HDBobbers 55 Posted March 5, 2015 I recently started down the route of looking for a doctor to help me cope with the problems that i've been having. First sessions were to identify my issues and enroll me in the program, pre-CBT (that's coming later). Diagnosis is panic disorder and depression. I am currently refusing medication. I won't go into it at length, but i'll say that my experience with meds has been completely negative and my preference is to stay away. That said... I'm really in a bad place right now. I'm trying to stay positive, with the thought that i'm working to improve myself... to help myself now so that i can have a more enjoyable future, but I just can't help straying back to the thinking of "I just don't want to be here anymore". The lines of questioning that i'm getting from the doctors i'm seeing are not helping my mindset. Identifying the things that trigger my panic, talking about how I feel. I get asked how it makes me feel that I have an outright panic attack when invited to just go and see my parents at their house, or go to my sister's place and visit with my nephews... how I feel when the aspect of either of those invites causes me to almost lose control of my bowels, sending me to the restroom. How do I feel not having friends, or anyone to lean on when i just need someone to talk to for some understanding or something as simple as a hug, a pat on the back, or someone to hold my hand... how I feel about not having a wife, a girlfriend, or children. All i can tell them is that I feel awful and i would prefer to just disappear. So... i'm really in some pain and i'm having a hard time dealing. I'm trying to do anything to keep my mind off of things. I'm not a recluse, so i'm not at my house all the time, though 99% of the time my time is spent solo. I've kept busy working on my motorcycle, getting my truck ready to swap the engine, renovate my home, hiking, snowshoeing/skiing, working out... so i'm active. I just can't get my mind away from not wanting to be around anymore. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted March 6, 2015 Hi HD. Glad to see you again. Medication is very much a personal issue and we all have different views on the subject. I too decided not to take medication at first but I could have saved myself a lot of agro if I had. In my view, not shared by everyone, is that mild medication can help by allowing us to settle our minds and look at our situation calmly, which it is difficult to do when in an anxiety state. This is very much a personal issue between you and your doctor. Bowel problems are a common feature of anxiety and I would suggest that most of us have had to dash to the loo on many occasions. You see it is part of the good old fight/flight syndrome. You are being prepared to run or fight so, by emptying your bowels you become lighter and are able to run away from the Sabre Toothed Tiger faster! Oh yes; it is the primitive part of the mind at work and not the rational mind. Our ancestral mind is active caused by the fear of how we feel. You are active physically and that is good, but trying to 'get your mind off' anxiety is very difficult. You have been on the site long enough to know that facing and accepting how you feel and not trying to distract yourself is what I advocate. Running away and avoidance does not do a lot for anxiety. Meeting people, even relatives, can be a frightening experience in anxiety and we feel we have lost touch with reality. (We haven't, we just think we have), and there lies the problem; our thoughts. They have to be challenged. Keep in touch but NEVER despair or give up hope. Situations in nervous illness can change overnight. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
walkingwithGod 169 Posted March 7, 2015 I agree with Jon. Medication is a personal decision. Im not a huge fan of meds because i didnt want to have to depend on meds for the rest of my life just to function normal. I did decide to take some this time because my panic and anxiety were keeping me from work and i wasnt able to drive my daughter to school a mile down the road,couldnt sleep and other things. My doc gave me buspirone. Its non habit forming and she gave a fairly low dose and i even started out lower than what she prescribed. I have to admit that i noticed a huge difference within just a few days. I am glad you are active, that will help also. I dont know if you are spiritual or not but I am a christian and I will tell you that God created us all for a purpose so never think that you shouldnt be around anymore because thats simply a lie from the devil! We are all here for you on this site and you can message me anytime! Its gonna get better, we all understand and have been or are going through same or similar things. Wendi.. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted March 7, 2015 Could I suggest that for the 'devil' read anxiety? I think anxiety it is a false belief, a lie. Was it not said somewhere by a wise man that the devil is the father of all liars? Anxiety is the father of all liars because it misleads us into thinking we are really ill. We can go on believing lies but it does not make them true. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
walkingwithGod 169 Posted March 8, 2015 Well said Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stones345 32 Posted March 10, 2015 HD... the doctors are just trying to get a feel for who you are and what triggers the anxiety attacks. I know it can seem quite daunting the amount of information that they are trying to collect but it really is for your benefit. Meds are a personal decision I agree. I, for one, have been on them since 2008 and they help me function on a day to day basis. I don't focus on how I don't want to be on meds the rest of life... I focus on the fact that they are giving me a life. I hope that you will be able to follow through with the CBT program. I took it for 2.5 years and it truly changed my way of thinking in anxiety situations. It does not erase the thoughts or what "if's" but it will help you to work through the situations when these things arise. And finally... it can be hard not having in your life the relationships you mentioned .... remember though, that what you think others have that you don't, many times is not what it appears to be. Stay with your interests and do what makes you happy in life. If you have that, anything extra that comes along is a bonus. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HDBobbers 55 Posted March 10, 2015 It's not that i'm focused on not wanting to be on meds for the rest of my life, it's that i came a hair's breadth from killing myself while detoxing paxil and I do not want a repeat because honestly, i don't think i'd make it... i hate my life right now and if i were to be put into the position i was in once again, i don't think i'd make it. Lately i've been really struggling despite doing anything i can to see people since i'm lonely. I ended up going out to a pub on friday with some co-workers hoping i could set things aside and enjoy myself. Started ok... ended badly. A woman that I had opened up to regarding my issues decided it would be funny to start insulting me, the issues i have, and i just couldn't take it. People laughing at me and not in a nice way... literally laughing hysterically at my expense, at the problems that are killing me day after day. This, all from a person i thought i could trust, and who i had helped previously. I threw some cash down at the bar and walked out. Now i'm dealing with those people at work. I'm tired of this. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Stones345 32 Posted March 10, 2015 I totally understand about coming off the meds and the reaction that you had. The fact that you were able to come off them is a wonderful thing!! Now, about that woman at the bar... that is just absolutely horrible. People can be so insensitive at times and to literally make fun of an issue that you are struggling with is so not right. I am so sorry that happened to you. Take it from where it comes.... she clearly is not a nice human being and you surely don't need someone like that in your life. The thing is that you didn't know she would do that and it may inhibit you in wanting to be social and confide in someone again. Don't let it... not everyone is like that. Just go slowly with opening yourself up and take small steps in being social. I know it may be difficult but keep on trying... we're all here to support you as you go.... 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted March 11, 2015 Yes, Stones is spot on. The ignorant will always be with us. We have to be so careful in whom we confide. In nervous illness we are inclined to talk to anyone about our illness; a big mistake. We need to be discerning. When people ridicule they do so out of fear and ignorance. Yes, take it from whence it comes. But, at the same time, forgive them. They know not what they do and the damage they can cause. Ignorance is as much a disease as any other but the cure is difficult as they are not aware of it. If the insults came from someone you helped then that is doubly devastating, but when we help it has to be unconditional. No reward is expected. The act of helping is reward in itself. I hope the coming off pills is successful as I am sure it will be. You do have the determination you know. Yes you do. Take care. Jon. 2 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SoAnxious 3 Posted March 23, 2015 If it's worth anything, when I completely cut caffeine out, my anxiety and panic episodes went to almost none. Maybe that's something to try if you haven't already. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
HDBobbers 55 Posted March 23, 2015 I'm doing that already. I cut coffee out completely and aside from a ginger ale here or there to help ease my stomach (yes it helps), there's no soda in the diet either. Minimal sugars. 1 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
SHUCK 0 Posted March 23, 2015 Dude just keep your head up, I know its rough as I go through the same things sometimes. I also cut caffeine out and also any kind of soda, the only thing I drink is water of decaf tea and that's about it. As far as the insulting woman, just realize that she is the one that doesn't understand and probably has more problems than hooker in church on Sunday! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
