PressesAndStressed

For me it feels like health anxiety because I’m terrified of developing a severe mental illness. However, I also recognize that I have a touch of OCD as well. Its very hard to stop. Many times I feel like I’m doing amazingly well and then it hits me like a freight train and I feel like I’m back at square one.

I had this really badly when I was newly post partum. I’m a year out now and I still worry about it. My anxiety get super high and then i overly worry about sleepwalking and killing someone. I'll go as far as hiding knives or putting something noisy that would wake me up around something that is “dangerous” (however, when you think about it, almost everything could be a murder weapon). It’s exhausting! Know you are not alone. And yes, this is hell. I know for me the Internet is a trigger. So I stay off of medical websites and news websites that talk about whatever I’m obsessing over. (I try to). Annnd then, meditation, vitamins, minerals, Epsom salts, etc have all helped. Diffusing lavender seems to help too. I try to self talk too. I sleptwalked once as a child. Never again. So the fear isn’t sleepwalking, but murdering my family while sleepwalking and ultimately diminishing my life value. (I.e., losing everyone I love and spending my life in prison). And I know I would never consciously murder my family. Then I think about the fear again. I talk to myself about how ridiculous it is and how it won’t happen. I practice more mindfulness and try to trust myself and my core values. after-all, this fear doesn’t align with my core values and is just that... a fear.

I’ve always had bad anxiety. Especially post partum. I had a baby a year ago and had it pretty bad then. I worried incessantly about developing psychosis and harming my baby or family. (Fifth baby and this has happened with all of them). This was an ongoing fear. Even before I had her. Then a couple months after the babe was born I started doing better. (Saw a therapist and was proactive) Then a friend died in December and I was put on antibiotics for an infection and my health plummeted mentally. I convinced myself that I was going schizophrenic. I was at the store and the intercom said something and I jumped and wondered if they said my name. I knew how silly this was... why would they say my name? I knew they hadn’t said my name but I worried that since I thought they said my name that I was experiencing some psychosis of some sort. Small noises made me jumpy and I didn’t want to do anything because I was scared of everything. I felt like my mind wasn’t working right. I felt foggy and miserable. I even thought I may have hallucinated at one time. It was honestly terrible. I was experiencing major hyper-vigilance . I went to a therapist, the ER, a psychiatrist, etc. everyone said, “this is just anxiety, this is not psychosis” I started getting better. I started doing SO much better because I cleaned up my diet and started taking vitamins and minerals. I see a functional medicine doctor and a psychologist regularly. However, I feel it creeping up again. After a decent 4 months-ish... I feel “off” like my thoughts are weird again and I’m not right. Went out of town the other night and some guy was standing behind me and my baby at the store (baby is one now) and I had this weird thought that he could knock me out and steal her. I know it’s weird. I knew he was probably looking at the crayons and not at my kid, plotting to steal her... but I still walked to the next aisle because I was worried. And then I obsessed over the thought... “is this me starting the prodromal stage of psychosis” It’s never ending. I try to use healthier language... for instance, this isn’t “paranoia” this is “anxiousness” and etc. but it doesn’t always help! I used to have soooo much health anxiety about blood clots, aneurysms, and even heart attacks... I would gladly have all that back if this stopped! Worrying about my mental health is soooo much more exhausting. I over analyze everything. And I’m truly terrified that I will develop a psychotic disorder. I experience tons of intrusive thoughts. Sometimes more than others. They are primarily “weird” thoughts that just don’t sit right. Like imagining a coworker having sex, harming my children unintentionally, crashing my car, losing my mind, falling and breaking my teeth out... etc. writing them out don’t make them seem as bad as they feel... but they are horrible. Does anyone else experience mental health anxiety versus physical ailments? Please share. I feel soooo alone and I’m so terrified of going crazy.