Atypical mole excision tomorrow. Doing terribly.

[carnelians 7]

I'm so scared it's going to come back as melanoma this time. It was moderate to severe atypia on the biopsy, and that was back in November. I'm scared that I waited too long for the excision. It doesn't even matter to me that melanoma in situ doesn't kill anyone, I don't want a history of skin cancer at 26. What will that say about my future? I feel like I'd just get it again and again. 

I'm sorry. I'm doing terribly. I've had to take a klonopin almost every day for the past week. I started Cymbalta but it isn't kicking in yet, it's only been a week. 

I don't want to see this derm that fearmongered me last time and didn't care about my anxiety at all. I have no idea what other off the wall thing he's going to say this time that I'll obsess over. 

Sorry for whining about this again, but I'm scared as hell and I'm dreading some phone call after telling me the margins aren't clear or that it came back as melanoma after all. I'm scared it was melanoma to begin with, just misdiagnosed as atypical or that it was too early to tell what it really was. I can't stop my thoughts from racing. I'm driving my girlfriend nuts going over this again and again. 

There's no repigmentation in the scar tissue at least. That has to be good, right?

[ZenCube 59]

As you perfectly satated: melanoma (which you don't have as there is a long road from atypical cell tissues to carcinoma) is not a threat provided it is cut out. Your lesion was cut out. Whatever it was, it's gone and ain't coming back. Every day, we all have thousands of cells that take the wrong turn and are eliminated through very complex immune responses. It's part of being alive. Whatever the lesion was, it does not mean you are susceptible to c-word. You're perfectly healthy yet a living being made of zillions of cells. Nothing to be scared about.

[utrocket09 115]

Going to post the same thing I posted to you from another forum. Let this go. You have already had it removed. They are just removing extra. Atypical moles are nothing.

[Jennie048 115]

A few years ago I had a basal cell removed and then a year later a moderately atypical mole removed...both were completely removed with clear margins. I go every 6 months for check ups. I have faith in that I trust the doctor will find these things and remove them. If you don’t have a good relationship with your current derm - find another one after this to follow you.

[mollyfin 366]

You can't control what someone else will say; you can only control your reaction to it.  Is there a reason beyond your anxiety that you are unable to believe that you don't have cancer?  For example, do you doubt your doctor's abilities, the tests performed, etc?  Or is it just anxiety?

[carnelians 7]

4 hours ago, mollyfin said:

You can't control what someone else will say; you can only control your reaction to it.  Is there a reason beyond your anxiety that you are unable to believe that you don't have cancer?  For example, do you doubt your doctor's abilities, the tests performed, etc?  Or is it just anxiety?

To be honest, and this is morbid, a big part of it is that I've always felt destined to die young because of my childhood OCD that was never treated. And my PTSD gives me the sense that I have no future, that something will take me out before I get to accomplish anything. It's so debilitating. It latches onto health things and random acts of violence / accidents, but health more than anything. 

I think I trust the derm even though I don't like him as a person very much. It's more like I'm terrified that some random act of disaster will happen like it suddenly being cancer or getting it in the future because of the "I'm destined to die young" feeling that I've had forever. So when anything is even slightly out of the ordinary my first through is "this is it!"