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About Worrywart528

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  1. I have received some awesome advice since finding this board and hopefully can get some for this problem. I have suffered from Health Anxiety and Panic attacks since I was in highschool. I am generally pretty successful in life and have managed to climb to the top of my career ladder. I am 36 years old and when I have moments to reflect about my life I often get depressed. I have always immersed myself in my work, hobbies, sports and working out. My usual routine is I wake up at 3am, workout and run for 2 hours, come into work, and head to the golf course after work to practice and work on my game. My issue is that I never made time for any of my friends. I have had very close friends that I have just stopped contacting. It is usually whenever there is any type of conflict I just go cold turkey and move on with my life. I have always had groups of friends. In grade school I just stopped hanging out with them, found another group of friends in Highschool and kept them through college. I was in their weddings and was best man for two of them. They moved about an hour away and I never made any effort to keep in touch. I just realized it has been two years since I even spoke to them. It always feels like I never allow anyone to get close to me and at some point I push them away when things get to intense. I know the issue is with myself and I feel horrible about it. My friends always took the time to invite me to their cookouts and bbq's and I never made time to go to them. People I work with and play golf with have made efforts to hang out but when it comes down to it I always back out at the last minute and make up an excuse. The pattern is I keep doing this until I piss them off and they stop asking me. The same thing goes with my relationship, I have been with my girlfriend for 6 years and cannot seem to commit. I never allow her to get close to me and see other people out holding hands and being somewhat intimate and I can never do that. I was in a great relationship when I was in HS and college and felt completely comfortable with that person. It is the last time I remember being able to hold someone's hand and display any affection. That ended when I discovered she was cheating and was absolutely devastated. Since then I have never "connected" with anyone I dated or to be honest even tried. I do not know where to go or what to do but I keep pushing people away from me. I am naturally and introvert and at times I feel comfortable with being alone but honesty it is not the way I wanted my life to work out. As I approach 37 I have one friend I actually make time for but knowing my history at any moment I will piss off and walk away from. I want to become a better person but these habits are so ingrained in me.
  2. Thank you Joycicle, No if they promote me I am required to give a speech. The two previous promotions only had a ceremony and both times I had a minor panic attack. I usually start feeling like I am out of breath... then feeling nauseous.... Then my heart starts pounding and I usually have an adrenalin dump after it. When I go to church, plays, weddings or movies I make sure I sit near the isle or in the back and I am fine.
  3. When I was in highschool I started having panic attacks. That was almost 20 years ago and I believe they started around the time I started taking ephedra. I can remember back to having a massive one during my highschool graduation. It was inside due to storms and very, very hot. Since then I have had them during every ceremony I have ever had to go to. The worst panic attack I ever had was during a wedding. I was stuck in the middle of the isle as the bride started walking down. My concern now is that for my job we have promotion ceremonies. My next level of promotion requires a speech and you are sitting on stage. I am absolutely terrified of this... I cannot imagine suffering a massive panic attack while on stage. Does anyone have any suggestions or tips to get through this. Most of my panic attacks come in situations where I feel trapped. I have gotten them in the barber chair, massage table, and the dentist chair.
  4. I have had several long bouts of having no HA at all. I had a pretty bad bout of HA around 2001-2002 because my muscles were twitching. I was petrified I had MS, ALS. After a year with no weakness I sort of forgot about it and it never came back. In 2015 I started with my HA about Melanoma..... So I made it about 13 years.
  5. Thank you all for the replies. I had a better weekend and managed to get out and back to my normal routine. Ihadcancer, I actually make it a habit to shower in the dark... When it is light in my bathroom I start to notice all my moles. In the spring, summer, and early fall I rarely notice them if I have some color to my skin because they sort of blend in but this time of year when I am pasty white they stick out. The funny thing is that I never had a skin check until I was 34 years old. I have always had these moles and they never bothered me. I went to my first dermatologist and she said oh my you are covered in moles. We want to think about taking a few of these off... they do not look good. Then I got the skin cancer talk and how I pretty much doomed myself by living outdoors my entire life. The funny thing is getting sun burn is rare for me. I have had a few... usually this time of year but once I get some sun I never burn. I actually went to a second dermatologist because I was not to fond of the first one and he looked at my moles and said you are good. See you in two years...I asked him about the number of moles I had and he said he said there is nothing unusual about your skin. Be careful in the sun and enjoy your life. Wish I would have seen this guy first.
  6. I may need to stay off the internet or news sites entirely. This morning I woke up and read a heartbreaking story of a young mother who had a mole removed and diagnosed as melanoma 2 years ago. While she was pregnant they found out it had spread all over her body and she passed away.
  7. Thank you ! I have always had this issue during the winter. My entire life Winters have been brutal because I always need to be doing something active. It was amazing when I was in the middle of the anxiety last year I would notice every mole on my body and each one gave me anxiety. When It calmed down I said wow... I really don't have that many and I was over reacting. What is the worst Is I will read someone's story on the internet. They may be the 1 in 50'000 who had the bad break of having this type of mole come back and haunt them and I convince myself that it is me. It is almost like I am going through the same emotional distress as if I was actually diagnosed and suffering.
  8. Last year had a very very bad bout of health anxiety. Tons of moles and developed a huge fear of melanoma. I had a mole removed from my leg which originally started my anxiety. It was diagnosed as a traumatized spitz Nevus. These moles are oddities and sometimes are hard to tell apart from melanoma under the micro scope. I had it out in February last year and the margins were clear. Spoke to the dermatopathologist because I was that worried about it and he told me to his trained eyes with 30 years of experience it was a traumatized spitz and not melanoma. He said the odds of this mole ever coming back to haunt you is very very slim Last Spring came around and i started getting back outside and playing so much golf and baseball in my spare time I killed my anxiety. I really did not think about this mole or my moles. I did not do the "what if" game ... Until these last two weeks... we had a massive blizzard and I come home from work and have nowhere to go. I've started reading internet stories about people who have had these diagnosed and several years later get a swollen lymph node and it turned out they had melanoma and now im starting to fear that will happen with me. I can feel the anxiety and gloom starting again ! Last year it almost felt like I had been issued a terminal diagnosis. I kept thinking what does it matter if I work out, or better myself... I am doomed at some point to have this come back and kill me. In the last two weeks I have started to feel like that again. I am constantly thinking about that mole and assuming that the doctor and dermatopathologist has it wrong and in a few years it will come back and kill me. Worrywart528 View Public Profile Send a private message to Worrywart528 Find all posts by Worrywart528