflies. I think if you make a concerted effort, you can change if the desire is their. However, everyone is different, so if you won't or can't change, that does not necessarily make you a bad person. I am 60 and have been a CPA for 38 years and have had my own small firm for almost 15 years. As I have aged, I now find it more difficult to make big decisions, but have no problem with small decisions. All of us are different and we all don't fit the standard mold. I have suffered from health anxiety off and on for a long time and for the most part it has not seriously impacted my daily life.