Pray4me 7 Posted October 9, 2015 Hi all! I am so frustrated with this illness. I have been doing/trying everything and it just seems as if I take 2 steps forwards and 5 steps back. I just need your support, and hearing from others who are going through this or that can relate will truly help. Today has been so emotional for me, and I am so tired of living like this. Here's my back story:History:I had an amazing childhood! Was a typical kid, played sports, ran track from middle school all the way through college. I've traveled all over, vacationed, had lots of fun, made great friends and lived a pretty normal life.2013:I still worked out but my food intake was pretty bad lol. I was married in 2011 and had a baby 2012. I had an awesome job and life was good. Around 2013, I noticed when I was driving my grandmother home at night on the freeway, I felt this intense "outer body experience" (unbeknownst to me as panic/anxiety). I was about to pull over but I didn't want to freak her out so I just fought through it, and wrote it off as some sort of gas fumes coming from the cars into my vents. This happened many once or twice more while driving at night on the freeway, but I just ignored it.2014My life started to change a bit, my job became extremely demanding, my marriage was crumbling because we were neglecting each other. 2 hour commutes each way, hustling to get to daycare, and scramble to make dinner, all to do it again for 5 days. Weekends were made to get laundry, groceries, and clean up our home as I also work a part time job Saturdays. There was no more time for me, I was always on the go!Feb 2015:This is when disaster strikes. My son was ill for a few days, so as mom, I didn't sleep. My husband and I decided to call out of work as we did not sleep. I decided to go to the gym. I started working out and noticed heart palpitations, but ignored it. Then all of a sudden I had the outer body experience again. I kind of brushed it off but had it in the back of my head. 3 days later, I taught my dance class after work, and 30 minutes later i grabbed my head and had a real intense "out body experience" . I thought I was about to die in front of the class. My heart was pounding, and my thoughts were racing "something bad is happening to me" and I didn't know how to go about things. As I drove home, I began to freak out on the freeway. I didn't know whether I should have pulled over or scream at the top of my lungs, I just felt like I was going bat Shyt crazy and I didn't know why. I thought maybe my workouts are too intense and I need to slow down. It seem to be the most logical answer since thats when these episodes started to occur most frequently.The next day, i was talking about it with my mother then BAM! It started to hit me again. The outer body experience! "oh Shyt mom its happening" I hung up on her so fast and try to calm myself. However the irrational thoughts started pouring in "what's happening to me?" "Do I have a heart issues?" The more I thought, the more my heart pounded, my palms became sweaty. I sat down and thought just calm down...but the more I tried to talk to morsel, it just seem like I was pouring gasoline on a fire! I felt like I had the Panic Demon sitting on my shoulder saying "guys she's not down yet, she's a fighter...lets crank it up a notch". They started to coming in like a Tsunami! My chest started to tighten up, I could breath, and my legs and hands went numb. I collapse in my husbands arms while my 3 year old son was eating dinner. At this point I knew I was dying. I told my husband to call 911 and I can't believe I'm going to die in front of my family. I was rushed to the hospital to only be told I was stressed. Stressed...really??? No way, this is bull shyt. In my mind, I was healthy and I worked out to relieve stress, and this couldn't possibly the cause of this non sense. I followed up with my primary care doctor who told me I had just had a Panic attack and I have anxiety. I heard nothing else after that, as she tried to explain what happened. Everything else sounded like Charlie Brown. I couldn't believe she was prescribing Xanax (which made me feel depressed by the way). After this, my life has never been the same, and a can of worms was now opened.April 2015I took off work for a bout month and a half. I was devistated and crushed. I just felt like something terrible happened to me and everyone was brushing it off because I was young (32yrs old). When I went back to work, I could no longer sit in traffic, ride the metro, take the bus or cross the street without having a panic attack. I was miserable!!! I had people wondering and asking me why I was out so long, and I was so embarrassed to tell them because Im having panic attacks and I don't know why. I could no longer keep it up. The more I went to work, the worse my symptoms became. So I then made the hardest decision in my life, and that was to resign from my dream job (which was a blessing). As soon as I resigned my symptoms started to subside within DAYS! I WAS happy again! I was able to drive on the freeway and teach my dance class again. Life was great! So I thought. I gave up my dance class as I didn't want to add additional stress. However, it seem like once I stopped working out, my symptoms started to slowly creep back. July 2015 I had another MAJOR panic attack while driving on a dark road with no lights. I thought my life was over! I couldn't see, hear, or comprehend anything. I felt as if I had just taken 4 shots of patron, and mixed it with Jamerson. "This can't be normal! This has to be some type of brain disease!"CurrentlyI eat EXTREMELY CLEAN. Almost raw. I still eat meat and I take magnesium at night. I have problems sleeping, and when I do sleep its not quality sleep. The only thing I drink is water. I do not spoke and I don't drink. I pray every morning and show gratitude before I open my eyes. I mediate and stretch before I do leave my bedroom. I speak positive affirmations daily and try to live in the moment. I try to stay optimistic even on the days I struggle with. I have migraines 2 times a month. My skin is extremely dry and now I starting to have stomach issues. I was told I may have an ulcer, and the GT wants to do and endoscopy. I really do not want to do that as I have never been put to sleep. My left arm is constantly numb. I've seen a cardiologist, neurologist, a wellness Doctors, and I had CT scans, etc. Everything is clear. I am slightly anemic but I have been that way all of my life. Today Was emotional for me. I just broke down. I feel like I walk around wearing a big "S" on my chest and try to stay strong, but today I failed. My son wanted to go to the park, but as we walked my Panic/Anxiety started to flare up. I tried to fight it but I couldn't, I tried to breath the way I do when I mediate, to no avail. I didn't want something to happen to me and he was left by himself, so I turned around. That was hard for me to swallow. He shouldn't have to suffer because of his mother. For that reason my entire system shut down. I just feel like this in no way to live life. I am so tired of taking 3 steps forward to be knocked back down. I love nature, I love walking, working out. I find it hard to just take a walk because my body starts prepping for another Panic attack. I feel like I am trapped in someone's body and I want out. I notice when I don't sleep well or eat enough, my aniexy/panic is heighten. I haven't had quality sleep since January 2015. I get tired of staying up to 2/3 am just to pass out to go to sleep. I have the greatest support system in the world. I just feel like I am a burden on my family at times. I just want to feel normal again. I apologize for the novel and Typos. I didn't re-read this post because I started to get a migraine typing this. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I pray I wake up tomorrow with a better start. I just don't know what else to do. If you read this entire post. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Even if you don't respond, please just pray for me Positive vibes sent you all. Peace and blessings to each and every one of you! 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
walkingwithGod 169 Posted October 9, 2015 Wow, i am sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. Its a cycle that has to be broken. Fear - anxiety - more fear - more anxiety. You will overcome this, just takes time. Have you discussed with your doctor about a med you can take to help you for right now? Your body and mind seems to be in a constant state of fear which starts the cycle.. just remember, anxiety and panic cant hurt us. You have been checked out and had tests and all is ok so nothing is going to happen, your mind just thinks it is. Feel free to send me a private message if you would like to chat..im here for you! Its going to be ok, i promise there is light and hope in the midst of all this darkness!!Wendi 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pray4me 7 Posted October 9, 2015 Thank you so much Wendi! They prescribed me Xanax, but I don't like how I feel the following day. I feel depressed and my heart gets heavy as if Im mourning a death but no one died. Hence why I stopped taking them. Thank you so much for the encouragement. I will hang onto your words "Light and Hope" (((hugs))) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
walkingwithGod 169 Posted October 9, 2015 I am glad I could offer you some words of encouragement. Anxiety is very frustrating, believe me I know. I have dealt with it on and off for a long time and this is the worst I have ever had to deal with it before. It does get better, just takes time. It's all about renewing our minds, think of it as like a reset of the mind.. anyway, I am here to chat anytime 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kylie21 357 Posted October 9, 2015 You are so not alone . It's pure hell when ur in the anxiety cycle . I too don't sleep well which makes it worse . Have u tried anything to help u sleep . My dr recommended melatonin so I am going to give it a try. I too hate the meds I'm on .5 of Ativan . I would avoid it and struggle because I hated how I felt on it . But today I was desperate my body wouldn't calm smd when I welcomed the calm instead of feared hoe it makes me feel it made it easier to handle . I also started taking lexapro has a dr talked to u about meds ? Was. A hard choice for me but I wanted to feel better so bad . My son had to sit with me while it took it for the first time today . I'm so happy you have a great support system that is so important . Therapy? It really helps , I find journaling helps too . For months I've felt like I'll never get out and I've done it before l don't lose that hope it will get better . 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pray4me 7 Posted October 10, 2015 Thanks Kylie! Yes I tried melatonin, and it really didn't do anything for me. Magnesium usually knocks me out but then I wake up after 2/3 hours and never go back to sleep. You're right journaling does help. I find when I don't eat much either, my anxiety goes nuts. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Its just really nice to talk to people who are going through the same thing and I am not alone. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Kylie21 357 Posted October 10, 2015 You aren't and I promise you it gets better ! I've been as bad as I am now before snd always thought it wouldn't get better but it didn't 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bones0013 43 Posted October 10, 2015 Hi Pray, my heart truly goes out to you. I read every ones post all the time but don't reply much because I don't want to say the wrong thing or make them feel worse. Honestly, I've never met anyone or talked to any one that experiences depression, anxiety or panic in the way that I do. But you have come very close to what I experience. I'm so proud of the people here that overcome there problems or at least it comes and goes for them. Unfortunately, I am not one of those people. I live with it daily and have for many many years. I will pray for you to pull through this and have a happy life again. Its wonderful that you have a good support system. That is so important. That is one thing that I lack. I have know one that understands me except for my therapist. She is the only one I get to talk to and I always leave her feeling more positive about my life. I will keep you in my prayers. Without him I would not make it through! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
JungleJulia 235 Posted October 10, 2015 Hi Pray, Your experience was incredibly similar to mine. I had a perfectly happy childhood, and lived a fairly normal life until I was 28. I started to get those "episodes" while driving to work in the mornings. I felt like my head was spaced out and i'd pull over and try to breathe. This happened occasionally over a few months. Eventually I had a huge panic attack at work one day, though I didn't know what it was. I was taken to the emergency room as I thought I was dying. I just felt so unwell and thought I couldn't breathe. When they told me it was anxiety and to just see my doctor, I was shocked. I couldn't believe that such terrible feelings could just be in my mind. It took me months to accept the diagnosis. It was a rollercoaster ride of trying different ways to learn to manage the panic. I became pretty much housebound because i'd panic everywhere I went I became scared to go anywhere. I didn't understand what i'd done to deserve such a terrible fate. It sounds like you were blindsided in the same way as me, seemingly living a normal life and then knocked down by a powerful frightening mental illness I am in a better place now than I was then. I'm still not working though. But I am happier. My advice would be to try to focus on the things that truly make you happy. Really simple things, without much pressure. Try to have things to look forward to. Don't try to go back to being your "old self", instead, try to create a new self. Your old self was probably burying small things that stressed you, you probably didn't even notice it. But your new self should consider only doing the things which make you feel good. In my case, I read a lot of books, took up a philosophy course at university, did more cooking, spent years researching my family tree. I also reexamined all my social connections, I now surround myself only with the people that I find positive and supportive. Its a time to focus on yourself, your own life and interests. Reflect on what you want, and feel free to remove the things from your life that don't contribute to your wellbeing.Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. Feel free to message me on here anytime you need to talk xx 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
walkingwithGod 169 Posted October 10, 2015 When i had my first panic attack, it was out of nowhere.. it kept me confined to the house, i couldnt even drive my daughter a mile down the street to school, i couldnt be alone in the house without another license driver, i couldnt sleep for more than 30 min at a time and couldnt eat anything.i couldnt talk much because everytime I did all i could do was cry. It seemed like all i could do is pace around or sit in a chair and rock back and forth..i say that to say this:It does and will get better. It took me some time, several doctor and ER visits, lots of tests but i finally got my life back. Im not saying i havent had a few what i call set backs. . There have been a few times where the panic and anxiety would take over my rational thinking and my first thought was that i was dying and go to the ER.. i look back on those times now and think wow, i thought i was dying but i was gonna drive myself to the ER.. thats interesting. Anyway once i learned to accept that the tests i had were all normal and that I wasnt dying, i didnt have heart disease or blood clots and such and i stopped searching for a physical ailment to attach to what i was feeling, i began to get better each day. I still have chest pains, i still get the tingly sensations through out my body at times, pounding heart, heart palps, feeling like i cant focus and all of that sometimes but now i pray. I love the statement: when your too weak to stand, kneel. People have different beliefs and different faiths and such but i put my faith in God. I talk to Him like He is a friend sitting right next to me while we are having coffee. I remind Him of His promises to us in the bible and i thank Him for everything. I tell Him i want to learn something from all that i have gone through and ask Him to use me for His good to help others. I know i wouldnt have made it through this or anything else in my life without Him (u can read my blog, it explains more) I pray for everyone in this site everyday. The ones i talk to alot and the ones i dont. I always pray for everyones peace and i thank Him for not giving us the spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind (2 timothy) This will get better. Dont rush it,just accept it for what it is and let it come because it if it comes, then it will go. Try not to focus on it because the intense focus we give it at times will cause it to linger longer. You will get through this, you will overcome and live life full of joy again I hope this didn't offend anyone, i just speak from my heart.Wendi 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow 333 Posted October 10, 2015 hi there. so sorry your going through this anxiety does suck doesn't it... i took off work too when i my daughter was 2 years old.. for 2 weeks... i had to get Zolfot back into my system because i had weaned myself off when i was pregnant...trust me those few weeks were hell... i too thought i was a failure, failed her, failed the hubby and especially failed myself.... but sometimes you can't do these things are on your own. you need the help.... SO DON'T EVER THING YOUR A FAILURE !!! i have been off and on the Zoloft for 20 years, for me losing my mother at the age of 16 set my anxiety... off..... so at least i know what triggered it... right now i am on it but a low dose.... when i read how fit you are and how you watch your food and yet your still struggling like this... someone on this site told me its inner issues that you may be struggling with... so in hindsight all these things excersise, food, etc can help. but you got tackle the real issues that brought on this anxiety too, and like the others said journaling, talking to a therapist and even others who have gone through this can help. and i know STRESS seems to be a big culprit when it comes to anxiety, cause the times when all is calm i feel better about myself and than when one of my kids get sick or work is getting too stressful or other stuff than boom the anxiety is back. i guess we just need to use all the tools we are given here on the site and from our doctor's/ therapist to help us get through this. and you can see from the other posts here you are not alone, they are other wonderful people here going through the same thing take care and welcome ...you will be okay we all have good days and bad days... I TRY TO LIVE THE MOTTO ONE DAY AT AT TIME.. it can be hard to follow, but today is really all we have right ?? 4 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pray4me 7 Posted October 13, 2015 Thank you all so much!!! It soooo nice to know you all can relate and I am not going crazy. Thank for the support, and just sharing your experiences. This gives me hope that other people are praying, and encouraging me to keep hanging in there. I seem to stress over EVERY little thing now. I never use to be that way. I will say that mediation has definitely helped! I don't get the adrenaline rush in my stomach as often as I use to while driving. Bless you all! 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jenniferhop 17 Posted October 28, 2015 Hi Pray,i know this post was a couple weeks ago and wanted to check in to see how you are doing? And to let you know your are in my prayers 3 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Pray4me 7 Posted October 31, 2015 Thanks Jennifer. I am doing okay. I am up and down. Few weeks I am good, then around my cycle, I am right back to square 1. I am still managing at this point. Thank you for reaching out and checking in! Also thank you so much for your prayers. They are ALWAYS welcomed!! 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LADA 44 Posted February 16, 2016 Hello Pray4me. I have read your post along with everyone else's. And I am just wondering how you are doing with everything? I pray all is well with you. Far better than it was when you wrote this post ☺ I am also hoping and praying the same for everyone else. You have been through it as we all have. Reading your post this early am because I am up and cannot seem to sleep. laying here in my hotel room trying to keep from falling apart and while trying to find some reassurance on AC I came across your very raw post. Thank you for sharing and helping me get through. Your post along with everyone else's I read, Tells my anxiety that it is just that, ANXIETY and nothing more. Sorry you had to go through all of this. And again. I PRAY you are doing much better. Many blessings to you. Thank you for sharing ☺ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites