Hi. I'm Kaitlyn.
When I was young, I can remember going camping and going down to the lake and sitting on the fake beach they built for us to go swimming. I remember just casually walking up to people and asking to build sand castles with them or asking them to race me while I was swimming. My goal each year was to make a new friend the week we went camping. Of course, I never actually kept in touch with those friends, but it was nice. However, as I grew older, things became different. In 6th grade, we had pen pals between us and the neighboring schools. I had two, since their school was larger than ours, and I remember literally bawling because I was so scared to write them. I was focused to make sure I didn't ask the same questions in case they were friends so that way if they read the letters to each other I sounded original and so they wouldn't judge me. I had a thesaurus and a dictionary next to me so when I wrote I sounded smart. When the day came to take pictures for us to send to our pals, I woke up at five to shower, blow dry, curl my hair, pick out the right outfit, and I stole my moms makeup to look good. I had to impress. After the picture came back, I cried because I thought I didn't look good and I was afraid of the judgement they would send back. I knew for a fact they'd judge me. The day everyone went to go meet their pen pal, I faked being sick so I wouldn't have to travel 10 miles on a bus full of people to meet two people I barely knew who I thought that hated me because I really wasn't a perfect pen pal. My parents told me I was just shy, and that I would grow out of it. But it seems that isn't the case. I'm a freshman now, and things seem to have gotten worse. We went to a job fair last year, and we had to approach the person at the job we wanted when we were older and ask them questions on a card they gave us about the job. I know everyone else was asking the same questions an that the people were there and happy to answer them (according to a friend), but I felt the people thought I was annoying, rude and that I was asking too much. When I went to the next booth (we had to ask questions about three different jobs), I just stood behind one of my classmates and filled out the questions he asked and the answers the job person gave. Its hard for me to talk to anyone who I haven't known since the beginning. I never approach any stranger because I can feel them judging the way I look or talk. When a friend asks me to go somewhere that includes someone I don't know, I spend a lot of time finding an excuse. I literally have panic attacks when I can't find one and am forced to go. However, I find an obligation not to just say no because my friends will think I am small and dumb for not going. I do not hold conversations with teachers or other figures of importance because I feel they think I'm stupid and weird for saying hi. I cant seem to finds words when I'm around them and I falter. The littlest situations cause me to have panic attacks. Ive had panic attacks in the middle of Walmart because I had to ask a store employee for something. I don't like going through the lunch line because the cooks think I eat too much. I avoid eating lunch at school as much as possible. I don't talk on the phone. I know people think the sound of my voice is dumb, and it scares me. I can't tell my parents, they'll just tell me I'm shy and I need to grow up. Sometimes I can't even walk up to blow my nose in front of classmates because I feel they judge me for the gross sound.
Am I crazy? Am I really just shy? Why is it so hard for me to do the simplest tasks? Every day I wake up and tell myself today is the day I'll put myself out there, but I always shy away.
