dateing anxiety?

[ArrowHawk11 30]

Ive been thinking about this for a long time and I think I am ready to start dating. But what is keeping me from doing so is my anxiety and depression. It has kept me from dating for a long time. All of my cousins who are younger than me are married and Im starting to feel lonely. But now I am ready and I think it is time. I can start conversations and break the ice but the hardest part is asking a girl out. It always has been. The hardest part is finding one who isnt married or doesnt have a boyfriend. Perhaps ive waited too long to find mrs. right? How do I overcome this fear? This fear is really bugging me and I want to stop it. I know it sounds silly but this fear dates back to me being bullied.

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Arrow. Self esteem. That is what it is all about, isn't it? But why do you think you are a lesser person than anyone else? Being bullied is at the root of this and rejection comes into the picture. You are so afraid of the feelings of rejection that you shy away from any contact that may cause those feelings. Do you see that? You are afraid of your feelings as we all are in anxiety. But you are a unique person; only one of you exists and you need to  think about why you feel inferior. The only way, I am sorry to say, is to get out there and do it.  Withdrawal in the face of the difficulties in relationships is not helpful. We all get hurt at times by some unkind word or some selfish act on the part of others but that is life. Face it; go out and get it. It won't come to you, you have to make the effort. There is someone out there waiting but you have to go looking.     Jon.

[ArrowHawk11 30]

Thanks for the advice jon, I will try my best this year and I can easily relate to the things you've said. I don't have good self esteme and I've been working on it for a long time. Its a tough road after being a victim of bullying. But so far, college has been great and I've found some like minded people I have made friends with. Its a totally different atmosphere even though there are times I get anxiet and overwhelmed by the work. I hope she's out there somewhere.

[Leah Fay 3]

Hey ArrowHawk11, I'm new on here and your post intrigued me because I feel slightly the same. My low self-esteem stops me from making the effort with others, especially males. I see all these girls happy with their boyfriends and the concept of me being in that situation scares me because I feel as though my anxiety will get in the way and I will seem boring because I'm too anxious to go places and do things that deep down I truly want to do. I know the best way to meet others is to put yourself out there, and this is the first step to take, no matter how daunting it sounds..and it is a lot easier said than done. Just know that you're not the only one who has these worries, and I am sorry that bullying was the cause of your low self-esteem. You sound like a wonderful person and I hope you meet somebody great because you deserve to. All the best at college and I'm here if you ever want to talk:)

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi Leah. Welcome to AC. A very kind post. Thank you. We all try on here to help each other as best we can and we all speak from experience.

By the look of your photo you should have no difficulty in getting a boyfriend, but how we look hasn't got much to do with it, has it? It's how we feel that is important. You are right, the only way is to get out there and do it but I appreciate that is not easy when we are shy. When young (Dinosaurs were around then!!) I was shy so I know what it's like. Shyness is a form of anxiety and does go with a lack of confidence, but as you get older you realise that it matters not a jot what others think; it is how comfortable you are with your own thoughts and actions. Do right, do good, and take it as it comes. You have the right idea. Go for it.     Jon.

[Leah Fay 3]

Hi Jon, 

 

Thank you for your kind reply, that is my aim for this year, to get out there and not be as shy, a sort of new years resolution haha. I am beginning to realise now that I shouldn't worry about what others think of me, and I hope i'll realise more as time goes on. My negative thoughts play a big role in all of this, which I need to make a change to. Thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it

[ArrowHawk11 30]

Hi Leah, Thank you for the help and comments and its nice to know someone who feels the same way I do. Hope you find someone as well. Thats a good new years resolotuion, I dont really have one but i'm going try to make one and stick with it.  I agree with Jon too, looks should not matter, what really counts is on the inside, the true person.

[Leah Fay 3]

No problem at all:) thank you! Yeah it helps so much to have something to focus on. Exactly, you could date the most attractive person in the world but if they're really not a nice person then what's the point?

[ArrowHawk11 30]

Exactly, there is more to people than meets the eye. I guess the best way to know is by gut instict and comon sense. But its hard to find the right and a true person these days.

[Joeetaku 122]

Hi all, I'm new to and this also intrigued me because I have similar problems. You really aren't alone in this!

 

With regards to friendships and acquaintences I get on with women just fine; I have many female friends and can be quite open with a few of them. However, when I have a romantic interest in a lady I'm the opposite; my anxiety shoots through the roof and she becomes the most terrifying person in my life! I'm 27 and yet I've only ever plucked up the courage to tell three women how I feel about them, none of them returning my feelings (through still continuing as friends afterwards).

 

Telling a woman how I feel honestly feels physically impossible. I've bailed on so many occasions that on two of the above occasions I've had to text them to say I want to talk about something before we meet up, just to ensure I can't get out of it! However on the last occasion I didn't need to do this... so that's progress I guess! Opening up was still torture though!

[lizzymae 3]

I've noticed that looks don't end up mattering. How I feel about someone entirely changes how I view their appearance. 

Telling people your thoughts is so hard. I'm amazing at expressing myself and voicing my thoughts and feelings when I get to write it out… but when I have to actually say it to someone's face I freeze. I hate being so shy.

[jonathan123 2368]

Everyone, but everyone has some sort of hang up. No exceptions. So what you see in others when they seem calm and collected could be how they see you.  It often happens that they are waiting for you to make a move and you are waiting for them so nothing happens. OK, so you make a move and ask for a date and get rejected. So what. Say to yourself that if that's how they feel then it's just as well that they didn't take up my offer. Rejection can be hell when we are shy and it can put us off asking again. Don't let it. Mr/Miss right will come along if it meant to be so. There is only one way and it is hard but the answer is TO DO IT. Don't allow rejection to put you off, because if you do you will never achieve anything.

 

Of course looks don't matter, lizzy. It is what is in the heart that counts. OK, so freeze. If the person you are talking to at the time understands how you feel then you have found the right one. You may both be shy and that can help in understanding each other. I am at the age where I just don't give a toss what others think, or at least only those whose opinion I respect. If I feel in my heart that I have done or said the right thing then that's it. But then wisdom come with age and you can't put old heads on young shoulders.     Jon.

[Steve4AM 14]

   enjoy dating before you get to the late thirties, then things really, really suck!  find someone to mary before it's too late, and everyone your age is married, or divorced with a bunch of kids and cats!  i wish i had figured things out earlier.

   do not waste your youth on fears, or you will really regret it, the way i do now.  i wish someone had really told me this and i had understood.

[KnowThyself 0]

I'm sorry you feel this way man. If it means anything, I sort of understand how you feel. Although I don't know if you are older, I'm 21 and I have never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend or anything. This is all because I get really anxious when it comes to talking to girls and getting to know them. I feel like the punishment of feeling worthless and alone is way too harsh for the crime of being shy. There should be more support and awareness for people with this problem, in my opinion. Anyway, that's what I have to say. Hope it helps. 

[jonathan123 2368]

Hi, KT. Welcome to the AC Forum. 21 and never kissed a girl!!    .   My goodness, SO? I was 25 before I kissed a girl and then rushed into the corner to hide my embarrassment. You know we do get in a state over what we think is so important at the time. When I discovered that girls can be just as shy as boys and perhaps even more so, I recovered from my shyness. We all, male and female, feel embarrassed when young about contact with the opposite sex. Nothing new in that. But why should you feel you are being punished for feeling worthless and alone when, in fact, you are neither? Nobody is worthless. We all have something to offer and the fact that you haven't found it yet does not invalidate it. It is still an unfortunate fact that a lot of girls still feel that the boys should make the first move. When you are shy it puts a burden of responsibility on you which makes you 'shy' off. Taking the plunge is difficult but remember, there are a lot of girls around and some day some time it will happen. Going out and doing is the only real way.        Jon.