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Kind of lost and confused

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Hello all. This is a very sensitive subject for me to talk about but I must. So as you may know throughout my life I have had depression on and off that I never really took note too. But now that my anxiety has gotten worse so has my depression. Over the past summer I never really took note to any worse depression just bad anxiety but sense I was dropped off of my anti depressant citalopram hydrobromide about around a month ago maybe a little more I have noticed it has gotten worse. It's not a constant problem like my qnxiety hoenthat is at least once a day but it does come and go and causes anxiety in and of itself. It's weird because with my anxiety and derealization some days I literally feel like s shell of emotions walking numbky through my day but it causes depression. I will start thinking things like maybe I should just give up. All I do is lay around (which isn't true I have done more in the last few months than I usually do) but it still really hits me hard. Makes me feel down. Than I get thoughts like other people have given up and took their live what if I make the same decision. Then it gets bad. Sometimes I'll picture myself jumping off a cliff or something and that causes bad anxiety. Than the anxiety itself causes worse thoughts becasue I think I don't want to live like this. I kind of get a numb emotional feeling while this is all going on which is really scary when I think of it. Then I start thinking what if I actually do something irrational? And on top of those thoughts I get even worse ones like what ifi end up like one of those people on line who are posting and asking for help and then it happens anyways? What if this is all a waste? Lots of horrible thoughts. But I have so many things to live for. I have lots of hobbies and activists I lovemtomtake part in it its like when I try to find happiness in the hobbies or activities anxiety and depression work together to tear that apart for me. It sucks. I mean I know I'm probably being irrational in a lot of ways and if I never heard of the stories of all of the people on line who have taken their lives I probably wouldnt have ever started thinking lot of these awfull thoughts. It got bad about 2 weeks after I was dropped off my anti depressant and I saw one of the YouTube vloggers I used to follow took their lives. It hit me hard and hit so close to home I can't get it out of my head. It's like I keep subconsciously wanting to put myself in the situation or something because sometimes I don't know why I get these wavesmof depression. Anyways thank you so much for reading this in advanced and hope this doesn't hit to close to home with anyone because I know when I read something similar I got caught on the idea.

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