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  1. Thanks guys for your support...I am supposed to fly next Friday(on 21st) and I am still thinking about avoiding that thing, trying to zig-zag or dodge...but at the end of the day I will have to accept inevitable- I will have to get on that plain. Of course, I have many ruminating thought - age of the planes (between 20-30 years), freezing conditions, maintenance of those plains, turbulence, what will happen to my family if something happens to me (I am the breadwinner)...and many others. Both flights are supposed to last cca 80 min (each), so it's not so bad, comparing to some international flights, but still...few days ago I was sitting in my office and counting how long those 80 minutes were...if you are stuck in the place without moving anywhere, it's never ending story. I know that rationally based- hitting the road by car in freezing conditions, might be much more dangerous....and more debilitating to my sore spine. But I was also thinking about your words about the terrorist...and sometimes, being ready to admit that or not, terrorist win. Hope I will be strong enough and be a man to embark the plane.
  2. Guys, I suppose many of you have it. How big is it, does it prevent you from getting on the plane, how do you cope with that etc? I am supposed to have a flight on 21 st December (two flights actually, one layover) and two flights back 15 days after. Fact that bothers me the most is that I am flying with Eastern European company (TAROM) and than with another similar company -Air Serbia. Besides that, cold weather, icing on the wings, turbulence etc freak me out. I can always opt for a car, but in that case I would have to travel for 17-18 hours, and I have a back and knees issues. Any positive thought, prays, or whatever you can "give" me?
  3. My short update- on my trip to my hometown or during my stay there, I fucked up my lower back. Congrats! Officialy, I am the unluckiest guy in the world. I was looking after one of my kids, and in the following morning I woke up with such a stiffness and burning sensation in the lower spine. Congrats! Just want to leave everything and to go to North Pole, far away from the people, job, obligations, bills, office...everybody and stay there like a shipwreck for decades.
  4. Thanks for being supportive. Without suggestions from this forum, I might haven't visited a doctor. Speaking of physical problems, do you ever feel ashamed for having problematic health? If everybody else around you is fine, and you are a black sheep always having something I just feel....sometimes, or better said very often frankly speaking, I am angry at myself because of that and ashamed for having problems. Besides my own, I feel like letting down everyone's else expectations...and when people see me "complaining", although I am not doing it very often despite all challenges, they just say vaguely "ok ok, it's going to be ok", or just "it's bad". Don't know whether you guys have seen the movie called "The beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio - people have they secluded paradise, hidden from outer world, partying all day long. Nobody cares about anything but party,alcohol and sex. But when the shark attack on one member of the community spoils their mood, and brings them a "missery", they expel him, taking care only about their "hakuna matata" lifestyle. Long story short, sometimes I find myself totally related to that guy, bitten by shark, who keeps spoiling with my "problems" perfect careless life of my social environment. How does your social environment react to your issues?
  5. So my update...I visited the ortopedic, and he told me that I screwed up my knees by long sitting, presribing mr a painkillers and some creams. For spine also he gave something...overall - I am taking now a whole bunch of medicaments. The pain is slightly diminished, but still hard one...I feel like invalid...I started thinking that I am predestined to be miserable, because every health prombem I had in my life was in its full swing. F..k I will never be happy and totally worry and pain relief. Being in pain is just part of burden that I am feeling when think about how people might look at me, or what if I am not able enough to look after them because of my physical pains...to hand over everything to my wife and to be just a spectator....
  6. You are right...I have decided to make that step and to call for a help tommorow. If they can help me, it's an added value, if not I will try to proceede with my selfhelp. I am little bit reluctant to visit a doctors...because...dont know how to explain it even in my native language...guess all my life something has been happening to me...I was the most feeble kid in all neighbourhood. But at some point, during his 20-ties that kid grew up, became strong, trained wrestling etc etc. Until 2011, when I broke my neck and everything restarted once again...I spent a huge amount of time on the therapy, after that I had cardiac ablation (to heal arrhythmia caused by abruptly stopped traing process and genetics), and vicious circle of these painful episodes in my neck/arm. Now when I say something is going on with me.I feel guilty for having that. I think people might think that I like that condition. But I hate it, from the bottom of my heart. I was complaining to my cousins and even my wife about this problem with a knees that appeared suddenly, while I was preocupied by healing the spinr, and I got impressions that their reaction was/is kind of "seriosly,again? What is the problem now?" Sorry if I was not clear, but I think that I am fed up little bit with everything. That,s why I am ashamed of going to the doctor, of telling anybody how I feel...but on the other hand, my body is betraying me and cant cope with that all the time without telling the others that I am not fine
  7. Sorry for being confusing...I guess my thoughts are hectic little bit....because last couple of times when visited doctor(s) they couldn't believe that I had problems on two places in my body. I heard one of them saying to the nurse, who accidentally interupted the examination - "he has pains everywhere", but she said that disdainfully. For the matter of fact, only physical therapy can help me, which is lasting process and requires some time to be appointed, but I guess they could prescribe me some oral painkillers, to alleviate my problem. Maybe my problem is that I might be ashamed of going there, in order to avoid some prejudice eyes of the doctors when they see me comming there (again), in such a short period of time.
  8. Hi guys, I have been going trough a hard times recently. My problem is not mental, this time, but more physical and it's making me a such a torment. Namely, I got flared up at the same time my cervical hernia (that I have been having for years and every now and then I cope with that) and some things on/in my knees. First one causes me a such a pain in the right arm, while the latter causes burning sense in both legs, going up to the hips. I have visited a doctor and just underwent a treatment and for a short period of time I felt better...but something happened this week,and I re-injured the neck and screwed up the knees. Speaking of knees, doctor told me that I have something called runner knee or jumper knee, but that affected both of my knees...dont know how. To be sure, he reffered me to ultrasound, but the first free term was on 9th November...to make a thing worse, in 7 days I have to set off by car for my country, and to drive cca 1000 km. There I have to stay one month and to help my wife with the kids, but frankly I am not sure if I am able to take care of myself. I am sick of complaining to my wife and friends, because being separated temporarly, they have been looking after them...and I only had one assignment (besides being a "breadwinner") to take care of me...and dont know what to do frankly...should I go back to the doctor to lament him there over my sad life or to wait till I arrive in my country to seek a help there. Not depresive but really crestfallen....the pain that I am going trough is less and less bearable...from mental and from physical aspects
  9. Hi there, dont know whether you have visited your doctor (and obviously I am not a doctor), but your symptoms sound like something called "running knee". It`s perfectly fine while you are walking, but problems begin when you get up and down, or going up and down the stairs. Nothing sinister, but requires a physical therapy, because it`s not going to be healed on its own. If I were you I would appoint with the doctor as soon as possible, because untreated - this can be painful. Wish you all the best and just get rid of those thoughts.
  10. Guys sorry for not having replied to you, cause I had a lot of guests for the Easter holidays. I hope you didnt lose desire to partake As far as I can understand, as a observer, jonathan123 and torontogirl have some remnants stemming from the past - particularly from their parents (mother). Because my mother was also very strict, I am curious, if we are like this because we still "nurture" that kind of fear to please our mothers inside ourselves? I am father of two, and I am aware that parents involuntary could make a lot of damage to their kids, so I am trying to be careful as much as possible. But on the other hand, I know that if there were not a parents as a main culprits for our condition, there would have been something else - bullies at the school, unfaithful partner, jerky boss...so it`s our fault, had we been more resilient, we maybe would not have ended up like this. Bterflymom I think that everybody has that kind of fear....nobody is smiling when he/she has to undertake some medical tests that would really be crazy sign of masochism or smth like that:) But to tell you funny thing - in my country, retired people are very often keen on going to hospital and staying there, because they have abundance of spare time, and just they need something to "brag" in front of other peers like, to compare their lab analyses among themselves and to have subject of discussion for awhile and at the end of the day - they have a "winner" but putting that aside, nobody likes going there....I am 33, and usually I dont have a fear of doctors, hospitals etc etc....but two years ago, when I underwent some surgery, after two days staying there I started begging doctors to be discharged My wife has a fear of highways...or to be more punctual - of things that might happen on highway...every time when I drive I notice her sweating because of overtaking some truck or buss or some long vehicle. That`s why she doesnt drive at all. She is so afraid of it that she doesnt want to drive on parking. But she is "excellent" navigator, and critic of my driving skills Likewise, funny thing about me - I have fear of flying. And the really big one! really really! And once when I flew, some turbulence appeared, and I grabbed (literally) flight attendant (it was a guy, I knew him, we were acquaintances ) asking him to tell me whether everything was going to be OK or not. And he didnt see that coming, so he just stammered something like: "Yes, those are just mild turbulence" . But noooo, I was not pleased with his response, so I proceeded : " It would be better for you" My wife was trying to calm me down Of course, he didnt get angry at me because he knew my problem. Also, my best man has the same fear. Once he flew to the U.S. and over the ocean the plane started shaking because of the turbulence...he was so afraid that he stood up from his seat, telling flight atendant that he wanted speak personally with the pilot in order to get firm confirmation and assurances that everything was going to be OK Of course, he was not allowed, and at the end of the day, he sat down and took a pills. And last funny story regarding fear of flying - another friend of mine also has the same problem. And before every flight, he drinks something - whiskey, vodka, beers...that day beer was his weapon of choice. At the airport his wife bought him few bottles of beers, and he drunk it. But he noticed nothing has happened...he was still sober. So he kept drinking, taking a beers from the bag that his wife gave to him, totally focused on surviving the flight. And when the last call for check in was announced, he approached the gate, wondering how it could be that he was still sober....and then, he noticed that his wife bought him non-alcoholic beers :))))))) So he got in the plane totally "clear" :))))
  11. I have become more active recently :)) I guess my anxiety goes up, and this website has always been my last refuge in my gloomy days. Each of has is afraid of something, which is very peculiar for him, and maybe it`s wierd to some others. For instance, it was funny to me when I heard a story of one guy who was afraid of being lost at supermarket, cause it seemed to me ridiculous. But to the contrary, when I have to speak and say something, especially if that is in foreign language - I have anxiety rocking my head (which is funny also, cause I am fluent in two foreign languages now). I think if we come out of the closet with all our fears, that rock our boat back and fort, it can be way of healing our souls. Of course, I just mentioned situations that portray some other, inner, issues of our mentality, and fears are just a symptoms. For instance, I guess the guy who is afraid of being lost at the supermarket has fear of being abandoned or something like that, while I have social anxiety and fear of being less than perfect, or something like that. Yeah, yeah, keep laughing, I know I am moron:)) but I know that only when I am "conscious" and when the fears subside. What are the funniest thing that you are afraid of? If you are willing to participate in this kind of poll, at all
  12. Dont know what you say, but thank you...and sorry for my belated reply... Yes, you correctly "enlisted" my fears + some others like "not meeting other`s expectations" or to deliver what`s been expected from me. Altought "the person" who expects best perfomance from me is myself, personally....nobody hunts me like that (or extremely rarely ) but I am my worst enemy. Late at night, when I put a sleep one of my son`s and sing him lullaby, I think how I came to this point.Then I have clear mind and have nothing else to be focused about but on him. Let`s say that I have always considered myself less successful, strong, smart or witty than others of my peers since my childhood (of course, lack of father and strict mother were among others significant "ingredients" that affected my mindset too), but while being "looser" was sometimes cool during the high school (and in my country - even popular), where and when I perfectly fitted in - after I "grew up" I had to catch up my peers and to "beat" and to be better than them in order to prove to myself. I know, this was super long sentence:) And when I am alone, I promise myself for the 1000th times that I will never again be harsh and strict ...but it lasts only while I am away from the people, job, workplace....and when that happens again, it pisses me off, cause I breached the promise AGAIN. Of course, there are another real reasons to be worried about, like paying some other`s debt every month and possibility of loosing my own house, which make my life even more resentful and bitter. Vicious circle of showing off and scrutinizing myself keeps going on and on. I was on zooloft and clonazepan, but since I am living abroad for the time being, my stockpile of the pills gets smaller, so I decided to reduce my dosage - I am taking it every third day or smth like that. But frankly, i dont know whether that has any effect. Like you said, my children bring me unconditional love....I think that is the only therapy that helps me, stronger than anything else. Only with them I am authentic and natural, but again, they are just babies yet. Thank you very much for listening me...
  13. Hello there, it`s been a while since I was here last time..I was reluctant to come, cause i though things were looking up for me. I have GAD and SAD, and this topic might have been posted on "Social Anxiety Dissorder" section, but I noticed that "department" is not very much active. However, I came here. I have always been strict to myself, as some of you maybe recall from my previous posts, but in the last couple of weeks, it skyrocketed. Whatever I say, or do, in my interaction with other people (including my own wife sometimes) makes me insecure and I start overthinking and scrutinize my words (and deeds). "Did I do this rightly, did I say this correctly, should I have done this in that or this way" and thoughts like that are rouminating trough my mind. I feel relief only when I find out that I did something good and said something as I should, after hours of checking up and rechecking again. This scrutinize makes me tired...and more over, if I find something done wrongly, that makes me additionaly nervous next time when I have to act or say something, which normally leads to further errors and so on and so forth. Only pure things in my life, where I dont have any kind of restrains, are my two sons, two babies. Altough when I come home after hard working day, and staying with them is physically demanding, very very demanding, when I am with them I dont feel like I am under (my own) observation and scrutiny. And then I feel everything that has been so worrisome to me that is so distant and remote from my heart. Do you have any kind of similar feelings like that?
  14. thank you very much bterflymom...you know how to sooth "torments" with the words, and you are more than kind..thank you....yes indeed, control is one of the aspects of that... singing a song is not bad idea at all....maybe i will try it....last night, finally i had a (more than) decent sleep...i have slept 7-8 hours (of course, intermittently, but still it counts) so today, i feel much better. here is a smile for that :))) i`ll try to be less strict to myself...as ES and you mentioned, i am punishing myself for no reason, and i am doing that, sometimes, ruthlessly
  15. hey, you will survive!!! panic attack comes and goes, and it`s not going to last. i would re-phrase your approach, just imagine how much would you be proud of yourself on Friday when everything was over! you will make a giant leap forward! i had fear of flying which is debilitating etc etc, but recently i was compelled to travel by plane (there was no other choice)...of course, days before the flight i had been shuddering, but when i landed safely, i was proud of myself, because i didnt allow that setback to pin me down! dont worry, just keep rolling, you will land safely too