Acorn 0 Posted March 1, 2017 Hi, First time posting. Just joined. I'm now so irritated with myself and my constant fears that I specifically looked for an anxiety forum. Earlier this evening I concluded that I was either going to die very soon of a heart attack, OR, I was fast approaching mental illness. Neither is an attractive prospect. Objectively speaking, the likelihood is that neither is true. But the reality is that my thoughts tell me these are the only two possibilities for me. For about two weeks, I firmly believed I was soon going to have a stroke and die. I get a lot of headaches and have regular migraines and also lots of minor weird sensations in my brain/head - pressures, engulfing feelings, slight dizziness sometimes. After being tortured by these thoughts and losing sleep and becoming exhausted I gave myself a really good telling off. Somehow... that worked and my anxiety that I was about to die from a brain aneurysm or stroke faded and disappeared! I got one really good night's sleep and felt transformed and elated. It was bliss. (Is this how normal people live all the time? They close their eyes at night and actually, honest to God GO TO SLEEP peacefully and wake up eight hours later? Who does that? Who has this incredible skill?). But, very disappointingly, the next night I became convinced I was going to have a heart attack. I was gutted. Why do I think this? Well, because I get chest spasms in the heart area every day, several times per day and have done for years, but that night I got a bad spasm and then a lingering dull ache in my shoulder and collar bone afterwards. I read on the news today that cases of sudden death by heart attack are very frequently misdiagnosed (people sent home with paracetamol/told they're having a panic attack etc) and that women in particular are much more likely to be misdiagnosed than men. The case followed a woman who had a heart attack who was 49 and told to go home and take a paracetamol. That's only two years older than me. I DREAD switching the light out at night because as soon as I lie down on that bed and try to go to sleep, the hideous, terrifying thoughts of sudden death (my children left in agony with grief etc etc) come rushing into my head and PLAGUE me. Will I be cold to the touch when they find me? Will they cry over my dead body? These crazy thoughts are driving me crazy. I'm sick of it. I've had enough. I'm angry now. Logically, I know it's unlikely that I'm about to die of a heart attack (I eat healthily, exercise regularly, and there's no family history)... but logic has nothing to do with anxiety. The thoughts still come and torment me. I genuinely feel I might die tonight. Last night. Tomorrow night. It's horrible. I sometimes sit up in a panic and switch my phone on for some distraction. I sometimes frantically feel for a pulse because I think my heart has stopped. But I'm exhausted and want to sleep. Got to get the kids up for school in the morning. I'm getting worse as I get older, not better. I think about my death during the day. I want to write a will. I imagine how I will suffer and how my children will find me. I've taught them how to make a call on my mobile phone for that time when they'll need to dial 999 to report that I'm dying or dead. It's ridiculous and incredibly intrusive. I love life! I want to enjoy it... and most of all I want to sleep and be free of the terror of instant death by heart attack or stroke - I've done my time worrying about having cancer. That battle is temporarily won. I have no symptoms that my brain could twist and convince me that I have the disease. A mole has been removed. The trouble is, my worries about illnesses and dying aren't baseless. I've recently been diagnosed with Crest Syndrome. And as I already mentioned I have frequent headaches and migraines, pains, aches, chest spasms, and weird brain sensations. When I get ill I seem to suffer much worse than anyone else, for longer. A cold will be incredibly heavy and thick, and will last three weeks and end up in sinusitis or an upper respiratory tract infection. My IBS will cause a thrombosed hemorrhoid which will eventually cause perineal thrush. SIGH. I guess my question is, I've had enough of all this crushing anxiety (and of course I wish all my actual symptoms would go away!). I have a doctor's appointment two weeks from now. What should I say? Is there any medication for anxiety like this? How can hideous thoughts be controlled by medication? I'd rather just tell myself to SHUT UP - but it's impossible when you have physical symptoms (chest spasms). Because your worries are then not groundless. Should I take medication at all or is it just a slippery slope? What about side effects/addiction? What the hell are my chest spasms?! Ditto brain sensations? SIGH. Thanks for "listening." :*-( Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Ihadcancer 321 Posted March 2, 2017 HI Acorn and welcome. Wish you didn't need to be here. Wish I didn't need to be here! Wish there was no such thing as health anxiety. Mine began five years ago after a liver met 3 years after colon cancer. I had to look up CREST Syndrome. My Aunt who is 80 next month has scleroderma and has had for about 40 years. Well, medications, there are many. Doctor first put me on the usual meds like xanax. They'd work fine for a few hours and when they hit their 'half life', I would panic and be much worse than prior to taking the med. He tried a 2nd pill, same thing. My GP suggested Klonopin. It's used for seizures, migraines and panic attacks and has a very long half life. I've been taking it for 5 years and it works extremely well except for just before my twice a year cancer tests and then I tend to worry about little things. This time has been especially hard on me but I'm coming up on 5 years post having 80% of my liver removed and the very fact that I'm alive and healthy is a huge, major miracle. I think my worldly brain is expecting bad news the end of March. I've beaten all the odds. Back in 2009 I was told I had a 68% chance of being alive in 5 years, but three years later became Stage IVa Colon Cancer so those odds changed. I've really beaten my odds this time! Alive and well!!! I know Klonopin is not for everyone, but I've never had an increase in dosage and when it's not around test time, I sometimes to forget to take it except with my morning coffee and vitamins. Brain zaps can be anxiety or peri menopause as can any muscle spasm. Could your diagnosis with CREST Syndrome have caused the anxiety? There's a new classification of PTSD called Chronic Disease Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Again, Welcome and hope you can find an answer quickly! Diane Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Naynay 2 Posted March 2, 2017 Hello, I'm new here, former member of anxiety zone that has recently shut down. I totally understand where you are with the whole death topic. I go thru it every day of my life, ESPECIALLY heart attack phobias. It's caused havoc in my life and i can't seem to get rid of this one. I've been to the ER 3-4 times and a cardiologist twice over the past 6 months and have been deemed fine. I even avoid exercize now and stay in my bed alot more to avoid having a heart attack and dropping dead. It's a horrible feeling, but do know your not alone. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bin_tenn 1252 Posted March 2, 2017 2 hours ago, Naynay said: Hello, I'm new here, former member of anxiety zone that has recently shut down. I totally understand where you are with the whole death topic. I go thru it every day of my life, ESPECIALLY heart attack phobias. It's caused havoc in my life and i can't seem to get rid of this one. I've been to the ER 3-4 times and a cardiologist twice over the past 6 months and have been deemed fine. I even avoid exercize now and stay in my bed alot more to avoid having a heart attack and dropping dead. It's a horrible feeling, but do know your not alone. Naynaydevil? Avoiding exercise and staying in bed more will increase risk of heart attack. I'd definitely recommend exercise. It has helped me tremendously. I still don't do it every single day like I should, but I do generally get up and around and do more. It's made a difference. It takes more to get winded, and it takes more to get my heart rate up. I understand anxiety about death far more than I would like to. I used to battle intrusive thoughts very regularly. I still do from time to time, but it's gotten better. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Acorn 0 Posted March 3, 2017 Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your responses. Ihadcancer - how terrifying. But how wonderful you beat the odds! Thanks for the information about meds. I'm counting down the days until my doctor's appointment... although not holding out much hope of any solutions. Have you had any noticeable side effects from taking the Klonopin? My friend is on Citalopram and doesn't seem to have any side effects? She stopped it once, cold turkey, but then completely flipped out - s****de attempts, self harming, wild, uncontrollable emotions. Terrifying. This was obviously related to the sudden withdrawal of the drug. I'm almost as scared of taking drugs as I am of all the diseases and illness I imagine I've got! Pathetic! Thank you for bringing up the idea of the menopause. Yes, it could be that. I might not know when I go through it because I have the hormonal coil fitted and that can sometimes shield the wearer from the effects of menopause. It was fabulous to hear about your aunt who is 80! Scleroderma scares me too, of course, but it's wonderful to hear how well she's doing. Yes, the Crest diagnosis could have caused anxiety, but these days it seems like everything to do with health matters causes me anxiety. Perhaps it will become less so when my children are older and not so dependent? Who knows. Naynay - this morning I had a sudden aching, clenching pain on the left side of my chest right where my heart is. it was terrifying! I hurried over to my phone ready to make that emergency call to say I was having a heart attack... but didn't quite need to. My knees went weak, my heart was pounding and my palms went sweaty. Fear, fear, fear. The pain was preceded by a dull ache, but then went away, so I didn't make the call. But now I have that dull ache back again. it fades and disappears and then comes back. Weird. But I want to tell you that as soon as the pain calmed down, I rushed upstairs and change into my gym clothes. Exercise ALWAYS makes me feel better, and I know it's ESSENTIAL for a healthy heart. I try and do a brisk 30 minutes walk up an incline (on the gym treadmill) twice per week. I know it should be more often (3 or 4 times per week) but it's all I can manage at the moment. I would advise you, don't lie around in bed! That's much more likely to cause ill health than exercising. Your heart needs exercise to function well. bin_tenn - how have you managed to make the intrusive thoughts decrease? I am in the full grip of them at the moment. It's horrible The minute I open my eyes at 3:30am to get up and go to the loo: DEATH BY HEART ATTACK enters my mind. The very second I close my eyes to go to sleep at night HEART ATTACK STROKE KIDS DYING SUFFERING AND HORROR hits my mind. I hate it!! I don't want to think any of these things, but it's almost as if I have no control. I'm constantly standing over myself wagging a finger and telling myself not to be so damn stupid, trying to combat the blackness. The thing is... I'm essentially probably very healthy. I eat very well, exercise regularly, and don't have any stress (apart from the whole hypochondria thing). But because I have Crest syndrome and had a severe lack of essential food ingredients for the last 35 years (no omega 3 in my diet at all until I was 35!! No haeme iron either - because of being a vegetarian from birth) I have weird symptoms. I wonder whether my body has been damaged due to lack of proper nourishment. I have so many worries and issues to think about. And it's not as if I don't have symptoms! I'm not plucking my worries from thin air. If I didn't have regular, weird chest spasms and painful chest aches (that no-one else I know experiences) I wouldn't be worried about having a heart attack. If I didn't have those brain zaps and odd black-out sensations a couple of weeks ago I wouldn't have started worrying I had a brain tumour. My anxiety is based on physical symptoms - the main one that's causing me so much worry at the moment is this deep ache and then night time tremors/spams/thuds in my heart. Why can't they just go away and leave me alone? Without symptoms my health worries would go, but sadly, I know from experience that intrusive thoughts of death (to others, myself, the environment) would still come. SIGH. I think I need a two-pronged approach: medicine for the anxiety and to allow me to sleep (if I dare take it), and an investigation into my physical heart symptoms. Ten days until my doctor's appointment.... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted March 3, 2017 Hi Acorn. A warm welcome to AC. . If I told you that every symptom you describe is a symptom of anxiety, would you believe me? Your doctor will no doubt tell you the same. If you had all the diseases you imagine you have could you sit down and post such a clear and descriptive post? I doubt it. Health Anxiety is, well, in my opinion, one of the worse forms of anxiety because it is constantly with us. People who suffer panic have panic attacks and recover. Oh yes, they suffer in between attacks of course, but it's not the same imaginary symptoms that are constantly with a HA sufferer. Buddhists and others talk about 'dying daily'. In other words not living in tomorrow or yesterday but in the NOW!! Tomorrow is yet to come. It's an unknown quantity. We can have no idea of what will happen, and that's what makes the anxiety sufferer suffer so much. 'Awful anticipation'. If we try and live in the now, day by day, then what happens we can cope with because it's right in front of us. If we anticipate we are fighting wars that may never happen. The past is gone. There is nothing whatsoever we can do about it so leave it, but learn from it. All the questions you ask have many answers and they go round and round in your mind and worry you all the more. Whatever views you get will be opinions, including mine, and so will be subjective. We can only speak from our own experience of anxiety and it takes everyone in different ways. But it always has it's root in Fear caused by inner conflict. We are at war with ourselves! No fear no anxiety. We are afraid of how we feel, but how we feel is the result of how we think. Right? If your thoughts constantly revert to illness then you will go on believing you ARE ill. Let us know how it goes with the doctor. Believe me, you are not the first to feel that way you do. Have a good look round the site and see how others have coped. Good luck. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bin_tenn 1252 Posted March 3, 2017 Acorn, there is not a single tried and true method for eliminating/reducing the intrusive thoughts. At least not for me. It seems my intrusive thoughts were not a standalone problem. It was not about "how do I curb these intrusive thoughts?" Instead, the intrusive thoughts were a result (either directly or indirectly) of my anxiety in general. Does that make sense? The thoughts could not and did not exist on their own; they were driven by anxiety as a whole - particularly health anxiety. As I progressed in rewiring my brain to think rationally, the intrusive thoughts dwindled along with the rest of the anxious thought processes. I know it can be very difficult to accept that you are healthy when it feels so wrong, but acceptance is a major factor, I believe. It was for me, at least. I do hope you find your resolution soon. What works for one will not work for everyone else. The experience of anxiety, similar to life itself, is individualized in many ways. However, I do recommend that you follow others who have found peace, and begin employing the techniques they share. You will eventually find the individualized solution that works for YOU. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites