I have PTSD following an event in college. That's about as much fact as I know. What I've gathered from panic attacks, triggers, and my husband's deduction work, what I believe happened was a sexual assault of some type outside a campus bar, with my dorm mate failing to have my back when she took me out for my birthday two months into my first semester. I suppressed it like a mf for three years, until I met my husband and discovered - in a most inconvenient way - that perhaps I wasn't a virgin after all, and it spiraled from there. But I don't remember the event, still, seven years later. I don't know if I'm grateful or not because while I don't have to deal with the memories, I still have all the symptoms and reactions. Body memory? My father, a cop, thinks someone drugged me, and my husband agrees. Could that be why I don't remember, along with my brain's protectiveness? Or am I being ridiculous, because it never happened, I have no tangible proof. I'm just a lump on the bed, surrounded by cats, and it may not even be real. Sometimes I want to remember, to validate my emotions and the pain I'm causing my family, but what's the point? Perhaps I'm just like this for selfish reasons, and if it's true it's too late to seek legal justice anyhow.
Has anyone else ever faced this? Do you have any advice? Is it all moot because I have no say in selective amnesia anyhow?
