crying, not enjoying life, ignoring my kids over uterine and ovarian cancer fears

[kemmie72 0]

I wish I were stronger. I hate that I give in to my anxiety. I've had some pains so I went to my gyn and he said everything looked and felt fine but took a biopsy (he knows I worry because I've had spotting and my mother died of uterine cancer) and stomach pains. He also ordered a sonogram. So as I wait for the biopsy results and the sonogram, I'm sitting here crying and upset, thinking doom is waiting for me. I'm a single mom of two kids. And while I lost both parents in the past few years and got divorced (good riddance, I got the house and everything I wanted) I have a pretty great life. Great friends and family. I miss my parents but they were wonderful and I accept that they were called home. but i do feel like if anything happens to me my kids' lives would be ruined. while ive made sure that they would be taken care of financially and know my brother and cousin would take care of them, I can't stop dwelling on death. That every test result could mean the end. I hate that I can't just live and smile and be happy and stop worrying. That i'm now bent over the computer crying. My dr just told me he's thinks I'm fine but he can't see microscopic cells that could be sinister and although my ovaries felt okay, who knows that sonogram would show up. I wish I could just think about the abdominal pelvic ct scan that was normal in feb but no, i'm thinking that something could have grown in the interim. my new therapist heard my fears and said that he wants to help me with my anxiety because its sad that i live with a sense of doom. it's also that if something is wrong with me, I don't have anyone to go to treatment with. my friends have spouses and while a few have battled cancer bravely they've had spouses to go to them to treatment. Again, I'm ashamed that i'm having these negative thoughts and cant just tell myself, what is to be will be, whatever God throws at me I can go, and go enjoy a game of scattergories with my kids. Thanks for listening. 

[sTeaLth 238]

While I’m not in the exact same situation... I’m right here with you tonight. I’ve had a feeling like something in my lower esophagus for months now. It worsens and lessen but I’m scared to death it’s cancer of some kind. I have two little boys under 4. I’m scared to death to leave them and their mom. This week has been bad with anxiety but today especially... I’m low. Convinced it’s the worst case. I can’t even get into a doctor for almost two weeks. And that would be the first initial visit, not even testing. 😢 I don’t know how to get out of this anxiety. I will say a prayer for you as I continue to seek peace. I hope you can find peace. 

[Christin 2]

I feel the exact same way!!! Even though I have a husband and family, the fear of dying and leaving my 3 girls is what takes my anxiety to the roof!! My husband and one of my girls has high functioning autism and aren’t always the easiest to deal with. I fear that if anything happened to me it would break my family. It is so hard to have faith that God has everything in control and that none of us are promised tomorrow. I have always had control issues and most people with health anxiety do as well. The ultimate fear is that our bodies will fail us and we will have no control of the outcome. I work on this fear all the time because it takes me away for the things I love. Our focus determines our reality so if I am constant fear of dying and being gone from my family guess where I end up.....I end up being curled up in my bed or too distracted with my anxiety to spend time and focus with family which actually makes my fear come true in a way. I can either let the fear overtake me or take a deep breath, center my mind, and focus on the things in my life that actually matter. Some days are easier than others but I am determined to try and live my life. Anxiety sucks all the joy out of life and no one deserves to live that way. 

[kemmie72 0]

Thanks to you both! you comments were so helpful. One because it's good hear that people understand how I fee, which is a comfort but you are also reminding me of the importance of finding peace and just believe that everything will be okay. We don't deserve to live this way. Here's to us finding peace and enjoying every moment of life. very good point about while we're worrying about illness taking us way from our families we are in fact doing that anyway as we stress. 

 

[sTeaLth 238]

1 hour ago, Christin said:

I feel the exact same way!!! Even though I have a husband and family, the fear of dying and leaving my 3 girls is what takes my anxiety to the roof!! My husband and one of my girls has high functioning autism and aren’t always the easiest to deal with. I fear that if anything happened to me it would break my family. It is so hard to have faith that God has everything in control and that none of us are promised tomorrow. I have always had control issues and most people with health anxiety do as well. The ultimate fear is that our bodies will fail us and we will have no control of the outcome. I work on this fear all the time because it takes me away for the things I love. Our focus determines our reality so if I am constant fear of dying and being gone from my family guess where I end up.....I end up being curled up in my bed or too distracted with my anxiety to spend time and focus with family which actually makes my fear come true in a way. I can either let the fear overtake me or take a deep breath, center my mind, and focus on the things in my life that actually matter. Some days are easier than others but I am determined to try and live my life. Anxiety sucks all the joy out of life and no one deserves to live that way. 

Great reminder that we HAVE to learn to live with the unknown every day and be okay with it. I can spend all of my time worried I’m dying or enjoy life regardless of if I am or not. I actually find comfort in the fact that we’ll all die eventually... I may  or may not have a expedited ticket to heaven is all. ☺️ Anxiety makes us think so weird man.