I was involved in someone's death and it broke me

[helloworldthisisme 0]

Preface: I just want to say thank you to anyone who takes the time to read this and respond. I'm not going into too much detail so that the post won't be as long, but if you have more questions, please ask.

Six years ago when I was 17, I was involved in an accident that led to a man's death. There was a police investigation, and it was ruled not my fault. I understand that it is not technically my fault; however, it is without a doubt that if I had not been there at that place and time, this wonderful college professor, loving husband and father would not be dead. I am raised catholic, so extreme 'catholic guilt' was reinforced in me all my life. That's only relevant because I need to clarify that I felt guilt stronger than I can even begin to describe over this man's death and the impact it had on his family, students, and friends.

I was already crippled by social anxiety and depression before the accident. I talked about this to no one, and I could hide it decently enough to where questions weren't asked (not that I had anyone in my life who would've cared enough to ask). Needless to say, this event completely broke me mentally. I also talked to this about the accident to no one besides a few therapists. I'm still not sure how my family perceives this event.

Before the accident, I was well known as witty, smart, lively, but very awkward. Now I'm 23 years old, and I'm known as dumb and boring. I feel very faint emotions now, have zero motivation in life, my ability to recall things is so bad that I'm embarrassed by it daily, but I don't have enough self hate to kill myself due to the lack of emotion.

This event brought me to a low that I didn't know existed. It broke me, and the only way my brain could cope with it was by blocking out thoughts and emotions. I haven't dealt with the guilt I feel towards this event because I simply don't feel guilt at all anymore. That's the only emotion that I'm 100% out of touch with.

The reason I'm posting this is because I just need someone to tell me that they've experienced this sort of mental break too and that I won't be like this forever. I need to know that I can get back to the way that I was, that I can feel emotions deeply again, and that I can regain my memory. I just need hope or even just the truth about my situation.

[Total Eclipse 62]

When my brother died, by car wreck (I too felt at fault); and took therapy and 7 years to work through it. It does get better. Before the wreck I had social anxiety and depression, after I gained ptsd and agoraphobia. 

[Cuchculan 4]

That is something we could all say about events that happened to or around us. If we were not there at that time. There are many times I look back and think ' what if I had not gone out that night '. I am sure life would have been different in a big way today. But I did go out those nights. Life is as it is. you were not to blame. Answer me this, what if you were not there and somebody else was? Another driver in another car. Exact same outcome. As my mother always says ' when your time is up, your time is up '. Hard not to feel somewhat guilty. But you did nothing wrong at all. This is something you have to come to accept. 

[Deweyishere 2]

I am sorry that you have to deal with such a heart-breaking event. I can totally understand how it feels to be a reason behind someone's death. I hope you can recover real soon and forgive yourself real soon. I cannot imagine the kind of pain you have gone through. But please don't live your life carrying this trauma and the pain from it. You committed a mistake and we all do. The real essence is to learn from them, pray for your forgiveness, and forget the post. If you feel depressive and can't be happy, please chekc this out and practice these tips  https://ezcareclinic.com/best-mental-health-speakers/ 

Take care! 🙂