carnelians

To be honest, and this is morbid, a big part of it is that I've always felt destined to die young because of my childhood OCD that was never treated. And my PTSD gives me the sense that I have no future, that something will take me out before I get to accomplish anything. It's so debilitating. It latches onto health things and random acts of violence / accidents, but health more than anything. I think I trust the derm even though I don't like him as a person very much. It's more like I'm terrified that some random act of disaster will happen like it suddenly being cancer or getting it in the future because of the "I'm destined to die young" feeling that I've had forever. So when anything is even slightly out of the ordinary my first through is "this is it!"

I'm so scared it's going to come back as melanoma this time. It was moderate to severe atypia on the biopsy, and that was back in November. I'm scared that I waited too long for the excision. It doesn't even matter to me that melanoma in situ doesn't kill anyone, I don't want a history of skin cancer at 26. What will that say about my future? I feel like I'd just get it again and again. I'm sorry. I'm doing terribly. I've had to take a klonopin almost every day for the past week. I started Cymbalta but it isn't kicking in yet, it's only been a week. I don't want to see this derm that fearmongered me last time and didn't care about my anxiety at all. I have no idea what other off the wall thing he's going to say this time that I'll obsess over. Sorry for whining about this again, but I'm scared as hell and I'm dreading some phone call after telling me the margins aren't clear or that it came back as melanoma after all. I'm scared it was melanoma to begin with, just misdiagnosed as atypical or that it was too early to tell what it really was. I can't stop my thoughts from racing. I'm driving my girlfriend nuts going over this again and again. There's no repigmentation in the scar tissue at least. That has to be good, right?

Thank you. I think I needed to hear that again. The likelihood of it suddenly becoming some super dangerous stage of cancer is like 0% and if it did evolve since November it'd still be stage 0 at least. The thought of it still freaks me out because well, the word "cancer" is terrifying, but I think you're right that I assume all cancer is equal when it very much isn't. When I hear cancer I think of chemo and being bedbound and a long drawn out death even though I know that's not the case with everyone, or even the majority of people with cancer. It's that thing again where I can't picture a future for myself without a horrible illness wiping me out, or thinking I'm more prone than everyone else to winding up with something. No evidence of that, it's the depression and HA talking. They diagnosed it explicitly as moderate to severe atypical melanocytic nevus. The pathology report didn't mention melanoma at all so...gonna try and see the good in that. Can't wait for this whole thing to be over.

Day three on Cymbalta...it's too early to tell if it's actually helping or if it's a placebo effect, but I've had some good moments where I can think, "I have to accept the possibility that I will get skin cancer one day and keep living in the meantime." I've been reading up on radical acceptance with health anxiety and it makes some good points about relinquishing control and how worrying means you suffer twice. Now, when I have my bad moments I'm a mess (I had a bad morning, woke up nauseous from my meds and very anxious about the excision coming up) but I'm hoping the meds kick in soon for real and help with this obsessive thinking. Had to pop a klonopin in the meantime which my doc recommended as needed because he sees how messed up I am over this. My one worry is that when they do the excision and send it off, it'll come back as cancer because it'll have rapidly changed in four months since the biopsy. From what I've read this is super unlikely and that it takes way longer on the small off chance atypia does lead to melanoma, even for moderate to severe atypia, but that's what I keep going back to since it's coming up so soon. Besides that, I don't trust the derm not to say some other hamfisted thing that I'll obsess over, which I really can't afford right now while getting adjusted to medication. I'm worried about how it was diagnosed as moderate to severe so it's straddling some weird line, and apparently severe atypia can sometimes look like early melanoma? There's so much conflicting information. I need to stop googling and feel like I can't.

I'm very phobic of medicine but finally had to give in and try this out because I'm at a breaking point. I have fibro and OCD which apparently Cymbalta helps with, so I thought it'd be my best fit. What can I expect from my first night / first few days? I'm starting it tonight because I'm off work tomorrow which would hopefully bypass some symptoms, and I'm pretty scared of feeling sick/anxious at work.

I have this OCD obsession as well and have since I was little. It comes and goes depending on whatever else I'm obsessing over, but I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in this particular intrusive. It's hard but luckily very common in OCD sufferers so you'll find a lot of support.

Thank you guys, these replies mean a lot. So...I ended up having some sort of weird nervous breakdown and wound up in the ER the other night feeling like I couldn't breathe. Everything culminated in one huge attack and it was probably the worst I've ever had. They gave me a shot of Ativan. I've had two big attacks since and had to take an Ativan each time. This is ridiculous. One good note is I'm finally prescribed a long-term medication. I went to a walk-in mental health facility today because I'd had enough of being in hysterics, so I'm giving Cymbalta a try. So at least this breakdown pushed me in the direction of finally letting myself try medication. I don't know why I can't get over this. I mean, I DO know, it's because I have a mental illness, but this is pretty over the top even for me. I miss my old obsessions, crazy as that sounds. This feels even worse than my psychosis obsession when I was 19 and that one really felt like the end of the world. I'm so sick of thinking about cancer.

I'm so glad it went well! Get lots of rest. If you're in need of something to watch while you recover, Great British Baking Show is my feel-good show. 😁

Thank you. I feel like there's a huge brick wall between my brain and staying rational. In the very back of my mind I feel like if I'd never gone in to get it looked at, it still would have never turned into anything bad and I would have gone forever without even knowing it was atypical. Honestly you're right -- I need to try thinking of this as being lucky that even if it was my worst fear it's extremely manageable and it'll be done with on the 21st. I guess I'm just super jealous of people without health anxiety. When I hear about people who routinely have to go in for excisions and they're not worried at all, I straight up can't compute it. Even people who have had multiple actual melanomas are calmer than me. I just can't imagine not being terrified all the time at any change in my body.

, Is it just a caution thing? The way he made it sound was so alarming like I'm teetering on the edge of cancer, or that it WAS cancer. Everything I'd read before this visit was that atypia even severe atypia still wasn't cancer or even pre-cancer. God, I feel so shaken up.

I feel furious that the doctor used such alarming language with me. He even pointed to a melanoma picture and said, "We worry about this, because this can kill you." Uh, yeah!! I know!! That's why I've been in such a state for ages over this!! I even went out of my way to say that I have severe anxiety in hopes that it would make him treat me with a little more delicacy, not load me with uncertainties and things that don't even make sense. I feel so hopeless. I feel like this will be the rest of my life, waiting to get cancer and having a bunch of scares, getting things cut out of me and sent off for testing. I don't even have insurance anymore. God.

I......really need support today. This is the worst I've ever felt, and I've had panic episodes that have landed me in the ER. I just got back from my followup. They described it as "moderate to severe atypia" and have scheduled me for a wide excision to be safe. The doctor didn't have the best bedside manner and said a bunch of terrifying things like how atypia can lead to cancer and how they "can't be certain it wasn't early stage melanoma" because of it being moderate to severe which made me break out into a cold sweat and burst into tears right in front of him. He made it sound WAY scarier than everything I've read. I thought atypia was common; it's the only thing that's kept my head on straight this whole time. He made it sound so much worse than anything I'd read. They gave me my pathology report, but I don't really understand a lot of it. Basically it says "the findings are those of a junctional melanocytic nevus with moderate to severe atypia" and that a wider excision is suggested. "Neoplasm of uncertain behavior" is in there too. One part that freaks me out because I don't understand it is "As the neoplasm extends to both lateral tissue edges, complete excision is recommended." What the hell does that mean? Does that mean it's on its way to being cancer? Are the cells left behind cancerous and killing me right now? I'm completely ratted. I came out of there feeling like I'd just been diagnosed with stage IV cancer. The nurse reiterated that it's not cancer, and the doc said that for my health anxiety's sake, once they do the excision it is completely gone and I'll never have to worry about it again. It went in one ear and out the other. I cried for an hour in the car on the phone with my mother. My appointment is on the 21st. No idea how to handle this. I just got a new job. My girlfriend just landed a great design job so we can finally get on with getting our own place. All of this feels worthless now because I'm too afraid I'll suddenly get cancer and die. I have so many freckles and moles that I feel like a ticking time bomb with a 100% certainty of getting melanoma one day. Maybe I already have it and haven't even seen it. I straight up can't deal with this uncertainty. I showed him the other freckles I was worried about and he wasn't concerned with those at least, just took some pictures and said to keep an eye on them for changes. But now I'm back to worrying about this one spot that I thought I was completely over once it was cut out. Come to find out it wasn't a complete cut and that there's still parts left behind? I can't do this. I;'m thinking about having to call some sort of crisis number because I don't want to dump this all onto my girlfriend or my mother all over again. They can only do so much.

If being that angry gave someone a heart attack, I'd have died a thousand times by now. 😉 You're okay. It's uncomfortable, being that angry and the symptoms alongside it, but it'll pass. Your heart can put up with more than you think!

One of my longest obsessions when I was 19 was that I would develop schizophrenia. I feel terrible looking back on it, because I was making generalizations about what I thought schizophrenic people were like based on stereotypes and bad horror movies. I remember how real the obsession felt at the time, and how I'd compulse in the exact same ways I do now about physical illnesses. No difference at all in googling and reassurance seeking. When I think back on it, I can't imagine why I was so afraid to begin with. I'm hoping when I look back on the cancers I'm obsessing over now, I'll wonder the same thing. Once an obsession ends it all makes more sense and we can be more rational...it's just the getting there that's the problem. 😔

Posting here and musing/venting to keep myself from compulsing... I've managed to go three days without googling stuff about skin cancer, mainly health anxiety forums since I never read cancer forums, but I feel myself slipping. It almost feels like withdrawal. I feel myself getting irritable and jittery and wanting nothing more than to peruse anxiety forums for people afraid of the same thing as me. But I know the disease I'm phobic of is just a byproduct of my anxiety and not the actual issue at hand; besides, before this I was worried about lymphoma for a few weeks. Something always takes another thing's place. I think sometimes I forget that health anxiety is OCD, which is a weird thing to forget since I've had severe OCD my whole life. What makes health anxiety more difficult than some of my other non-health obsessions is that those other obsessions weren't about things like terminal illnesses or test results or my physical body. I'd worry more about things around me, not things inside of me. I was very afraid of other people hurting me and was extremely paranoid and jumpy. And I remember how deeply terrifying those obsessions were too. But somehow, I notice I go through stints where I'll wish for old obsessions to come back just so I could stop obsessing over cancer. This, of course, is crazy. I was doing horribly back then and I actually think I've improved a little since then, at least in terms of not completely shutting down and still fulfilling responsibilities. Back then I couldn't even leave the house or have a job or talk to people. I existed in this constant, constant terror and dissociated for months on end. Why on earth would I rather have that than my current obsession? I guess my whole point of this post is that I feel like I'm at the threshold of understanding something about this illness that is health anxiety. It's another facet of my OCD that just wears a different face. There's no real difference in any disease I worry about, because I follow the exact same patterns every time: notice a symptom, google, self-diagnose, panic, seek reassurance, obsess until I get bored and move on to something else. If I start seeing it like that--as a series of very unpleasant patterns that culminate in this huge, vicious anxiety--maybe I can get to the root of the problem. And the root, I think, is really just a deep-seated fear of losing control. I hope maybe this resonates with someone and gives a new perspective on what we're going through as anxiety sufferers. I'm going to try and go the rest of the day without googling. It's very hard, but realizing this has sort of shone a light on what I'm really afraid of, and reminded me that googling will not help and never has.