Letter to my health anxiety/ocd

[Jupitereyed 40]

Dear Health Anxiety,

 

I know you're trying to terrify me with thoughts of neuro-degenerative diseases, heart dysfunctions, and ovarian and/or cervical cancer based on my symptoms right now, but listen. I'm not going to consult "Doctor Google" for the foreseeable future. Hear me? No way, no how.

Remember when we did this back in 2012 and I ended up believing my symptoms meant I had everything from ALS to a brain tumor to colon cancer? I even went to the hospital unemployed with just $100 to my name and was admitted for seven hours as I waited for results from five vials worth of various blood tests and a CT scan.  And what was the diagnosis? Extreme health anxiety. The ER doctor even wrote me a script to get back on Fluoxetine, and they don't normally do that!

(By the way, those unpaid medical bills are still on my credit report.)

Instead, I will try to be at peace with the notion that despite what you insist, I actually feel mostly physically sound. And because I feel mostly physically sound (i.e., not in immediate danger), I will also try to accept that if anything serious actually is going on–such as DVT or MS or cancer or whathaveyou–it's already happening. And regardless of however terrified you try to make me, no amount of anxiety re: the possibilities will make me feel better OR make any health problems I may actually have go away. The only logical, helpful courses of action are to 1. schedule timely appointments with my various doctors and discuss my symptoms and concerns with them, and, 2. wait patiently for the appointments.

Yes, yes, yes. I understand that Googling sometimes helps people find a diagnosis that their doctors miss. Yes, I completely get that you need reassurance, RIGHT NOW, on what the condition is/isn’t that my vague symptoms check off.  Yes, I understand that some people do get the worst-case scenario too little too late.

The funny thing is? I'm not a highly trained, knowledgeable, and experienced health professional. I didn't go to school to study the human body or its pathologies of diseases and conditions. (I went for Sociology... that degree that I'm not utilizing). AND I KNOW IT! I know I actually have little business seriously trying to reason, "ok, well symptoms 1+4.3+9+??? could probably... no, DEFINITELY = heart failure or cancer or neuro-degeneration." If you ever want to talk about Emile Durkheim's theory of social stratification or theories about Protestantism giving rise to Capitalist socio-economic structures, sure! Knock yourself out! But until then, please. Let's leave anything beyond run of the mill health issues to my doctors for now.

However, I will thank you for doing what you thought was right. I know you ultimately mean me no harm, but what you're trying to make me feel right now is definitely NOT helping. Furthermore, the reassurance you think I'll get that will come with obsessively Googling symptoms and pathologies isn't going to help me either. In fact, I have years of experience that says it'll do the exact opposite: it’s ULTIMATELY NOT REASSURING TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A TENDENCY TO RUMINATE ON HEALTH PROBLEMS. (Yes, I also understand that it’s perfectly normal and healthy to be worry and scared. But it’s not normal to be petrified to the point where you can’t enjoy or live your life for weeks).

So please. Just sit by and let me do my thing and my doctors their thing. I promise I'll acknowledge you, however, it won't be with charged reactions. It'll be more something like, "Oh hello there. I see you're back. I hear you loud and clear, and I know what you mean, but I'm not going to judge your words and am now going to let what you're saying float on by, now. If you're really adamant that I take you seriously, I've allotted some time later on for worrying. Meet me then!" Capiche?

 

Best Regards,

Me

[Missy2626 251]

1 hour ago, Jupitereyed said:

Dear Health Anxiety,

 

I know you're trying to terrify me with thoughts of neuro-degenerative diseases, heart dysfunctions, and ovarian and/or cervical cancer based on my symptoms right now, but listen. I'm not going to consult "Doctor Google" for the foreseeable future. Hear me? No way, no how.

Remember when we did this back in 2012 and I ended up believing my symptoms meant I had everything from ALS to a brain tumor to colon cancer? I even went to the hospital unemployed with just $100 to my name and was admitted for seven hours as I waited for results from five vials worth of various blood tests and a CT scan.  And what was the diagnosis? Extreme health anxiety. The ER doctor even wrote me a script to get back on Fluoxetine, and they don't normally do that!

(By the way, those unpaid medical bills are still on my credit report.)

Instead, I will try to be at peace with the notion that despite what you insist, I actually feel mostly physically sound. And because I feel mostly physically sound (i.e., not in immediate danger), I will also try to accept that if anything serious actually is going on–such as DVT or MS or cancer or whathaveyou–it's already happening. And regardless of however terrified you try to make me, no amount of anxiety re: the possibilities will make me feel better OR make any health problems I may actually have go away. The only logical, helpful courses of action are to 1. schedule timely appointments with my various doctors and discuss my symptoms and concerns with them, and, 2. wait patiently for the appointments.

Yes, yes, yes. I understand that Googling sometimes helps people find a diagnosis that their doctors miss. Yes, I completely get that you need reassurance, RIGHT NOW, on what the condition is/isn’t that my vague symptoms check off.  Yes, I understand that some people do get the worst-case scenario too little too late.

The funny thing is? I'm not a highly trained, knowledgeable, and experienced health professional. I didn't go to school to study the human body or its pathologies of diseases and conditions. (I went for Sociology... that degree that I'm not utilizing). AND I KNOW IT! I know I actually have little business seriously trying to reason, "ok, well symptoms 1+4.3+9+??? could probably... no, DEFINITELY = heart failure or cancer or neuro-degeneration." If you ever want to talk about Emile Durkheim's theory of social stratification or theories about Protestantism giving rise to Capitalist socio-economic structures, sure! Knock yourself out! But until then, please. Let's leave anything beyond run of the mill health issues to my doctors for now.

However, I will thank you for doing what you thought was right. I know you ultimately mean me no harm, but what you're trying to make me feel right now is definitely NOT helping. Furthermore, the reassurance you think I'll get that will come with obsessively Googling symptoms and pathologies isn't going to help me either. In fact, I have years of experience that says it'll do the exact opposite: it’s ULTIMATELY NOT REASSURING TO SOMEONE WHO HAS A TENDENCY TO RUMINATE ON HEALTH PROBLEMS. (Yes, I also understand that it’s perfectly normal and healthy to be worry and scared. But it’s not normal to be petrified to the point where you can’t enjoy or live your life for weeks).

So please. Just sit by and let me do my thing and my doctors their thing. I promise I'll acknowledge you, however, it won't be with charged reactions. It'll be more something like, "Oh hello there. I see you're back. I hear you loud and clear, and I know what you mean, but I'm not going to judge your words and am now going to let what you're saying float on by, now. If you're really adamant that I take you seriously, I've allotted some time later on for worrying. Meet me then!" Capiche?

 

Best Regards,

Me

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!

TAKE THAT, health anxiety!  You go girlfriend!!  

[Holls 1505]

Love this. You are very reasonable with your anxiety. I mostly cuss mine out lol. 

I agree with the no googling part,.it never helps. 

I have to remind myself I'm no doc and I can't self diagnose myself. 

 

[Jupitereyed 40]

10 minutes ago, Holls said:

Love this. You are very reasonable with your anxiety. I mostly cuss mine out lol. 

I agree with the no googling part,.it never helps. 

I have to remind myself I'm no doc and I can't self diagnose myself. 

 

Thanks! And fwiw, I don't see a problem with cussing out anxiety from time to time. Or every day. You know, whatever floats your boat ; )

Sadly, Googling is only one symptom of a larger problem, but it still can be a very large hurdle to tackle in of itself (or... not tackle? in our cases). Tackle that one, though, and we can work on the others!

And no, unless it's some run-o-the-mill issues you have a lot of experience with, you can't. None of us should. Unless we're doctors. (And doctors can be wrong, but if we feel they're wrong and have leveled our anxiety levels, then 1. either bring up our concerns with a bit more press, and/or 2. get a second opinion).

[Jupitereyed 40]

18 minutes ago, Missy2626 said:

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE IT!!

TAKE THAT, health anxiety!  You go girlfriend!!  

Thank you! I wrote it both for myself and for other people to use to try to calm down if they're heavy in the throes of health anxiety.

The key is learning how to consistently let scary, doubting thoughts pass without emotional reaction or value judgment. Worry doesn't have to escalate into sheer panic, heart palpitations, and full body sweats. It's hard but achievable. I'm so annoyed with myself for falling off that horse...

[Missy2626 251]

Jupiter, all of us here have fallen off that horse!! We're all only human after all, so don't be hard on yourself! I've fallen off that horse in a big way over the course of the last year and am slowly working my way back on. I'm going to consider this past year as a learning and growing experience (albeit an extraordinarily mentally and emotionally draining one), and continue to work toward the achievement you just mentioned!

You are clearly an extremely intelligent and insightful person and I wish you all the best!  Hang in there...we can all make it through this and emerge as better and atronger versions of ourselves!

[philb 92]

Well said, there is an audio book called The Worry Cure that your letter reminds me of some points you covered. It stated that our worries are like watchdogs that bark when there is danger. But as worriers with HA, our watchdogs are super sensitive and bark at everything. We have to appreciate that our worries are trying to alert us to take action, but if there is no action to take that is helpful, then we must let the worry go, don't fight it or resist it, just float with it and let it pass. I probably butchered the explanation, the book does a way better job lol

[mimifourtimes 39]

OMG JUPITEREYED. I couldn't said it better. What an awesome letter. Claire Weeks needs to publish this letter in one of her books. Awesome, Awesome letter to anxiety.

[Mark G 1187]

Sadly Claire Weekes is no longer with us but i'm sure she would have done should she have read it.  Wonderful post Jupitereyed 

If any of you don't know who Claire Weekes is, she was one of the biggest inspirations on my recovery from anxiety and there is no doubt that she could help you too.  Some of her work is on this page, a few audio samples and information.

[Nadalgaenger 25]

Great letter. 

An outstandiong way to cope with this irrational condition that we all seem to be stricken with here. 

Just curious. Have you er any other posters experimented with mindfulness meditation? I am reading a good book on it now and I want to start doing it daily. 

[Mark G 1187]

Its a great therapy Nadalgaenger, it brings you back to the present and away from future thinking where we all tend to reside.  The past as well as the hear and now are the only certainties we know.

[philb 92]

1 hour ago, Nadalgaenger said:

Great letter. 

An outstandiong way to cope with this irrational condition that we all seem to be stricken with here. 

Just curious. Have you er any other posters experimented with mindfulness meditation? I am reading a good book on it now and I want to start doing it daily. 

Yes, tough to do at times, but I use the service called Headspace to meditate and keeps me on track.

[Jupitereyed 40]

On 7/26/2017 at 5:01 PM, Nadalgaenger said:

Great letter. 

An outstandiong way to cope with this irrational condition that we all seem to be stricken with here. 

Just curious. Have you er any other posters experimented with mindfulness meditation? I am reading a good book on it now and I want to start doing it daily. 

Thank you! And yes I have, and it's honestly a really good experience! 

However, I did want to note that new studies have found that if one suffers from anxiety and depression that manifests as derealization or depersonalization, mindfulness meditation can be very harmful. Just so anyone lurking knows!

[Mark G 1187]

Thats interesting, i suppose their view is that if you are in a depersonalised state of mind, focusing in on that mindset would enhance the symptoms.  That's probably correct.  What i would add to that is, if that is the case and in my experience, then by not doing it for fear that it would make the issue worse would feed an anxiety cycle, after all, it's running from it.  My view would be to try it, see how you feel with it, not to be afraid of it and to not allow anxiety to create another home for itself.