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BrokenHope27

My life of sexual, phsyical, and mental abuse.

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 Okay this is hard. When I was 6yrs old my cousin (on my moms side of the family) Sexually abused me for about a year. He was about 18/19 yrs old at the time. When I was 8 years old another cousin (from my dads side) came to live with us for a couple of years. He also sexually abused me. He was 17/18 years old. My parents never knew this until I told them in my 20s. My mom was pretty much like a single mom. She worked really hard, cooked, cleaned, and tried her hardest to take care of me and brothers. My dad hardly worked, he was an alcoholic, and verbally abusive. He pretty much lived at the bar he always went to. I lived with this man and barely knew him. I hardly saw my mom cause of her working so hard to pay bills. Growing up I felt so forgotten or invisible. 

 When I was 13yrs old, I was ****d by a friends step dad. At this point I was so broken that when ever an older man wanted to have sex, I couldn't say no out of fear. It amazed me even at the age of 13 how many grown men liked a child. I got into drugs pretty bad for awhile after that. I was always drunk or high. I would come home wasted out of my mind. I hated school with a passion because of there being so many people.

 So I would always skip school. I think one year I went a total of 38 days out of a year. The amazing part tho, I still passed all my classes. I remember getting some report cards that all said Incomplete and F's. Some how I made it to high school. That's when I started to fail grades. By the time I was suppose to be a Junior in high school, my dad, I repeat MY DAD (the man I barely saw) was the one that found out I could not read.

 I could read little words ( if, the, and, it ). So my mom took me to be tested. Turns out I stopped learning in 3rd grade. My reading and comprehension was the level of a 2nd grader, and my math skills was of a 3rd grader. But in amazement I still made it to the 9th grade. I so wanted to give up after finding this out. My high school wanted to put me in special ed classes where the teacher just sat at her desk not teaching anything. I was there for a few weeks while my mom was busy going off on the school. One day I just told her I wanted to drop out and forget about it. She looked at me and said we are not gonna give up, we will find something for you. That's when she found out about ECOT ( electronic classroom of tomorrow ). An online school. So I started doing that.

 Around this time is when I met this boy named Mike and I started dating him. Because of him I got off the drugs and quit drinking. He looked at me like I was really something special, like I was so beautiful. I never had that. I fell for him fast and hard. What ever trust was left of me to give, I gave to him, he was the only one I ever told about what happened to me when I was little. Any who, I was in love, sober, and doing this new school thing where I didn't have to be around people that much, life was doing pretty good for the first time I could remember.

About a year later, I started to see changes in Mike. He was more jealous, aggressive, and controlling. I started to struggle with school again. One day Mike swore up and down he saw me kiss another boy. Which I seriously I did not do. I told him that and he hit me. He immediately said he was sorry and it would never happen again of course. And Of course I forgave him. But Anyways to make this shorter because this is really turning out to be a lot longer than I thought. I struggled with school for another 2 years but right when I was ready to give up again I found out I was ready to graduate. That was an amazing feeling. I cried my mom cried. It was wonderful. Now I still struggle with comprehension and reading to this day. But at least I graduated. 

 I stayed with Mike for 7years. He continued to hit along with many other things. He ****d me a quite a few times. With me screaming and crying no. He didn't care. On my 19th b-day I wanted to celebrate with my family ( I was living with him at this point ) I haven't seen them in while because he wouldn't let me. He told me no and he repeatedly beat me with the metal part of his belt. I had welts and bruises all over my body. Around this time is when he started doing this thing where I would be sleeping and wake up to him choking the hell out of me, to the point I was ready to blackout, then he would release let me come to and catch my breathe and he would do it again. This would happen a couple of times a month, I would have finger bruises all over my neck all the time. To this day I still wake up trying to catch my breathe when I am sleeping. He verbally abused me, ah man did he ever. He would say things like " your a dirty whore and you was born that way, that's why you fucked both you cousins" and " I know u liked it when u were little, u incest fucking white trash bitch" (sorry for the language but those are his exact words). Yeah I felt great after that (not really). I can't explain why I stayed so long and put up with that. So please don't ask. I left him when I was 22 years old, mostly because I felt either I was about to die or he was. I was at my breaking point to where I thought about killing him in his sleep and their was no way I was going to jail over him. So I left, and he made it hard. He would threaten, stalk, and try so hard to get me back.

I just wouldn't do it. The fight I gave to leave him was pretty much all the fight I had left in me. I broke down after that and I mean really broke down. I hate being near people I don't know, it freaks me out. I now have Agoraphobia, all kinds of anxiety but mostly social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and many other things. I live with my parents and I don't hardly ever leave the house.  Anyways I am sorry this turned out to be so long. I really didn't expect it at all. I was just gonna mention the childhood sexual abuse but it led to all this. I guess I had a lot to get out of me, and this isn't all of it. I left out a lot of other major things and details that happen to me. Once again I am sorry.

 

 

  

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Hey jessi, do NOT be sorry. If you want to write a million pages, it's cool! This is what we are here for, for you to be able to get things off your chest, no matter how much that is, or how little. If it is what you want to do, then do it, and never apologise.

 

I can't even begin to comprehend what you have had to endure, I suffered long term childhood trauma but of a different kind, but in the same way it is what caused my anxieties and agoraphobia. I can see your strength, how despite it all you never gave up. I just really hate you have had to go through all this, none of it is your fault, NONE. Like me, you are a warrior, keep fighting for yourself Jessi xxx

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Broken Hope, I think your hope is not broken at all. You want it out o f you and you want to live! Good for you . 

What a horrible childhood. I'm so , so profoundly sorry for all of the evil you had to encounter. it is not fair but it is

where you've been. It is not YOU , it's just your story. I'm really glad you 're working on getting your mind in a better place.

You deserve happiness and peace and comfort and relief. You will find it. :) 

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