Everything I thought I knew. Advice & Encouragement Welcomed.

[Vivatiene 0]

I'm not sure if this is the exact spot to reach for help, but I've been experiencing a significant amount of anxiety over the issue.

 

I've never been officially diagnosed, but I have dealt with anxiety of different levels of the past few years, usually managing to handle it on my own.

 

I've been in a very healthy and loving relationship over for the last four months or so, sure that could be considered the 'honeymoon period'. 

 

But regardless, over the weekend my boyfriend revealed to me a few secrets that he had been keeping from me.

• He cross-dressed
• Feels like he may want to be a woman (undecided yet)

After the initial shock wore off we spent hours and hours talking about it, crying about it.. everything. I've been through such a wide range of emotions... sadness, heart-break, even anger- even though I know I shouldn't be.

 

I understand, accept and support any decisions he makes- though I'm not sure if I can continue a romantic relationship if he decides to transition.

And that's one of those things, where I can see myself with him for a very long time, and marriage in the equation as well.

 

 

He discussed with me what he preferred me to use, and male pronouns are preferred at this point in time.

 

But besides the life altering announcement the weekend with him was rather good, in a safe place. Until Monday. I was forced back out into the world of school and work- I'm both a full time student and working 30/32 hours a week.

 

By the end of my one and only 1 hour class I was trembling, having an incredibly hard time breathing and needed to escape. Unfortunately I had to go straight into work for roughly 6 hours. It was a long day- a good 7/8 hours of straight raised anxiety. Talking, hearing, breathing and general motor skills of using my hands was incredibly difficult.

 

Later after work I joined my boyfriend- who's being quite supportive and feeling guilty that, he feels he caused this.

 

I tried posting as a significant other on a forum site geared towards the situation, where I found few supportive things, but mainly that I need to suck it up and I should welcome any pending changes whole heartedly.

 

But here's the deal, I grew up in a fairly traditional/ religious household, I may not be religious myself anymore - I still want to please my parents. If my partner transitions and I remained with them that would most likely cut the ties between me and my family. A large, fairly close family whom I love dearly.

I never envisioned my life with a woman, though I understand, accept and support homosexual, transgender relationships... I've just never seen myself in one- not seriously at least.

Further more, I love my partner just the way he is. Both inside and out, and his physical appearance is important to me- trying so hard not to come across as shallow right now.

I had always pictured myself in a fairly traditional family setup... a husband a few kids, you know the good ol "american dream".

 

Anyways, with all of this happening I've been freaking right now.. trying to come up with coping mechanisms, being supportive to my partner as much as I can.

 

If anyone has been through anything like this or maybe has some kind words of encouragement I could really use it at this point in my life.

 

 

TLDR: Boyfriend came out with gender issues, I'm freaking right out. Help please.

[jonathan123 2367]

Hi Vivatiene and welcome to AC. Difficult for you, difficult for your partner. The range of emotions you went through are hardly surprising. Heartache and anger! Who wouldn't be angry; but don't say 'I shouldn't be'. It is a perfectly natural reaction given the circumstances. Anxiety is born of fear and the fear that your whole world has been turned upside down must be distressing. The decision you both need to make must be done with care and understanding from both of you. As you will be aware, gender change is possible, but the decision to do so is one that is very difficult to undertake as there is more to it than just cross dressing. Since it is you who have come on the site for help then I can only address any advice to you. Your boy friend will have to come to terms with his own problems. You can be supportive but only up to a point. Ask yourself, and with the greatest care, if you want to lead a life with this person. I am not for one moment suggesting you shouldn't. But the longer you both take to make up your minds the more difficult and complicated it will get. There is great conflict within you at the moment that needs to be resolved or your anxiety will continue. You are also struggling with your upbringing. You have been taught certain values, but nothing like what you are now going through could have been envisaged. You say you love him as he is then you say that you could not live with him if he has a transition. But that seems to be how he is. He may be undecided as to his gender, but you, for your own peace of mind, need to make a decision however hard it may be. Don't force yourself into a situation that involves you making a change in your sexuality. That could prove difficult and would not help your anxiety one bit. Talk it  through again but try to arrive at a solution. Don't let it drag on. My advice is based on many years of experience in counselling and what I have said I would say to anyone.         Jon.

[Vivatiene 0]

Hi Vivatiene and welcome to AC. Difficult for you, difficult for your partner. The range of emotions you went through are hardly surprising. Heartache and anger! Who wouldn't be angry; but don't say 'I shouldn't be'. It is a perfectly natural reaction given the circumstances. Anxiety is born of fear and the fear that your whole world has been turned upside down must be distressing. The decision you both need to make must be done with care and understanding from both of you. As you will be aware, gender change is possible, but the decision to do so is one that is very difficult to undertake as there is more to it than just cross dressing. Since it is you who have come on the site for help then I can only address any advice to you. Your boy friend will have to come to terms with his own problems. You can be supportive but only up to a point. Ask yourself, and with the greatest care, if you want to lead a life with this person. I am not for one moment suggesting you shouldn't. But the longer you both take to make up your minds the more difficult and complicated it will get. There is great conflict within you at the moment that needs to be resolved or your anxiety will continue. You are also struggling with your upbringing. You have been taught certain values, but nothing like what you are now going through could have been envisaged. You say you love him as he is then you say that you could not live with him if he has a transition. But that seems to be how he is. He may be undecided as to his gender, but you, for your own peace of mind, need to make a decision however hard it may be. Don't force yourself into a situation that involves you making a change in your sexuality. That could prove difficult and would not help your anxiety one bit. Talk it  through again but try to arrive at a solution. Don't let it drag on. My advice is based on many years of experience in counselling and what I have said I would say to anyone.         Jon.

 

 

Thank you, I appreciate your thoughts and advice. It is something we are definitely working through and figuring out. 

I know its best for me to reach a solution as soon as possible, but I also know things like this can be out of my control so I need to practice patience and be supportive until a decision is reached, and maybe grow a bit myself.

 

I do love him, and I can see a future with him. I'm just not sure if I could manage through all the advisory and anxiety if he decides to transition.

[jonathan123 2367]

Yes, be supportive and understanding. It can't be good for him to go through this and he will need support whatever happens. You are right. Take it all as a learning experience and if you give support then you will have no regrets whatever the outcome. Best wishes.     Jon.