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Hi all! I’m totally new to this site, but definitely not new to HA. I’ve been suffering for 11 years. I’m usually pretty good at managing it but occasionally I just get hit with a wave of anxiety that just knocks me down for weeks, sometimes even months at a time. I’m in nursing school and now that my midterms are done I have more time to focus on myself. In the last week alone I have managed to convince myself that I have ovarian cancer, bladder cancer, a kidney infection, a UTI, and now breast cancer. The other symptoms I was having are easy chalked up to a running injury I sustained on my hip a while back and stress, but I’ve always had this lump on my left breast. I exam my breasts weekly because I’m so paranoid but I feel like this thing has changed, I feel like it’s bigger! It’s still soft and moveable, I am about 4 days from starting my period so that could be the case, it’s a bit painful too but that could just be from my constant poking at it. I’m just starting to really second guess myself and I’m convincing myself that I don’t really know my own body. I just feel betrayed and confused. Normally I would go see my doctor but I moved 12 hours from home for school so I have no friends and family around either. I’m just feeling really doomed and upset about this, I’m hoping that someone has had a similar experience that can maybe help calm me down.
So I’ve been back at university for a week now and it’s been very different. I do an acting degree which is possibly the most emotionally/physically diverse course you can think of. I am in my third year so they have turned up the heat. Last week I was in 9 hours everyday and was not even home in the evenings because I had assessment and social engagements. Lord almighty I was busy. Things slipped. I didn’t do my washing up, tidy my room, wash my clothes and I cried at the end of the second day back because I foresaw the next ten weeks as being as stressful as my first two days. I’m now in my second week back and the flow has already changed. Today I had a half day and tomorrow I have off. How amazing. This weekend I tidied my room and did all my washing and even took up crochet, a leisure activity I hope will help in my thinky thinky times I sometimes have that stop me sleeping. Ive done some really positive things despite my stress, including contacting my university council long service because I realise, even though I feel like I’m entering a good space right now, ignoring the bad moments that have happened will only suppress them. Even if I feel good, I need explanation for the bad times. Im also finding new dynamics in my relationships with people. I realise I won’t be able to see my boyfriend heeps this term because I have a full timetable but I’ve made it a positive, I normal have trouble sleeping without him because my brain starts wandering but I want to use these opportunities to train myself out of that. I’ve been spending quality time with my housemates, playing board games and having a drink which makes me feel secure in our home. I’ve been honest and sharing with my parents which makes me feel better about the fragile states I sometimes get in to. I do feel positive now and I’ll enjoy it, for as long as I can. I never plan to fall back into the hole but the next time I do, I hope I read back on this post and remember that good times can be had and I appreciated this moment in my life right now. Best health and happiness to you all, I’llbefineintheend x