Never this bad

[rainbow 333]

Hi everyone

I used to post here alot. Long story short things got really bad at work...toxic work environment and a boss who is trying to get me to quit and playing dirty games .

I applied for short term got denied and off work without pay while I appeal. I was not the only she was harassing but I feel like my anxiety and fears get in the way. 

Now being at home all I am doing is worrying when I havev to go back. This manager has a high employee turnover because she basically is a witch. My hubby feels the stress and pressure will make things worse for me. But being at home has made things worse. 

I have been with that company 16 years. Longest job I ever held despite my anxiety. I feel like I am letting this job define me. I have 2 beautiful healthy kids and a supportive hubby. But job worry has consumed me. 

I feel like I have lost my self confidence and self esteem thanks to some of the not so nice things she said when it came to my work. 

My hubby said quit but we would be very tight on one income and the thought of starting all over again somewhere new scares me. 

I rarely had to take anti anxiety meds and now I take it every night just so I can sleep. ?

I know my dept and the  company will be downsizing. I just don't handle change in my life that well... 

I just needed to vent. 

 

Edited July 7, 2017 by rainbow

[Emma245 28]

Hi rainbow I'm so sorry to hear that you're having such a hard time. I do remember you saying a while ago about it being difficult at work.

Also sorry to hear that it's caused you to go back on your medication. No one can decide what is best for you except for you. I get the fear of leaving and getting another job. Sometimes I want to leave my job as I find it overwhelming. But the thought of finding something new is even more scary!

I'm not very good at advice really but just wanted to let you know someone read this and cares cos sometimes that helps...

Take care

[rainbow 333]

Thanks Emma....i hate making life changing decisions like this. Just worsens the anxiety. But if I go back my mental well being may just get worse. 

We shall see

 

[MARC 430]

I used to work for a medium size cpa firm where the managing partner was a bully. He would have these huge mood swings and would sometimes scream so bad that his neck veins would bulge and his eyes would bug out. I worked there for 20 years and would avoid him if possible and had a number of run ins with him. It was a tough environment but I stuck it out. Eventually I was forced out in June 2002 and started my own firm and have one full time employee and one part time. It has been tough but ok overall. Go back and look for a job while you are working as it looks better if you are working when interviewing for another job. 

[momonthego2019 0]

Hi Rainbow,

This is probably the best time in your life to do a quick self-inventory.  Look at it this way, you cannot control whether or not the company will keep you (you said it yourself they are downsizing).  Since you are not working, you could test the waters and see what career opportunities exist for you.  If you have 16 years of experience with this company, you must have marketable skills that any company will need and want to hire you for.  It is very hard to work on your resume, look for a job, and go on interviews while still working but you don’t have that problem. You can stay ahead of this situation.  Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.  There are many resources available to you which can help you  with resume creation, mock interviewing, etc.  I know you said you don’t handle change very well but if you are more proactive and the worst does happen, it won’t sting as much.  I know your pain when it comes to working with a difficult boss.  I wouldn’t say my boss is a witch but she is a tough boss to work for.  I try to go to work everyday knowing that I am learning to be a better person because she is in my life. You have a hubby and 2 beautiful healthy children.  Maybe she is unhappy in her life and taking it out on any and everyone who crosses her path.  That is no excuse but since you can’t change her, focus on what changes you can make in your life and make one change at a time. 

[rainbow 333]

Thanks for your replies. To be honest with you work caused me to have a nervous breakdown. Everyone in our dept hates it there. Yes she has health issues and very moody one day she is so nice the next day she is miserable. Than she has my coworker spying on our work and we are totally micromanaged. Can't ask each other questions. The fact that I know she wants me out doesn't make me feel any better. The amount of work and stress I was dealing with was not worth what I should be paid for being there so long. 

Finding another job will take time and right now I am struggling with anxiety and depression which makes it even harder to be motivated look.

Sorry just rambling on right now. 

 

 

[momonthego2019 0]

Hi rainbow,

What would your ideal day be?  From the time you wake up till the time you go to bed, if you could do or have anything you want, what would it be?

[Emma245 28]

Hi Rainbow, me again,

I'm having an awful day at work today. For me it's not my boss or anything, it's just how I feel. I work in an industry with lots of rules and regulations and sometimes I find it stressful. If we get an email saying there's some new rules or something I panic. Even though I'm not very high up the chain and do things properly. Because I have anxiety I just start to worry as it's something else I have to remember. I've found that as my anxiety has got worse over the years I retain less information! It's like my brain can only deal with so much and so it preserves itself.

I think I made the mistake this week of saying to myself that I felt I was doing better. Must have jinxed it ?.

I've also been feeling really lonely this week which doesn't help either. I don't really have any friends and the one I do is on holiday for two weeks. I only speak to her maybe once a week but I really miss her x

[rainbow 333]

Hi Emma

Sorry your going through a rough time. Yeh I get lonely at times even though 9 have 2 kids but they are 13 and 10 so they more or less wanna hang out with their friends

Mom I have a peer mentor who is going  to help me once I feel better at looking at a career change. This desk job isn't cutting it for me anymore. I enjoy being around people and helping them. So more of a caring profession where I could help people who have been through mental illness as well. 

Emma you can pm anytime  you feel Ionley or just need to vent.

 

[Emma245 28]

Thanks Rainbow. It sounds like you're doing the right stuff with work. Only to know what's best for you.

Im suffering with a bout of health anxiety which I've never had before like this which is a bit scary x