Forced to travel, and the knowledge is eating me alive

[HDBobbers 55]

I just found out two days ago that i'm going to be required to travel to Japan for two weeks where I would then be required to tour the country and visit multiple manufacturing facilities.  This would be both a requirement of the company i work for, as well as for the MS course load that i will be undertaking (counts for 3 credit hours).

 

... i've been on the verge of throwing up since i found out.  Numb hands/feet, heart is pounding, cold sweat, feeling separated from myself... i keep rushing to the restroom because i can't get rid of the nausea and the feeling that i need to relieve myself.

 

I don't know how i'm going to deal with this.  I can't get on a plane or even THINK about flying without making myself sick.  The thoughts of having to fly halfway across the world and be thrown into a situation where i have no comfort zone and no avenue of escape is eating me alive.  I haven't eaten or slept since i found out.  I can't force down food or even water, and i just stare at the ceiling exhausted with my mind churning away.  I have zero focus while here at work.

 

I'm at the point where if this is a requirement for getting my MS degree as it associates to my job, then I'm just going to quit. 

 

With this, my already existing issues with panic, and my depression, i'm really having trouble dealing with anything.  I walk around practically on the verge of tears all the time, and each day is just a measurement of how awful i feel and if i will be able to grit my teeth and bear it or just run and hide.

 

I have no idea why i choose to keep living if i can't enjoy or LIVE my life.

[JOYCICLE 654]

Hi HD, I'm sorry . That is a tough one. Are you on medications already?  If not, could you see about getting on some for this trip , at least the flying part of it?  I don't take meds but when I flew 10 yrs ago I took a half a klonopin and my flight was fine. Just food for thought. But I do know this for a fact...... the anticipation is always worse than the actual event !!!!!!!  

[HDBobbers 55]

I'm not on any medication currently.  Right now i'm in a "dead zone" where i can't continue to find help in the way of a therapist/etc until the middle of June due to a study that i undertook for breathing re-education (canary breather).  The study terminated at the beginning of April and they needed an 8 week non-help break to see how i am progressing so i can have an exit interview.

 

Long story short, the breather didn't do anything for me, so i'm stuck until June.

 

I'm one of these people where i can do things on my own just fine.  Go to the movies, go to the beach, go to a bike/car show... whatever.  I go out all the time... just by myself.  The moment i'm thrown in with people that i know or need to interact with, i fall apart.  That includes people that i should be comfortable with, like my family.  Even my family makes me uncomfortable to the point where i rarely see them anymore.

 

I've taken klonopin in the past as a take-as-needed, though i found that it didnt have any affect on me.  Neither does xanax, which is a little disturbing.  I had previously also taken Paxil (almost killed myself... never trying it again), Ativan, Lorazepam, and a couple others i can't remember off the top of my head.  They didn't relieve enough of my issues to be worth my while, especially Paxil.  That's why i tried to go with the non-med route... which isnt working either.

[JOYCICLE 654]

I'm not on any medication currently.  Right now i'm in a "dead zone" where i can't continue to find help in the way of a therapist/etc until the middle of June due to a study that i undertook for breathing re-education (canary breather).  The study terminated at the beginning of April and they needed an 8 week non-help break to see how i am progressing so i can have an exit interview.

 

Long story short, the breather didn't do anything for me, so i'm stuck until June.

 

I'm one of these people where i can do things on my own just fine.  Go to the movies, go to the beach, go to a bike/car show... whatever.  I go out all the time... just by myself.  The moment i'm thrown in with people that i know or need to interact with, i fall apart.  That includes people that i should be comfortable with, like my family.  Even my family makes me uncomfortable to the point where i rarely see them anymore.

 

I've taken klonopin in the past as a take-as-needed, though i found that it didnt have any affect on me.  Neither does xanax, which is a little disturbing.  I had previously also taken Paxil (almost killed myself... never trying it again), Ativan, Lorazepam, and a couple others i can't remember off the top of my head.  They didn't relieve enough of my issues to be worth my while, especially Paxil.  That's why i tried to go with the non-med route... which isnt working either.

This is totally common and me, as well. Don't be down on yourself.  It's the close one on one contact that I dislike. I'd rather be in a store full of strangers than sit with my own family face to face and talk for 5 minutes. I get itchy, twitchy, sweaty, licking my lips, constantly wanting to play with my hair, put on chapstick, smoke another cigarette, check my phone..... you get the idea.  You're not alone, friend. I promise you that .  Have you heard of a psyche called Dr. Emmitt Miller ** ?  He has a downloadable lecture that a friend from this forum shared with me. She made  me a copy of cd and mailed it to me. it has helped me immensely !!!!!! So much good info on it.  Also, let me find you a link that may help. 

[JOYCICLE 654]

Abolishing Anxiety ^^^ is the name of his program. I think it's like 15 bucks to download.

[JOYCICLE 654]

Ok, first off pardon my kooky comments. I was clearly under a load the day I wrote this thread ,,, haha !  

 

But the videos in it are A M A Z I N G !!!!!!!!  They really are hugely helpful.  

 

[Bones0013 43]

Hey HB, I can't imagine in my wildest dreams someone telling me I had to fly to Japan! I'm so sorry what you aregoing through. I feel your pain. I couldn't fly an hour away much less out of the country. I don't socialize either. I don't go out much at all but if I do it is alone. I like to be alone because I know I can leave at anytime, no questions asked! Hope you get this worked out. I will be thinking of you!

[HDBobbers 55]

Ok, first off pardon my kooky comments. I was clearly under a load the day I wrote this thread ,,, haha !  

 

But the videos in it are A M A Z I N G !!!!!!!!  They really are hugely helpful.

 

 

I've seen these videos, thank you... and the therapist that i was seeing for the breather study told me alot of the same things.  None of it helps me though.  My panic is feeding my ibs symptoms and my ibs is feeding my panic symptoms to the point where i'm either throwing up, or i'm in the restroom feeling like i have to take a dump.  The defecation feeling is almost constant now and it affects my stomach in the form of nausea.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi HD. Have you approached your employers and talked about this?  The anticipation is getting you down and it seems to me that the situation needs to be resolved one way or the other and quickly. What happens if you can't go to Japan? Will you feel a failure? Will you get fired? Will the world end?

You are in a permanent state of panic and that is not acceptable because of a situation with which you can't cope and which has been thrust upon you. You need to back off and look at it all from outside. There must be a way through this. You have got to talk to whoever is asking you to take this trip. You may be surprised how understanding some can be when it comes to flying. If you go on as you are you just add fuel to the fire of anxiety. You must take some action however painful it may be. Never mind the points or rewards, your heath is far more important.      Jon.

[Stones345 32]

I totally agree with Jon's post. You have to approach your employers and explain the situation. The physical aspects of this panic will leave you not being able to function at all and that is not where you want to be. Besides those of us whose panic anxiety peaks with a situation such as this, there are millions of people who just have a fear of flying that don't suffer from panic anxiety. It is not uncommon. Your employers should be very understanding of this.

 

Did you know anything about the possibility of having to fly when you took the job? If not, you have an even stronger case of this because it was not disclosed at your hire.

 

Let us know what happens...

[HDBobbers 55]

Hi HD. Have you approached your employers and talked about this?  The anticipation is getting you down and it seems to me that the situation needs to be resolved one way or the other and quickly. What happens if you can't go to Japan? Will you feel a failure? Will you get fired? Will the world end?

You are in a permanent state of panic and that is not acceptable because of a situation with which you can't cope and which has been thrust upon you. You need to back off and look at it all from outside. There must be a way through this. You have got to talk to whoever is asking you to take this trip. You may be surprised how understanding some can be when it comes to flying. If you go on as you are you just add fuel to the fire of anxiety. You must take some action however painful it may be. Never mind the points or rewards, your heath is far more important.      Jon.

 

I had approached my new manager a couple of months back when i resumed seeking help for the panic, depression, and gut issues.  I had had a panic attack right before going out with a few people for lunch and ended up walking out on everyone, including my boss.  I explained what was going on, and my boss thought i was having a nervous breakdown, and told me to talk to HR.  I explained the issues i'm having with panic and told her that there WILL be times when i just need to leave the office to normalize myself, even if just a little.  I had told them that there are some things i'm just not willing to do... flying and being out of driving distance at the top of the list.  Not that the list is long.  The list is flying and being away from home for more than a couple of days.  I told them that i'd gladly drive myself across the country to California if i ever needed to... just on my own, not flying.

 

I am what i would call a sub-manager.  I have authority within my company to a certain extent and am on equal footing with other members who ARE management, so there are expectations of me.  Biggest issue with this situation is the need to go to Japan.  For one... i work for a Japanese company.  The second is i signed an executive sponsored agreement to send me back to college to earn my MS degree.  The money was spent and now that the course alignment has been sent to us, part of the final requirements is to go to Japan and tour the country doing various things.  It's 3 credit hours.  If i do not go it is a fail on the agreement that i signed for the MS.  It is also a fail as i will be (definitely will be) telling the executives that i refuse to go overseas which may very well result in my termination.

 

Right now i am in a constant state of panic.  People always tell me that panic comes in waves.  It comes, it gets worse, it subsides, and is gone.  I agree to a certain extent.  It is not doing that for me now.  I haven't eaten more than a handful of tortilla chips since Tuesday, and i was heaving from doing so.  I am not sleeping, my hands have been numb to the point where i can barely type (i've been on this message for far too long).  It isn't subsiding.

 

I know i have to talk to management again... tomorrow.  Though i dread the answer.  My own manager put his neck on the line for me and is one of the co-sponsors of this program which he is very proud of.

 

I totally agree with Jon's post. You have to approach your employers and explain the situation. The physical aspects of this panic will leave you not being able to function at all and that is not where you want to be. Besides those of us whose panic anxiety peaks with a situation such as this, there are millions of people who just have a fear of flying that don't suffer from panic anxiety. It is not uncommon. Your employers should be very understanding of this.

 

Did you know anything about the possibility of having to fly when you took the job? If not, you have an even stronger case of this because it was not disclosed at your hire.

 

Let us know what happens...

 

I've been in my position for 11 years now.  It didn't require travel to begin with, though this is a different animal as i've been promoted to a certain level that has certain expectation of me.

 

I'll let you know...

[KH84 42]

Is the part you are anxious about just flying or being that far away from home? If it's just the flying you could take a sleeping pill so you sleep through most of the flight. You could also get a strong benzo to keep you calm. If it's being away from home maybe just change your thinking into it being a great opportunity and a free trip to see another part if the world.

I know this is all easier said than done and probably not helpful but just a thought

[Stones345 32]

HD, are you the only one that is being requested to go to Japan? No other staff?

[HDBobbers 55]

Is the part you are anxious about just flying or being that far away from home? If it's just the flying you could take a sleeping pill so you sleep through most of the flight. You could also get a strong benzo to keep you calm. If it's being away from home maybe just change your thinking into it being a great opportunity and a free trip to see another part if the world.

I know this is all easier said than done and probably not helpful but just a thought

 

It's not just the flying... it's being halfway around the world with people i don't know, in a country I don't know, travelling across a country doing touristy things, and visiting manufacturing plants.  No ability to separate myself to be alone.  No personal car, only trains or group bus.  Everything about the trip is filled with things i have no ability to participate in with no way for me to escape.

 

HD, are you the only one that is being requested to go to Japan? No other staff?

 

There would be two other people from my office going, though i don't get any comfort from that.  They love to travel... and i loathe it.

[Stones345 32]

 

It's not just the flying... it's being halfway around the world with people i don't know, in a country I don't know, traveling across a country doing touristy things, and visiting manufacturing plants.  No ability to separate myself to be alone.  No personal car, only trains or group bus.  Everything about the trip is filled with things i have no ability to participate in with no way for me to escape.

 

 

 

That last line sums up ... I truly understand  your thought process in what you fear.  And yes being halfway around the world away from your comfort zone is indeed terrifying. Speak with management about this and have them try to understand the gravity of what this venture is doing to you.  I would push more the fear of flying with panic anxiety as a 2nd issue.

[HDBobbers 55]

I was finally able to sit down and have a meaningful discussion regarding portions of this issue, namely the trip to Japan.  It wasn't my intent to request special treatment.  I don't like being treated differently than other people, but i wanted other options rather than international travel.

 

After discussing it all at length and making my manager know that I want to be involved, that i want to advance in my career, and that I want to earn my next degree (Master of Science & Technology Management), we were able to discuss with the school some alternatives to the 3 credit hour requirement for travel to Japan.  It would mean more classroom time to fulfill the degree, though options are what i was ultimately looking for.

 

I don't know if i should say, "YAY! CRISIS AVOIDED!" or if i should be disappointed because my sick self can't cope with the things that most people would do day to day without the issues that almost kill me.

 

But... at least i ate a meal... first one in 5 days...

[KH84 42]

that's great!  like my therapist always says "there is always a solution" don't feel bad about not being able to do what most people would.  everyone is different and im sure there are things that you do that others wish they could do.  just do the best you can with the hand you were dealt.  Hopefully your anxiety subsides a great deal.  Go enjoy some good food to make up for all those days you haven't been able to eat ;-)

[jonathan123 2368]

Great news HD. . 'Your sick self'?? no, you are not sick by any means because you have found the courage to solve the situation. It is so easy in anxiety to just give up. I know we suggest doing nothing but that is the paradox. Doing nothing in the sense we mean is not giving up. Every day matters have to be dealt with, but without the anxious thoughts that go with them in anxiety. As KH says, there is always a solution.  Good for you.      Jon.

[Sunnybunny 289]

Hi HD.  I really felt for you reading this post and then got to the end where it sounds like there is a resolution.  That is great news :-)

 

I completely relate to your statement about being torn between elation over finding an alternative to the travel and disappointment on not following through with the plans like your co-workers.  I struggle with that sort of conflict all the time.

 

There are some things I can do that others don't enjoy (ie public speaking and presentations) but then I cannot/will not drive the 4 hours through the mountain pass alone to attend a meeting in the closest major city.  Go figure.  It really bothers me that I can't do things that others would think nothing of.  But then again, I've always found another solution (conference call, fly and stay overnight, send someone else - that's my fave!).  I've been in my position for over 15 years and I've managed to avoid the trip so far.  And I am good at my job on a day-to-day basis so the occasional trip isn't really indicative of my capabilities.  So I have given up worrying about it.  Maybe one day I'll manage the drive but perhaps not.  Whatever.  Life is too short and if there is a reasonable alternative then go for it and don't beat yourself up.

 

I am a bit jealous of people who can do it though.  I mean, a paid business trip to Japan would be cool (for about 5 minutes in my case! haha)

[Stones345 32]

HD I am so happy for you that an alternative has been found. What a relief to say the least. I am glad that you were able to be upfront about that whole situation and that your manager and the school were so understanding. Do not beat yourself up over the fact that you just couldn't go through with it. There are certain things in life that we are capable of doing and other things that we just can't. That's why each and every one of us is a unique individual.

 

Good for you HD... now relax and get some food in you... it's over with...whew...