tyler23k

Thank you for the replies.. I'm just so tired of it all I guess.. I'm only 31 what's the next 30 going to be like? I can't go to chiropractors because I have a wire in my spine that sends a signal up to my brain that my legs are tingling to help cover the pain.. its called a Nuro stimulator.. if I my spine is manipulated at all that lead can move and it won't work anymore

So tired of this pain.. for the last 6 years I have been dealing with a lot of back pain.. recently (last month) I started lyrica to be treated for fibromayalsa.. sorry I suck at spelling.. anyway.. Monday while at work I slipped on a bit of ice.. the Dr said I sprained my acl, I'm pretty sure he meant Achilles sense its more in my foot but what do I know he went to school not me, anyway.. I truly believe every ounce of pain I have I desereve.. one way or another I earned it.. but I really don't know how much more of this I can handle.. I am nearly in tears every night from the pain and I just don't want to deal with this anymore, j don't know how much more I can handle... anyway I guess that's my rant.. have a good one..

Got the results of my xrays.. when I originally got hurt the looked at the bottom half of my back never the upper.. xrays showed the top was also "compressed" I gathered it meant everything is screwed up.. go figure

Its possible I guess but after 6 years of doctors poking and testing I'm losing faith anything will give me any relief :/

So just an update. I had a Dr appointment today and they had me do some xrays of my back, she is thinking that its possible they missed something like a possible break somewhere along my spine. She then said she suspects, based on the in effectiveness of the narcotics I'm on, that I have nerve damage and possibly fibromayasa (that is probably not spelled right but I hope you know what I mean. Anyway she prescribed me lyrica. Reading the possible side effects the best being kidney failure I couldn't help but chuckle a little bit. I was raised in a very religious family and was always taught god won't throw anything at you that you can't handle. I can't say I believe that anymore.. and in the spirit of honesty part of me is really hoping, actually praying, that it finishes me off.. I'm so tired of the constant pain, both physically and emotionally I just don't know how I'll handle it. I guess that's just me venting.. have a great night everyone. Sorry for complaining..

Thank you. I really believe I found you all at the right time. The support here has been unbelievable. Far more then I expected.

Joycicle- I do believe its probably time to end things. One problem is I don't trust myself alone right now. I have a tendency to over think especially when I'm alone and that's when I'm at my worst. I also have a 15 month old I love more then anything. My wife and I have diacussed seperating/divorce but she chooses that time to believe depression is real and how I am a danger to myself and our daughter. She has also made it very clear she has no problem telling the courts that to make sure I never get to see her. As far as going to a Dr. My wife is a manager at the local hospital/clinic and is therefore great friends with the doctors. I'm sure it isn't as bad as it feels but I just feel so trapped. Every time I muster the strength to leave she reminds me how no one but her cares about my well being and I'll be alone. She knows exactly what buttons to push and when. Times like this I hate living in the middle of no where.

The majority of my depression started when I got hurt actually. I was never the "brainy" type but made up for it with my strength. I crushed the two lower discs in my back. Usually not a huge deal many people have it and get it repaired and are fine. My case was work comp however and I waited nearly a year before surgery, I was still having some pain after but not as bad as before. Then things progressively got worse. I'll save all the details but for management I have an implanted stimulator its a cable that runs up myain nerve in my back and tells my brain that my legs are "vibrating" kind of how a tense unit would work. Its not really going on your brain just thinks it is. I need a fusion but being only 31 they want to wait. I also take large amounts of pain killers they love throwing at me and get massages whenever possible. Hope that answered your question. Let me know if you have any more

Hey thank you all for your responses it really does mean a lot. I am on some medication. I see a Dr at a pain clinic, I haven't told her much really just that I feel low at times. I was prescribed a kind of all in one drug, its a sleep aid muscle relaxer as well as antidepressant. I haven't done any thearopy or seen a proffesional, this may sound like an excuse and who knows maybe it is. I live in a very small farming community where the closest professional is an hour away and they close at 5. I work 7-5 5-6 days a week so even if I wanted to I couldn't. Thank you all again.

I'm really having a hard time with a couple things I'm hoping some of you can help me with. Some of you know that my relationship with my wife has been stressed from my depression mostly because I have to try my best at hiding it from her because she thinks it isn't a real disease. But to be honest I feel/know she's part of my problem. Every time I make a mistake or word something wrong I get reminded how I'm "stupid" or "R*****d" etc. Recently it became physical where she pushes or hits me. I don't retaliate but instead decide to just put my hands in my pockets and take it. I know its not right and want out but at the same time its almost like I feel dependent on her, like there is no way I'd get along without her. This past weekend age left to visit her sisters. Friday night I was at home a lone thinking, (me being alone and thinking is usually when my depression gets worse) anyway I started crying and before I even realized it I had my gun in my hand and all I wanted to do was end it. I was interrupted by a friend, I don't know what would have happened if I wouldn't have been. Anyway the next day I found this site, even while writing this I keep feeling like no one cares, I should just stop writing. One of the questions I have is, is it normal to feel so dependent on someone like that? Any advice/experiences are very welcome. Thank you for your time.

My wife and I haven't gotten a long for awhile now, the depression is just another wedge driving us apart. I just really don't trust myself to be alone right now

Thank you.. reading through the posts everyone looks pretty cool.. I'm really hoping just getting it out there as well as listening/ helping others might give me some peace.

Hey I am a 31 year old male Who has been dealing with chronic back pain for 6 years now. I have been dealing with depression for probably 4 years now but recently all I gave wanted to do is kill myself. I have been married for 8 years but can't talk to her because she believes depression is a choice so for a long time I thought it was my own doing, thinking maybe I'm looking for attention or something? I know I need help and was hoping maybe by talking with others who might have the same thoughts or condition may help? Anyway that's me thank you everyone for listening.