Feeling Overwhelmed

[purplemac 0]

So I don't know if I'm in the right place, but for close to a month I've been researching anxiety and paranoia and just trying to put a name to the feelings I have on a daily basis. So now that is all bulky up in my head, and I can't dump this stuff on my girlfriend AGAIN (she has much more severe anxiety issues) I'm coming to you, and hopefully you can give me the figurative part on the back and tell me it'll all be okay.

To start off, in 2007-2008 I participated in a residential treatment program for teens. A few days after I turned 18, I was expected to give a presentation to my mother and my psychiatrist. It was something everyone had to do to move on through the program, so I knew it was coming. I was prepared. Sitting in the office, my doctor asked a question about why I had worded something a certain way, and I totally crashed. Freaked out. Completely. When I recovered, after many assurances that I was okay and that I hadn't done anything wrong, my doctor said she felt I should go on anxiety medication. I have always been averse to pills, but I honestly thought about it, considered how they could improve my life and felt that I just didn't have these attacks often enough to justify taking medication every day. I just didn't want to. I felt the feelings, and recovered. I didn't (and still don't) want to be taking medication daily. **This is a personal thing for me, I would never judge anyone who felt they need medication to help with a condition.**

So that was my first brush with thinking that hey, it's possible that you may have a problem with this, so pay attention to how you're feeling and don't let it happen again.

So now I'm here, years later and the anxiety and pressure of life is starting to affect me again. I feel the most significant reason is that my support system is falling apart. My mom passed suddenly in June 2014, my step-dad is in the hospital recovering from one spine operation and waiting for another, and my bio-dad is---- I don't even know how to describe it. He had a heart attack a couple years ago, and at that time they also found a form of leukemia. My little brother is out of country on deployment, my oldest brother isn't speaking to me (that one it's entirely my fault, but still). I'm engaged to an amazing woman, and she helps a lot, but I have to be careful how I present my feelings to her. If I cry, she cries, and I can't stand seeing that.

Work is slow right now so I'm not making much money, a fraction of what my fiancee is making. I'm trying to move my Step Father in with us (which were all actually pretty excited about), but we can't do that until we have the inheritance from Mom's estate, which we can't do until Little Brother gets home (5months to go!!). I have legal issues in the state where I was raised so I can't just go and handle, I'm dealing with lawyers over the phone.

And on top of everything I can't seem to motivate myself to clean our room, do the dishes, wash clothes on time, so I'm sitting here knowing I need to be doing these things and feeling awful because I choose not to do them.

And through everything, I can't stop thinking about how much I want to talk to my mom so she can tell me it'll be okay.

So, while I know things will get better, and that I will get better, I guess I just needed to write out Everything and put it somewhere that someone would see it and maybe understand this overwhelming feeling. So yes. I'm sorry it's so long.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi perplemac. Welcome to AC. .

So sorry to hear how you are suffering but it may surprise you to know that what you have said has been said many times here so you are far from alone. Researching anxiety may help as understanding and knowledge are key helpers, but I question your use of the word 'paranoia'. This word is bandied about by those who have no knowledge of what it means and I suggest from the way you write and the general abilty you have to reason, that you are far away from paranoia. Concentrate on relieving your the anxiety and forget the paranoia.

The traumas in your life have no doubt resulted in your anxiety. Most anxiety sufferers are sensitive people and are more prone to outside influences than so called 'normal' people. You are a thinker aren't you? I am too. Now in itself that is no bad thing normally, but when in an anxiety state it does not help one bit. Your partner understands because she suffers herself. Only those who have been there really know.

Stop worrying because you are worrying! I am not trying to diminish your feelings; I know only too well how you feel. But sitting thinking whether you should do something is self defeating. Do as much as you can manage, but DO it. By paying attention to your problem you consolidate it so that you are always looking for a way out; not a good idea. Can I suggest  you look at the posts under 'Recent Articles'. especially those by 'lonesailor'. You will find that she suggests doing absolutely nothing, as I do. Now this sounds daft on the face of it but think about it. Has trying to get rid of 'IT' helped? By letting go, giving up trying to control you gain control. A paradox? Yes, but almost everything in anxiety is that. Your natural instinct is to fight your way out and we have to go against our natural instincts.

Talk to your mom. Whether she is here or not doesn't matter. You know things will get better and they will. We all walk through 'The Valley of the Shadow' in anxiety, but the valley has an ending, it is a case of perseverance.   Best wishes.    Jon.