Veryscary

We talked today and she suggested discontinuing. Since it hasn't been a full two weeks she didn't think a wean was necessary. I'm hoping that I can regain some hope. I have alot of emotions going on. I don't want to make any missteps. I just want to feel ok again. I want my life back. 😞

Please. Someone.

Also contributing to the sense of despair: - If I stop, will I get worse?? I know I didn't feel like ending my life before this, so I'm holding out hope that THAT particular piece will go away - If I stop, will there be some awful withdrawal? If so, will I have to take Ativan - and will I end up addicted to that?!?! - Should I just go back on the zoloft? Will I have to taper ... will Imake everything worse??? These types of things are why I wrote that letter. I envision myself as a smiling little girl and that's who I miss. I miss that smile. I miss me. I'm so tired of crying. I don't want to die. I don't. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm holding on to a very slippery rope.

TLDR: Feeling markedly more depressed and newly suicidal after 12 days on Lexapro. Not sure if I should stick it out, go off, or go on another medication. Fearful that even if it works by week six, I'll be dead by week 4. Doc tried me on Lexapro. About 12 days in and have had new onset panic attacks, insomnia, loss of appetite and most troubling, deep depression that has made me feel like there is no hope of ever getting out. I sob for hours daily. It's not about health triggers or any other OCD triggers - it's just a feeling that I will never, ever, ever be ok again. I don't want to hurt my family or friends. I just want to stop suffering. So I wrote a goodbye letter today. But I deleted it. I was struggling with increased health anxiety before; I could get past triggers it would just take a while. I didn't feel like my life was ending. Now I feel like I am broken inside and will never be ok. I feel that I will either die or end up in mental institution. I did not feel this way before. I cannot envision a life in which I'm not tormented. I meet with my psychiatrist this afternoon. I'm afraid she is going to tell me to take MORE of the medicine or tell me to go to a psych ward. As I write this, I am again feeling like I should just jump off a bridge.

Just severe OCD and ha. I fear having 6 diseases at a time. I just don't know what to say. I can't stop crying.

Anybody...

I'm typing this crying pretty uncontrollably right now. I need my life back - I just want someone, anyonne, a stranger, I don't care, to tell me that I can be ok again. I'm hurting so so bad right now. I came off zoloft in October but after two months of this covid thing and the isolation kicking up my HA/OCD, I decided I had to go back on it. I got scared and stopped after two weeks; now three days later, I've decided to continue with the .25 and go up to the .50 like the doctor said I need. I'm just so scared. Not even scared of side effects per se because I'e been on it before and I know I can can taper down after I get better. I"M AFRAID I WON"T GET BETTER. And I have to get better. I've lost 12 lbs in two months, I'm wearing out my partner ... I don't want her to stop loving me. I don't want to lose my family my job my life. I havge to get better. I know nobody can tell me the future. But I wish someone could tell me please please please gawd that you've felt like this and felt better. Please please someone. It hasn't been this bad for me in five or six years. I don't want to get on 72 hour hold again. I can't do that I can't lose everything. Why is this happening to me :'''''(

I should add that my partner is a PCP (I take GREAT pains to keep her uninvolved with my health stuff) She says if there was a problem causing low Wbc five years ago, that problem would have manifested itself a long time ago. So I'm left with the very real possibility that I am barking up a tree for no reason at all and that simply having a record of those numbers may be enough to stand down.

Update: My doctor said his gut feeling is my number is due to ethnicity. He said he has sent a hundred people to hematology with slightly low Wbc just to learn the issue is ethnicity and lab cutoffs. He said well you seem nervous, would you feel better if we did another draw? So I left with paperwork for that but I'm not sure how to proceed because that wasn't his "first mind" - it was clearly about making me feel better. I had already put in a record request for old labs (maybe 2014 and 2015) that had similar numbers; I figure if I can show a trend this may be important. My thought is when I get them to either take those back to him and see if he thinks a blood draw is necessary or just go directly to a hematologist with them and see what their opinion is. I do NOT want to go down some dark hole of repeated testing just to prove what may be apparent to the trained mind: That this is just my normal. I also have the option to do nothing and just trust his first mind since he has seen this a bunch of times. That's the hardest option. Am I doing the right thing?

Well unfortunately the stupid guy at the front desk told me my wbc was low so that set me off. My doctor, who I'm seeing this morning, might never have said anything at all since there's evidence this is my normal. @Holls I just want to feel ok. I've started back on a low dose of Zoloft but I'm just so tired of this stuff and if he wants me to do repeat testing I'm just not sure I can bear it.

Anybody?

My blood work last week was normal except low Wbc - 3.2 and the cutoff was 3.4. Absolute neutrophils were 1.8 above the 1.4 cutoff and lymphs etc were all normal. I was 5.6 in October - but back in 2014 and 2015, I was in that 3.1/3.2 range. What could be going on here? Is 3.2 my normal and October was a fluke? I did have a painful lymph node go up that day which later went away. Fwiw I also am black female. Has anyone had low Wbc?? What was the outcome. I also had ultrasound for fibroids, pap and mammogram so I'm an entire basketcase right now waiting to be told what's up. I'm scared not of having to do more testing but of having to spend months in a "wait and see" state. I hate that so so much.

I have a major oral c word fixation that is destroying me. I went to a dentist yesterday to tamp it down and it backfired and now I’m spiraling. I felt the roof of my mouth and thought it felt weird, then I looked and was convinced something was wrong. I flipped and went to the dentist. He told me he didn’t see anything unusual, I kept prodding, and he reiterated there was jut normal ruggae. He also said that they can look whitish sometimes if tey’ve ben roughed up and he asked if I smoked; I said I vaped. He said that can do it. I freaked out because to me, white=leukoplakia=pre-malignant. He said he shouldn’t say whitish but “less pink”. But it was too late. So now I can’t accept that he didn’t think anything was wrong with my mouth or that anything needed to be monitored or biopsied in any way even though that’s what he said. I keep thinking “But why did he said whitish? Doesn’t that mean…”I also have a lot of dental work that has to be done and I’m afraid when I go back, my normal dentist will see something wrong. I had a complete breakdown yesterday in front of my partner. On background: I started vaping 1.5 years ago to curb an occasional clove cigar craving. Now I vape way more than I ever smoked and this has sent my anxiety through the roof. I’ve been visiting dentists at least once a month, sometimes twice, for a year. The last time, March 11, I saw a dentist AND an oral surgeon AND had that blue vizilite thing. Seven weeks later, I think something must have changed and now there’s OC. I know there are a lot of cognitive errors going on here, and I’m fully aware that even in the heaviest actual cigarette smokers, 18 months is not enough time to think you would have c word. But I’m stuck. Lately life is really just unbearable. * Please no anti-vaping/smoking lecture. I already know I need to stop vaping if only to stop this trigger.*

TLDR: Hair with follicle came out of nipple and now I'm ready to do a walk in mammogram. I'm a hairy woman and last night saw a hair growing from the center of my right nipple. This is not an areola hair - I get plenty of those. This happened once before. This time, however, the hair fell out on my finger as I was manipulating my breast. I looked down and saw a white bulb on my nip. I picked that up and saw a tiny little stump of a hair attached to the bulb, like the bigger hair had broken off from that. This triggered off my BC fears - is it a discharged? What does it mean? I squeezed the jesus out of my boobs and nothing came out; I also checked all my bras and there's nothing in there suggesting any type of discharge. I'm having a hard time accepting that this was just a hair with a follicle - not the first, just the first time I'm seeing the follicle. Has somebody, ANYBODY had this happen??? Background: I am 40 y/o, last mammo in May 2019 for a different episode. All clear. I have at times severe BC fears and as a result, rarely touch my breasts, even to put lotion on them. (This has led to years of dry nipples, but I don't have the energy to process that today.)

I am cycling through two things today so early apologies for back to back posting. TLDR: Black lady with mole removed with clear margins, grew back along with hair, now can't convince myself it's not still changing. I had a mole removed from my chest in late June; this mole always looked like a blackhead and I'd pick it out and it would grow right back. This time they got it with a shave biopsy and I was told it had clear margins. Phew, right? Nope, it grew back, along with the hair that's always been at the center of it. I was told to just watch it - that it may look funky because it is growing through scar tissue, but as long as it stabilizes, I'm good. So far as I can tell, it has stabilized, but as mole watchers know, it can be hard to convince yourself a mole hasn't changed, even with pictures. Has anyone experienced this? FWIW, I am Fitzpatrick V (Beyonce colored) and the mole came back as mildly atypical (but they weren't sure if that was pseudo atypia since I had dug the mole out at least three times).