I've never done anything like this before

[sharbag 0]

I don't know how much information we're supposed to (allowed to?) share, but I'll give you the basics. I'm 23 years old and I've suffered from depression and anxiety since my early teens. I used to be outgoing and I had a lot of friends as a child, but as soon as I turned fourteen, things changed. I (as well as my family) chalked it up as normal teenaged angst, but it wasn't. I gradually stopped socializing and hanging out with my friends. I spent more and more time on the internet, browsing through anything that would distract me from myself. I just wanted to be alone, all the time. As I grew older, it got worse. I stopped leaving my room, unless it was necessary (school, shower, kitchen, etc). I lost a ton of weight, which wasn't overly noticeable, as I was skinny to begin with, but my family definitely noticed that part. I went from being 100 lbs to 85 lbs in a few months. When I graduated high school, I started talking to this guy that I met online and he seemed to suffer from the same symptoms as I did, which I thought was a good thing, but it wasn't. Being with him just ruined any chance I had at fighting through this. It didn't help that he was a manipulative jerk, but that's beside the point. I felt worthless and stupid, and I eventually dropped out of college because I felt insecure and I didn't want to leave my house. 

 

Nothing has changed really. I'm not with that guy anymore, but I feel the same as I did back then. There are days when it's manageable, but it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I contemplated s****de around 18-20 years old. I'm no longer in that headspace, thankfully, but I do crave some sort escape. 

 

TL;DR - I'm lonely, and I need some positive influences in my life. 

[NervousNik 11]

welcome to AC! don't worry we are pretty open on this site, it sounds like you have gone thru some stuff. you def are at the right place! 

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi sharbag and welcome to the AC Forum. Nik is right; you are in the right place and I doubt very much if anything you say will upset anyone here. We all speak from experience and knowing that others know how you feel can help a lot. You are NOT alone; thousands tread the path you are on, so try not to give up or despair because many have also recovered, as you will. Because your anxiety was not tackled earlier it has built up to the situation you find yourself in now. But no matter how long you have suffered or how old you are recovery is always possible. It is you know, however bad you may feel now. Have you spoken to  your doctor? That is always the first step because mild medication can help you to calm down and gather your thoughts so that you can look for a long term plan for recovery. Being with the guy you mentioned has NOT ruined any chance of recovery. On the contrary, it has given you valuable experience that you can use to good effect. Life is a learning process and you can make good use of any experience in anxiety if you go about it in the right way. Losing weight is not unusual in anxiety neither are agoraphobia type symptoms. Look up as much as you can manage to read on this site.(I know how difficult it is to concentrate). Look under RESOURCES and 'Recent Articles'. Much useful info to be had. You use the expression 'fighting through this'. I suggest you stop fighting and ask yourself if fighting is helping. Fighting means more tension and more anxiety. Although it is natural to want to do so it does not help. 'Worthless and stupid'. Oh no! No one is ever that however bad they feel. You are a person in trouble and in need of help and far from stupid; that is the anxiety talking. We can help to reassure you but if you have not done so please see your doctor then you can go on from there with a recovery programme. Hang in there. You will be OK. Honest.       Jon.