I Think I’m Reaching My Limit

[Bella P 75]

My issue doesn’t 100% fit here, but this seems to be the only active place, and I desperately need help or just someone to talk to. I’m just going to copy and paste what I said in another channel thing:

“I have not been okay at all. Life blew up in my face. I don’t even know where to start... There are also a lot of holes because so much has happened it would take too long to explain. 

My dad ruined so much and we had to evacuate our home and go live with a family friend, we thought it was a safe haven, but it wasn’t. The friend’s husband had a bad temper and scared me. Another person living there kept smoking inside and giving me asthma attacks. Dad kept hacking and calling and saying horrible things and I kept having breakdown after breakdown. I’ve lost so much weight, I haven’t been able to eat because I’ve been afraid to get my own food because I didn’t feel comfortable in that house, and it scares me. I did finally see a therapist, though, and a psychiatrist. I was given two new diagnoses. Autism and body dysmorphic disorder. Along with those two I have anxiety, depression, complex PTSD, panic disorder and insomnia. I also have PCOS, separate, but relevant due to previous statements and as I said there are some holes. 

Anyway, mom took us back to the house we evacuated for Christmas because dad tricked her into thinking he changed... For the past few days it’s been on and off fighting. I’ve broken down and completely dissociated twice. I have no memory of either dissociative state but I know I did something because I was sore each time. At one point while they fought I screamed at the top of my lungs for them to stop. Mom tried... Dad just looked at me, and it was like he didn’t care, and I couldn’t see any emotion in his eyes. Just cold blankness. Dad kept provoking her even as I screamed, cried and begged.

I am not okay. I’m not okay at all :’( I am sitting in my room crying unable to sleep. I just don’t know what to do and I’m sorry if this is bothering anyone but I just need someone, anyone, to listen. I can’t do this anymore! I really can’t!”

There was no fighting today but I still feel like I constantly have to watch my back and all of my other issues are weighing so heavily on me. Especially PCOS. Because of the fact I haven’t been able to eat the best I’m scared to death my next blood test will be disastrous. I’ve started having numbness and tingling in my hands, logically I know it’s likely just psychosomatic diabetes symptoms like I’ve had before, but my anxiety likes to tell me otherwise. My stomach has also been hurting pretty bad for the past few days, again I know it’s likely anxiety, but my brain won’t stop giving me what-ifs 😞 I really, really need help. How am I supposed to get ready for college, for life period, when I’m a mess? Everything scares me, I’m not sleeping and I feel trapped and hurt and sad so often. I’m sorry if I’m coming off as attention seeking or being a bother, that’s not my intention, I just genuinely don’t know what to do and don’t really have anyone to talk to. 

[Jay.E 39]

Hello Bella,

I'm really sorry you are going through so much. I can understand how overwhelming and scary it all seems at this moment. It is really important that you reach out to your therapist/psychiatrist. While it is useful to have people to talk to, it is also important that you have real experts in mental health on whose guidance you can rely on. I'm here if you wish to talk Bella, please know that you are not alone. 

[Bella P 75]

Thank you both ring kind and replying. The issue is now I’m hours away from the therapist and psychiatrist I finally found, this house is in the middle of nowhere, and we weren’t able to find good doctors before we had to leave. No one would take me, and now even if they would, we have even less money than before. I also don’t know if we are staying here, and if we aren’t, where we will end up. There’s so much out of my control. 

I am 20, but I still live at home, I can’t function very well. I’ve been trying so hard but I just can’t. Sometimes I really don’t feel 20 at all.

[Bella P 75]

4 hours ago, Total Eclipse said:

Have you looked at domestic violence shelters in your area and talked to doctors about applying for disability benefits? There are places that can help you get out of this situation. But until you are (and after) we are here to talk and listen to you and support you anyway we can. 

I’ve tried applying for disability, but I don’t know what happened with that, and there aren’t any shelters near where I am right now. We are pretty much in the middle of nowhere. When we were staying with our friend Amy we were looking for housing aid and such, but then dad tricked us into coming back. We are stuck. Mom is trying to think of a way to fix it all, and she tells me not to worry, but I feel stuck and my nerves are shot... On top of all this she keeps trying to push me to try college courses. My therapist told her he didn’t think it was a good idea for me to start until I’m more stable, but she still started in on it yesterday. I know I need to at some point, and I want to, but I know I won’t be able to handle it. I’m a mess. 

[Bella P 75]

My dad is extremely manipulative and a good liar, too. He’s made us look completely insane in the past when we tried to get help before we just up and left while he was on a work trip. 

[Bella P 75]

On 12/31/2019 at 3:50 PM, Total Eclipse said:

Do you mind stating what country your from/ area? I could research a bit. Also call the main social security line and ask them what happen with your application. You may have to appeal. 

I’m sorry for the late reply, things got extremely stressful and busy again. I’m currently in Pennsylvania, but my mom said in a week or so we may go live with my cousin. Also, do you have to be in the same state to get an appeal? 

[Bella P 75]

Just now, Total Eclipse said:

First see if you were denied. Call social security and see if it was denied, tell them (when you know); if you are moving; and the address, so they can contact you, establish care, as soon as you can (if there is ObamaCare) and keep seeing a therapist to gain more documentation. I don't know if you have to be in the same state to get an appeal, but I'm pretty sure those things can be transferred really easily.

I have to find another therapist. We are too far away from him, and we still will be if we go to my cousin’s house. I hope I can find another really good one. I also need a psychiatrist and to just need to get everything looked at. PCOS sucks. I’ll try to look into calling about disability, and everything with that. I hope this is where everything starts to finally improve. Thank you for being nice and taking the time to talk to me. I really appreciate it. 

[Ms.Moon 18]

5 minutes ago, Bella P said:

I have to find another therapist. We are too far away from him, and we still will be if we go to my cousin’s house. I hope I can find another really good one. I also need a psychiatrist and to just need to get everything looked at. PCOS sucks. I’ll try to look into calling about disability, and everything with that. I hope this is where everything starts to finally improve. Thank you for being nice and taking the time to talk to me. I really appreciate it. 

Will your insurance cover online or phone therapy?  It might be a good option for you if you are going to be too far away to get to in person therapy.  I hope that your situation improves because the stress is probably playing a huge part of your health concerns as well.  

[Bella P 75]

27 minutes ago, Ms.Moon said:

Will your insurance cover online or phone therapy?  It might be a good option for you if you are going to be too far away to get to in person therapy.  I hope that your situation improves because the stress is probably playing a huge part of your health concerns as well.  

I have no idea, but that’s a good idea I hadn’t thought of, thank you. I’m definitely going to look into it.