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I have depersonilization, and dont feel real sometimes, but I am still selfaware and conscious, I'm so terrified that one day that I will lose being self aware and conscious or lose being me cause I feel like its coming when my depersonilization acts up, I'm terrified and it makes my anxiety worse when I think I'm about to lose myself for ever and basically non exist

My whole life I've strived to be unnoticeable. On a bad day I'll feel awkward about walking down the street. Or talking to shop assistants. I just don't want to be seen. Does anyone else feel this way or relate in any way? I'm in my early twenties now but when I was younger I'd try and confide in my parents but they told me to "toughen up" or that "everyone feels that way". I feel belittled in a way. I didn't feel that how I felt mattered or was taken seriously. I'm under no illusion that I stand out or am special. I've just struggled with my image and being in public because I felt that I stuck out too much for being multiracial growing up, especially in a private school. My dad's side of the family is European and my mum's side of the family is Polynesian. My parents separated when I was young and I've never seen them happy together as a interracial couple and so perhaps growing up I felt like there was something wrong with me. I have olive skin but growing up my most of my friends were British ex pats and so were pale with lighter hair. People would always ask me what I was and when I said a New Zealander that wasn't enough for them. Some people would point and me and make rude remarks. As I've grown older I've got a lot better with my social anxiety. As a child I would run and hide with fear if guests visited our home. I guess I just want to see if others have shared similar experiences.

I don't want to go to sleep. There's school in the morning. I'm going to fake sick but I do it so frequently my parents get mad. My dads old and I stress him out when I miss school. He has chrones disease so stress makes him have flares. I have two very little siblings and I don't want them to have no dad. My parents love me and are very good people. They are trying to get me help. If I miss more school they might be taken to court. I have friends but people at school don't like me. I have a reputation as an annoying bitch. I have been unable to change that as hard as I try. If I go to bed then ill just wake up and have to go to school. Staying awake buys me time. I know I should sleep. But I'm just not letting myself.