BrokenHope27

Thanks Gilly. I have tried looking for work from home jobs and almost everything that I have ran into has wanted me to pay for something.

I've had social anxiety most of my life. In school I was never one to ask for help and make friends. I barely talked at all, except to a few friends that I grew up with. Ever since I got with my abusive ex, I had lost all those friends. I have had 2 different jobs in my life. The first job was Kmart, I only got that job because of my mom being the manager. The second job I had was at Walmart and that is because ex's mother was the manager. I didn't really follow directions well. I avoided the best I could to talk to people. I didn't work at those jobs very long. The past five years my social phobia has really turned me into an Agoraphobic. I live with my parents, and the only time I leave my house is if my mom was with me and it was only to go to the store or somewhere small with not a lot of people. It is so bad that its hard for me to even go and see a therapist. Hell I can't even afford to see a therapist. I have no money or insurance. That is really killing me. My mom lost her job last year because of her store closing. She is 62 years old, and she can't afford help for me either. I hate being completely dependent on her, I really do. I am really stressed and my anxiety is really high. I try not to ask much of my mom. She gives me a roof over my head and food in my belly. I don't ask her for clothes unless I absolutely have to. I own very little bit of clothes. My mom is having a real hard time right now, cause she can barely afford to pay bills. I really need to get a job but I just can't do it. The more I think about needing a job the more my anxiety goes up and I have a panic attack. I just don't know what to do. My social anxiety is so bad I can't even talk on a phone except to 3 people and they are all family that Im close with. If I order a pizza I have to do it online, and If I have it delivered someone else has to answer the door. My family doesn't get it at all, almost like its my choice to be this way. I am lonely as hell. I am so very very lonely and I hate being this way. I would love to have job rather then just being alone in my house all day. I have this cousin Samantha (Sam), she is like my little sister we grew up right next door together, ever since she was born. Lol she is completely opposite of what I am. I have always been the keep to myself type and she has always been loud as hell. Making friends is so easy for her, shes always just been funny, outgoing, and talkative (man is she talkative). As kids she always looked up to me, and I always begged her not to because I would of led her down a wrong path. Anyways I have always envied her and I still do. I just wish I could do what she does, but I can't and I will never be able to probably. I am always gonna live with this anxiety, always have and always will. I hate it. I have no idea what I am going to do if anything happens to my mom. Like I said, I am really dependent on her and I don't know how not to be.

Okay this is hard. When I was 6yrs old my cousin (on my moms side of the family) Sexually abused me for about a year. He was about 18/19 yrs old at the time. When I was 8 years old another cousin (from my dads side) came to live with us for a couple of years. He also sexually abused me. He was 17/18 years old. My parents never knew this until I told them in my 20s. My mom was pretty much like a single mom. She worked really hard, cooked, cleaned, and tried her hardest to take care of me and brothers. My dad hardly worked, he was an alcoholic, and verbally abusive. He pretty much lived at the bar he always went to. I lived with this man and barely knew him. I hardly saw my mom cause of her working so hard to pay bills. Growing up I felt so forgotten or invisible. When I was 13yrs old, I was ****d by a friends step dad. At this point I was so broken that when ever an older man wanted to have sex, I couldn't say no out of fear. It amazed me even at the age of 13 how many grown men liked a child. I got into drugs pretty bad for awhile after that. I was always drunk or high. I would come home wasted out of my mind. I hated school with a passion because of there being so many people. So I would always skip school. I think one year I went a total of 38 days out of a year. The amazing part tho, I still passed all my classes. I remember getting some report cards that all said Incomplete and F's. Some how I made it to high school. That's when I started to fail grades. By the time I was suppose to be a Junior in high school, my dad, I repeat MY DAD (the man I barely saw) was the one that found out I could not read. I could read little words ( if, the, and, it ). So my mom took me to be tested. Turns out I stopped learning in 3rd grade. My reading and comprehension was the level of a 2nd grader, and my math skills was of a 3rd grader. But in amazement I still made it to the 9th grade. I so wanted to give up after finding this out. My high school wanted to put me in special ed classes where the teacher just sat at her desk not teaching anything. I was there for a few weeks while my mom was busy going off on the school. One day I just told her I wanted to drop out and forget about it. She looked at me and said we are not gonna give up, we will find something for you. That's when she found out about ECOT ( electronic classroom of tomorrow ). An online school. So I started doing that. Around this time is when I met this boy named Mike and I started dating him. Because of him I got off the drugs and quit drinking. He looked at me like I was really something special, like I was so beautiful. I never had that. I fell for him fast and hard. What ever trust was left of me to give, I gave to him, he was the only one I ever told about what happened to me when I was little. Any who, I was in love, sober, and doing this new school thing where I didn't have to be around people that much, life was doing pretty good for the first time I could remember. About a year later, I started to see changes in Mike. He was more jealous, aggressive, and controlling. I started to struggle with school again. One day Mike swore up and down he saw me kiss another boy. Which I seriously I did not do. I told him that and he hit me. He immediately said he was sorry and it would never happen again of course. And Of course I forgave him. But Anyways to make this shorter because this is really turning out to be a lot longer than I thought. I struggled with school for another 2 years but right when I was ready to give up again I found out I was ready to graduate. That was an amazing feeling. I cried my mom cried. It was wonderful. Now I still struggle with comprehension and reading to this day. But at least I graduated. I stayed with Mike for 7years. He continued to hit along with many other things. He ****d me a quite a few times. With me screaming and crying no. He didn't care. On my 19th b-day I wanted to celebrate with my family ( I was living with him at this point ) I haven't seen them in while because he wouldn't let me. He told me no and he repeatedly beat me with the metal part of his belt. I had welts and bruises all over my body. Around this time is when he started doing this thing where I would be sleeping and wake up to him choking the hell out of me, to the point I was ready to blackout, then he would release let me come to and catch my breathe and he would do it again. This would happen a couple of times a month, I would have finger bruises all over my neck all the time. To this day I still wake up trying to catch my breathe when I am sleeping. He verbally abused me, ah man did he ever. He would say things like " your a dirty whore and you was born that way, that's why you fucked both you cousins" and " I know u liked it when u were little, u incest fucking white trash bitch" (sorry for the language but those are his exact words). Yeah I felt great after that (not really). I can't explain why I stayed so long and put up with that. So please don't ask. I left him when I was 22 years old, mostly because I felt either I was about to die or he was. I was at my breaking point to where I thought about killing him in his sleep and their was no way I was going to jail over him. So I left, and he made it hard. He would threaten, stalk, and try so hard to get me back. I just wouldn't do it. The fight I gave to leave him was pretty much all the fight I had left in me. I broke down after that and I mean really broke down. I hate being near people I don't know, it freaks me out. I now have Agoraphobia, all kinds of anxiety but mostly social anxiety, borderline personality disorder, PTSD, and many other things. I live with my parents and I don't hardly ever leave the house. Anyways I am sorry this turned out to be so long. I really didn't expect it at all. I was just gonna mention the childhood sexual abuse but it led to all this. I guess I had a lot to get out of me, and this isn't all of it. I left out a lot of other major things and details that happen to me. Once again I am sorry.

Thank you Gilly and Joycicle. Gilly your story was inspiring, thank you for sharing it with me. I am glad you are doing much better. I really hope to get there one day. I will definitely keep going outside a little at a time with my dogs, maybe even try walking them around the block a little. Its hard right now because where I live its -10 degrees. But when it warms up I will try. Joycicle, thanks for making me feel like its a big accomplishment going outside as little as I do. I will keep at it. Thanks again you two.

Thank you, I am glad to know I am not alone in this.

Thank you so much for telling me that. I can walk a little in my front and backyard too. I have dogs so when I let them outside I go with them and watch them play, sometimes I get those feelings but a lot of the time they distract me. I will def be checking out that chat. Thanks again

Hello everyone, I am new here. I have Agoraphobia and have been homebound for years. I go out a little here and there but not much at all. Everytime I do leave my home, I get extreme anxiety to a point where I can't calm down till I am back in my home. I also have PTSD so that plays a big part in it. I have a real hard time being around people. I can not have a lot a people in my home at the same time. I freak out. I pretty much let the Agoraphobia take over my life and I am having a real hard time getting it back. If you have any helpful tips please let me know I can really use them.

I keep having trouble with FLASHBACKS. Everyday I have them. I am so tired of reliving my trauma. Almost everthing triggers one or more of my traumas. A hug from my father, a smell, a noise, and even trying to go to sleep triggers it. I am so isolated from people, cause people trigger it the most. I feel so alone, I can't stand it anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions or techniques I can try?

Hi, my name is Jessi. I am new here and I have never done anything like this before. I am 26 years old and I am struggling with Agoraphobia, Anxiety, PTSD, Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, and a few other things. I have been thru so much, that I just lost all trust in people. It is so hard for me to be around them. I have been like this for almost 5 years now. I haven't had a job in 5 years. I barely leave my house. When I do I have extreme Anxiety. I can't be around crowds of people. It is really hard for me to even wake up everyday. I am a very shy and quite person, I don't open up to people very much. I'm not on any meds or have not seen a therapist in a long time. I know I need to but it is really difficult for me. I am hoping by joining this site, that I can open up a little easier, and eventually return to therapy. I have no friends that I can talk to and my family just doesn't get it. I am just broken and I have no hope for anything.