Riobaldo 0 Posted December 18, 2014 Hello Folks! It was very nice to find these forum here. Before registering, I`ve read many topics and it's amazing how people can help each other. I`m from Brazil and also live here. 36 yo, divorced, one daughter. Well, I have problems with fears and anxiety since I was a little kid. First psychologist appointment I was only 4. I grew up with this. Always anxious but from time to time things get out of control. And that`s what I`m feeling as I write. I divorced 7 months ago. It was easy and smooth! Have a good relationship with my daughter`s mom (ex-wife). I was very happy until one thing happened: I met someone and fell in love with her. That would be great news for any person. Not as great for this mind here. Now that I have someone I love, it was triggered a fear of losing her. Is that a paradox or what? I can only think about her the entire time. Always anxious for a message, a call or next meeting. And, of course, jealousy comes naturally. This is terrible! Can`t work well, can`t spend quality time if my daughter, can`t see friends or do anything I like. My anxiety and fears will paralyze me. I know that I`m doing everything wrong and I`m afraid to lose somebody I love so much. If anyone can help me in anyway, I`ll really appreciate. Cheers! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bterflymom 155 Posted December 18, 2014 I hear your concern about maybe losing this person you care about, so sorry. I hope you are not being obsessive around her to the point that you scare her away. If it's meant to be it will be. In the mean time try to learn about anxiety which I have too. To me jealousy is a wasted emotion and can honestly say I've never really been a jealous person. You can drive someone away if you are always asking what and where and why they are doing things. Relax, if it's meant to be it will be. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted December 19, 2014 Hi Riobaldo and welcome to AC. Genuine concern is one thing but a kind of possessiveness is another and, as the above post says, it could end up with you losing her. But there is another side to this. When anxious we tend to hang on to the things we feel are important for fear of being cast adrift as it were. They are our lifeline; our rock to cling to. But this is not about the welfare of the person you love it is about how you feel. Anxiety can be a selfish business as we turn in on ourselves; become introspective. "Fear of losing her". But why should you lose her? Have you spoken to her about how you feel? You may find reassurance there. Women can be very intuitive and she may be able to relate to your problem. It is probably the fear of being alone that has triggered this anxiety and going through a divorce even though a smooth one does not help. I would suggest that you just let things happen; take their course and see how it goes but at the same time speak to her. If you only hint at the problem you may find reassurance. Best wishes. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riobaldo 0 Posted December 19, 2014 Bterflymom, Thanks for your reply! You`re perfectly right! Jealousy can`t bring anything good to anyone. Somebody with anxiety has fears that are absolutely ridiculous. Ok, my girlfriend is a doctor. When she says she won`t be available for the next 4 hours because she will be on surgery, that should be ok, right? But sometimes my anxious mind will make up a big story and inconsciently I`ll believe. I have to break free of that. I`m not being possessive. I`m suffering alone. She doesn`t deserve it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riobaldo 0 Posted December 19, 2014 Jonathan, You`re right. I should have no fear of losing her. We talk about our relationship and we really love each other. When we are together, I`m completely safe and confident. When she leaves I begin with these stupid feelings. And anxiety takes command. This is not new. I remember being a little kid. I would never doubt my mom`s love. But I would get extremely anxious and insecure when she wasn`t around. I would be anxious all the time spent at school fearing that she wouldn`t be there to pick me up at the end of the day. That`s chronical. I agree with you. I should just take the course and see what happens. But my anxiety just won`t let me do it. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted December 19, 2014 Hi Riobaldo. I can relate to you in regard to mother not being there. When she was not around my anxiety reached the limit. I would be really fearful until she appeared again. That's what I meant when I said we rely on such people and they become our support, our port in a storm. We need to become self reliant. That is not to say we must not feel concern for others, of course not, but self reliance means that we don't feel alone even without company. There is a big difference in being alone and being lonely. Many people prefer their own company and like being alone. Being lonely means we crave the company of others, we feel cut off, isolated, so common in nervous illness. The FEAR of being alone can cause anxiety even if we are in company. This is why so many fill their lives with loud music: in their cars and at home. Silence, to most people is unbearable, but it is often in the silence that you find peace. Can you carry that safety and confidence you talk of over to when your partner is not there? You may have to work at it but it's worth a try. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riobaldo 0 Posted December 19, 2014 You are right, Jonathan! My partner became my support. And it shouldn`t! Before knowing her I was alone, happy and VERY SECURE. So why did I change? My goal is to see her as a "plus" in my life. Not the reason of my life. That`s not healthy. I see it clearly. My job now is convince my mind of it. Well, at least I`m taking medication since Tuesday. In fact my doctor increased de dose of what I already had and also prescripted a new drug in addition. I don`t know if is because of it, but my anxiety symptoms improved during this 3 days. To early to know. But the fact is that decreasing your anxiety makes easier to try to fix other things in your mind. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
jonathan123 2368 Posted December 20, 2014 You are right. Medication can help you calm down and think more rationally about your situation. Having done that you need a long term plan to begin to eliminate the unnecessary anxiety. I say 'unnecessary' because we humans will always feel some anxiety in certain situations, and that is only natural. It is the unwanted anxiety we have to see through. Good luck to you and I am sure all will go well. Jon. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Dany 10 Posted December 20, 2014 Your feeling towards your new girlfriend are showing how much you love her. This is not a bad thing but you have to be careful not to lose control over you feelings. Jealousy can brake even the strongest relationships, so be careful. It is normal to be jealous but not obsessive because you will drive her away in time. Try to be yourself and make her feel safe and protected around you. Show your love to her by taking care of her not being so obsessive. You need to understand that if she really wants to cheat on you, she will and you can't do anything about it. So, no need to worry that much about this, if she loves you then she will be faithful. Take care! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Riobaldo 0 Posted December 20, 2014 Dany, You are exactly right! I tend to be jealous and have to watch it. That`s not good at all. Just an example: last night she told me that somebody from her past (who didn`t know she was dating someone) messaged her asking her out. And she told this guy she has a boyfriend now. Just that fact drove me furious. Couldn`t control it and still can`t stop thinking of that. And then, anxiety goes to very high levels. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
