hi, i just joined this forum at like 12 am because i just want to .. write about what's happening.
about 8 months ago i was started on lexapro after s****de attempts and some other drama. earlier that year in 2016 my best friend had killed herself accidentally, then after summer vacation i went through a breakup, then my great grandma died, then my dog died. really great series of events. i don't think the medication made that much of a difference, but i was started in homeschool because of social anxiety and i found another boyfriend who i love a lot so that helped with my recovery. i gained like 20 pounds while on lexapro and i was really sad about that and went through a period of eating very little then binging. i've always had a weird relationship with food, despite never being overweight or underweight until the lexapro.
my parents have always been very strict about electronics: phones, tablets, etc. i'm an older teenager so i feel like these strict rules are bit much. my parents are so paranoid about online friends. they think everybody online is a pedophile. when i was younger, i was going through my 'edgy' and 'depressive' phase (i didn't have depression now that i know what it feels like) and i had a good group of online friends on kik. i didn't have many friends at school and would always look forward to talking with them when i got home. of course, my parents were wary of these kids (all my friends were ages 11-16) and decided to take away my electronics for i don't know how long. i should also mention that my parents are heavy users of corporal punishment. i got a lot of spanking and hitting with the belt when i was a kid. so, to continue upon what's happening now, my current boyfriend is long-distance. i love him so, so much. it's a mature love, not some dumb crush. he lives across the state, so not too far. i have a phone that i use to call and communicate with him. the skype calls i have with him are always the highlights of my day. i love to call him at night and have him sing lullabies to me and fall asleep with the call still going. it makes me feel close to him and safe. it calms my anxiety. but i'm not allowed to have my phone after 10 or whatever. so ya know, i always found ways around this.
my parents like to go through my messages for some reason. i guess they get some sort of sick satisfaction out of snooping through my life. i try to always delete all my messages. but a few days ago they found out i hadn't been following the "no phone after 10 rule" and decided to swipe it.
i should mention, i have a sister who also has a phone. she is about 3 years younger. she does not have to follow these rules. why? i don't know.
in addition, i'm currently switching meds from lexapro to wellbutrin because of the weight gain. the lack of medication is certainly not helping me with this situation. me and my boyfriend were planning to meet up at a science institution where both our families were taking us to (not knowing we were to meet up). we did it before back in november and it was so, so fun. i have never been as happy in my life than when i was with him. apparently my boyfriend had texted me something about monday on the morning of my parents looking through my phone, which is tomorrow and when we were planning to go. my parents were like "what is monday about" and stuff. they suspect i'm meeting up with my online friends. we're still going tomorrow, but my mother said she wouldn't let me roam free at the institution.. i think i am going to fight the power tomorrow and just flat out refuse to follow her rules. i'll go to the bathroom and stay there until they move on and then i'll be free for the day. i want happiness. who knows when i'll have the chance to see him again? it'll only be a few hours and i can deal with the yelling and punishments afterwards. i don't know. i have this sick feeling in my stomach but it's starting to go away just by venting. honestly i don't know what kind of replies i'm wanting but i guess i just wanted to vent??? i should probably head to bed soon for the trip tomorrow. thanks for listening to my rant/life story. it certainly made me feel better.