How do you recover from setback?

[Snowbunnyface 31]

Hi guys,

 About half an hour ago I wanted to go to the bank so after 3 hours of will I-will won't and tuning into my symptoms (my throat is tight!) I set off. I drive a stick and usually I love changing gears but I felt like it was a huge effort and that scared me.

My throat was still tight and causing a lightheaded panicked feeling I was trying not to buy into.I drove all the way to the bank (only a 10 minute drive) but couldn't bring myself to park the car and get out. So I kept driving to another bank. I couldn't get out there either. I became aware I was far from home (not really, only 10 minutes) and that I couldn't turn off anywhere, I had to keep going and it was making me feel panicky. I wanted to just turn my car around with no regard for traffic, it terrifies me. I ended up coming home feeling defeated and miserable. My confidence and hope of beating this has been shattered. I just can't press on when I feel that faint feeling. I started having visions of passing out at the wheel and get extremely frightened. My question is how do you feel better after a setback like that. I was there, at two banks, and could NOT park the car and get out  that rarely happens- once I am there I push on, but today I felt on the verge of something awful and felt unsafe.

Thanks for reading, any encouragement or similar stories of setback is greatly appreciated.

[jonathan123 2368]

Oh Snowbun, how awful for you. God, tell me about setbacks!!!. RIGHT, my stories won't help you a bit because you are a different person to me and will react differently. The first mistake is to give in to the feelings. I KNOW!!!!! It's alright for me saying that sitting here at home typing in safe surroundings, and in no way do I minimise your fears, but giving way to them is not going to help is it? But you know that.

 but couldn't bring myself to park the car and get out.

Why!! Because your fear of how you will feel. You are fearful of your own emotions and feelings which are ONLY EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS and can cause no physical harm. You WON'T faint. Very, very, rarely does an anxious person do that; in fact I have never heard of it. OK, so let's look at this and your reactions. For a start you didn't pass out at the wheel did you, you just THOUGHT you might. So the feeling you might brought more fear, more adrenaline, more tension.

 I wanted to just turn my car around with no regard for traffic, it terrifies me. I ended up coming home feeling defeated and miserable.

TERRIFIES!!!!! That's it you see. Look; caveman was terrified by being attacked by a wild animal. His instinct was to rush back to his cave, (home), He directly seeks safety because he is TERRIFIED!! Now once home he is able to relax so his fears subside. Have you noticed how animals, when they hear a car coming will dash across the road ignoring safety to get home? You have the same instinct. In the car park it's not safe.  Wild animals lurk in the form of your fears. By getting out of the car you expose yourself to those wild animals, the thoughts that plague you, so you stay where it's safe. The primitive part, the instinctual part of the brain, takes over and the reasoning part, the modern part is diminished by fear.

There is only one way this can be overcome, Sunnybun, and that's TO DO IT. Go back to the bank, when you have settled, GET OUT OF THE CAR AND GO IN NO MATTER HOW YOU FEEL. I'm sorry, but facing and accepting is the only way. It may upset you to hear that but in your heart you know it's true. 'FLOAT' into the bank and FLOAT out.

You HAVE NOT failed. There is no such thing as failure in anxiety because we can try again and again and again. ACCEPTANCE is the only way. If you go back to the bank and fail again and again eventually it will happen. Tell me, what's the big difference between the Snowbun who was able to get out of her car when she got home and the one in the back car park? One was full of fear, the other was relieved to get home. But it was the SAME Snowbun, wasn't it? Now all this is tiring. Of course it is because you are using so much nervous energy, so pace yourself. When you get to the bank again, and you will won't you, take deep relaxing breaths before you get out of the car and FLOAT into the bank. Read Dr. Weekes's on this. You CAN overcome but you but you need to persevere. My goodness, don't I know it.

Write in big letters on a card ACCEPT, FLOAT FLOAT'. Keep it with you as you go and look at it when you feel like rushing out.

Good luck, but never, never give in to 'IT'.

[Snowbunnyface 31]

Amazing post, thank you so much Jonathon! 

I know all about giving advice in safe surroundings  gosh even at night I feel like I could go anywhere! The harsh morning light brings a different story. You're totally right, giving way to them hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've been bluffed a million times by feelings of no medical significance and it was OK 6 years ago, but 6 years later when does it end? 

 

You pointed out something remarkable that helped me a lot. My word choice even indicates terror whereas in the moment I think I'm not scared so this can't be anxiety! I see now thanks to your eye opening explanation that it is and the dog example gives me relief that wanting to run home with no regard for safety is not a psychotic episode. 

 

And in a way, the people out there can be wild animals especially when I was already having a paranoid everyone's looking at me and judging me day, and i went out "alert." When I am not having one of those days, nobody's looking. I'm in a rational state of mind. I'll be stopped at traffic lights and make eye contact with the driver of another car and think they know I'm panicking and are mocking me. Most people's neutral face nowadays though is one of annoyance- lol. Doesn't mean it's directed at me. 

But that happened yesterday and I felt triggered after it then I tuned into my tight throat and that caused that panicky all energy leaving the body sensation. 

You've helped so much, now I can go out saying ok there are wild animals, according to the anxiety. There isn't, but only by going forward will the body ever know that. It doesn't know the difference now. 

Today's a new day. i have 4 of Claire's books and I spent yesterday reading one and between that and your post I am ready to get back on the horse. Thanks!!!

 

 

 

 

[jonathan123 2368]

So glad I could help. It's all a question of practise. If we keep at challenging the thoughts for long enough it replaces the anxious thoughts we have. Like learning to play an instrument. It takes time but eventually we can play music with no problem because, through practise, we know we can do it. But you would still get the jitters when you go on stage. This is normal anxiety as opposed to the sort we have. Theirs passes, ours hangs around. Doesn't it just..

This idea that everyone is looking at us and deciding we are basket cases is common in anxiety, when in fact people are far too absorbed in their own affairs to worry about how we look. This stems from exaggerated self awareness. Concentrating on 'self' and to the exclusion of what's going on outside. The old expression comes to mind. 'To be taken out of ourselves'. We need to do that. To do things that we like doing, that give us pleasure, even if in only a small way at first. I know it's difficult to concentrate but, once again, practise does make perfect.  

Most people's neutral face nowadays though is one of annoyance- lol. Doesn't mean it's directed at me. 

I asked my doctor recently if he thought anxiety was on the increase. He said emphatically yes. More and more come with that problem. Is it any wonder? We have had traffic jams here going back several miles because of accidents or roadworks. Sitting in a car for over an hour surely is not conducive to peace of mind that's for sure! The only people who benefit from all this is the pharmaceutical companies.

[Snowbunnyface 31]

 

2 hours ago, jonathan123 said:

Theirs passes, ours hangs around. Doesn't it just.

Man I was thinking just that today sitting in the doctor office. We need to get our nervous system back to that. Fearful only of nerve wracking situations where fight or flight symptoms make sense and have it go away when the stressful thing is over. Our bodies are like a tap that doesn't stop, it just keeps dripping. And I think its helpful to think of it that way, it just missed its cue to stop! But that's all. Because most of my anxiety is adding extra tension second guessing the same symptoms I've been bluffed by a million times and thinking "I SHOULDN'T be anxious right now! So it can't be anxiety!" instead of accepting it doesn't take much anymore to trigger my nervous system.

 

It's funny: they said my doctor was running late on her appointments today and would be a long wait. Well immediately I felt anxious. But because I am at the doctor I could turn it off because the doctor surgery is one of my "safe zones!" I stayed obviously and waited an hour and witnessed the anxiety going all the way down to nil. Had I been in the bank, I would've left. I've realised its key to sit through the symptoms to come to the realisation that nothing is going to come of them. 

My biggest successes certainly came from feeling absolutely awful and scared, but unable to run away and having to use breathing techniques and changing my thoughts instead. That's the hard stuff and that's the only cure. 

I'm not surprised traffic is causing anxiety, I HATE being stopped at red lights on one of my days. I've had so many of those panic "flashes" at red lights. No surprise- it's another trapped feeling. Can't exactly get out of the car!

 

[jonathan123 2368]

Yeah for sure. I found traffic lights the worse triggers. If I saw a queue at a red light it would be a real trigger. I would sit and rev up waiting for the off,  like driver on the grid at Le Mans I would rush away as soon as it was green and very often over when it was amber. How I never finished up being fined I will never know. But why for goodness sake? Looking back there was nothing gained and a lot lost in the way of energy. But there you go. Hindsight is easy but at the time not so.

And here's a better and true one. I sat in a car park eating a sandwich and read in a newspaper about a guy who had a heart attack in a car park. I rushed out of that park as fast as I could.. Now explain the logic in that!! No? Neither could I then. Anxiety takes us all in different ways. We sure are a funny old lot! No wonder we get misunderstood!!

[lonesailor14 653]

You've had some great advice there Snowbunny! 

I was at my most anxious when behind the wheel. I've overcome it now. Well, sometimes I still get a little anxious. But mostly I enjoy driving. 

Much of the problem was I felt I shouldn't feel this way. I would fight it and try to make it go away. This makes it worse! But eventually I learned to accept. I thought "I shouldn't feel this way, but I do, so that's that. Let it be". I accepted it. 

I understood I felt like I would pass out or be trapped panicking at the lights or in the middle of nowhere. But none of that had ever happened. Lights eventually turn green. I had always made it home, even if I had to pull over and take a breath. I had a 100% percent safe return record. I'd always gone out and made it home safely. These were the facts, the thoughts and feelings were fiction. The thoughts and feelings are what made me want to turn and run but logic kept me going. The "run away" feeling was there sure. But I accepted it as part of the fight or flight reaction which I had switched on with my doubting, fearful thoughts.

I worked on these doubting, fearful thoughts at home and behind the wheel. Eventually I taught myself to think in a more positive way. If an anxiety provoking thought slipped through, I'd become anxious but I was ok with it. I accepted that I was ok, just a little anxious because I missed that thought a few thought dialogues back and now I've turned on fight or flight. Like you in the doctors office, without more anxious thoughts, it eventually settles down. 

Like Jonathan says, learning to do this is like learning an instrument. Eventually, with practice, you become better and better at it. 

When I felt I had mastered acceptance and not thinking in a negative way, I hit the road. I had to prove to myself that I could do it. So I headed off in my car and drove west out of town. Anxiety crept in, I knew it would. I accepted it but knew I was ok. My thoughts said "turn around" and my body screamed for it to be listened to but I pushed on. I kept driving. Observing the whole time my body and mind reacting to this anxiety provoking situation. You see, I'd been scared to do this for so long that it's no wonder anxiety set in. On and on I went. I was still anxious but this time I knew why, I knew I wasn't sick or crazy, I knew I'd make it home again, I knew the series of reactions I'd set in motion inside my mind and body. I kept driving. I kept driving until I felt the anxiety leave. I kept driving until I was sure I felt "normal". Then I turned around, satisfied I had retaught myself that driving isn't scary. I had retaught myself that I could do this. I had successfully accepted anxiety, therefore switching it off, eventually. I had taught myself that I could do that in any situation, anytime and anywhere. It would have to be the moment of my life I'm most proud of. But I'm the only one that was there, feeling what I felt! I felt like a rockstar when I turned around and for the first time in years was relaxed, with the stereo on, just driving. Something people take for granted everyday haha. 

Anyway I'm rambling on. I just wanted to say I've been where you are. Don't give up hope! You'll get there too. It might not be today, tomorrow or next month but you will. Just give yourself time to learn the instrument. Jonathan is a great instructor! AC helps an awful lot too! 

That drive I did was a few years ago now. I've come to realise that I haven't "mastered" acceptance. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I still get myself wound up and anxious. These days it's not very often. But if I find myself falling into the trap, I don't become as alarmed. I know the answer is in there somewhere and with time I'll find it and settle down again. I ride the wave until then. It's just a feeling.