lonelybird

Hi. Thanks for your kind reply. Anyways answering some of your questions... Do I dislike people? No it's NOT that... It is not that I dislike people , I just don't trust most people. When you have been constantly insulted, verbally attacked on the street,physically threatened,treated like dirt and even sexually assaulted...That's enough right there for anyone not to want to trust anybody. I simply do not trust anyone. Btw have you even read my first post? Despite my problems,ironically I am also somewhat of a well known local celebrity due to having my own radio program out here. I interview very famous people within the entertainment industry. Nobody in my field knows about my Agoraphobia though,it is not something I discuss out in the open. Despite my luck, I feel alot of depression because I know generally most people don't care about what I do. I have links to my podcast,but I am not sharing it here openly though. Other than that I'll try to make getting out more a habit,but it's not gonna happen overnight.I also suffer from OCD and body dysmorphia. It is really hard just to get out even if it's just a walk down the block at times because of those things.

Okay today has been a huge milestone for me! I got sober a bit. I did not smoke at all when I woke up this morning. Took a bath,and threw on some decent new clothes on. Felt a bit nervous before I stepped out the door,but once I was on that sidewalk it felt back to normal somewhat. I walked 5 blocks up my neighborhood to the nearby urgent health care clinic,and tried to get my bad tooth checked by one of the dentists. Told me to comeback on Monday. I then felt "Oh damn, I walked all the way over here for nothing!!!!" LOL but then I also thought at least I am out and about finally. It actually wasn't that bad. I begin to think Agoraphobia,it's all just mostly in my mind, and getting sober a bit really did help. From now on, I will NOT smoke first thing in the morning. I will set goals to go out more often,and when I go out I will never be stoned. I will only save that for at the end of the day when my outside business has been taken care of. I actually feel so much better now having gone out for a short walk. At the moment however, am still dealing with alot of OCD. Had a bad argument with my roommate yesterday about handwashing. My roommate has this weird habit of dumping out the trash,and then digging into the fridge right afterwards without even washing her hands. So I confronted her about that and we had an awkward argument. Things have mellowed since,but I feel bad confronting my roommate about that,but at the same time I don't feel I am wrong to call my roommate out on that.

I am working my way towards that. I would like to be able to handle things on a much sober basis,and not feel bad about being sober either. When I am sober, I feel this emptiness like I need to get high again,and I feel miserable. As if I can't enjoy doing normal things anymore while sober. I know it didn't feel that way before I started smoking. There are benefits to marijuana but they are not as big compared to the big picture I think. Anyways I just set an appointment to see my therapist on the 10th. Wish me luck! I'm gonna try to force myself inside a taxi cab if that's what it takes to get there.

Hi there! Just an update on myself. I have not left the house yet Going into 8 months of 2017 and I haven't left the house! Things are kind of starting to feel claustrophobic at times,and maybe feeling stir crazy. Sometimes I think "Maybe actually this is a choice I am making too?"... I just hate being around people at times,they really annoy me. If I can afford it I'll just stay inside as long as I need,but starts to get boring. I'm just worried about my bad tooth,and getting too depressed to the point I don't feel I can function. I would like to cutdown on smoking cannabis too. I agree it might be making my anxiety worse,but not sure. It helps with my appetite and boredom,but I guess it doesn't motivate me to get out.

Hi there. Sorry you're going through it. Not sure what to say ,as I still am stuck at home myself,but I've been making plans to get out and really know I'll be getting out a few times at least before the summer's end. I reached out to my therapist today and hope to see her next month. Positive things are happening to me creatively lately too which has been a good sign. I do have my own radio show and that keeps me occupied. I still get very depressed though,and I had a small argument with my roommate today,but I'm gonna try not to let those things get me down.

I'm planning to get out next week. I'm gonna start off by walking around the block gradually,and drop something in the mailbox. Then if I feel even better I plan to visit my friend next Friday. Wish me luck! I feel incredibly nervous,but I feel more positive about it this time.

Wow some good words there to let sink in. Sounds easy,but I don't think I can go outside quite yet. I also suffer from extreme OCD on top of having agoraphobia It makes it hard for me to bathe at times because I don't like touching certain things with my bare hands. I think I have a toilet phobia because if I accidentally touch a toilet with my bare hands, I end up not wanting to touch anything else for the whole day,and I end up being completely depressed. Sounds crazy and I end up using latex gloves alot. Like right at this moment I am typing with gloves on my hands!! I know it is irrational,but feels like I am under this mental block. Not only the toilet,but I don't like touching the floor with my bare hands either. My roommate is a bit older than me,and is the opposite. She goes around touching a bunch of dirty stuff with her bare hands,like the garbage can,and then without washing her hands she goes to open the fridge like it's nothing. I have confronted my roommate about this alot,and we've gotten into really bad fights over it. She gets really annoyed when I ask her if she can wash her hands to the point I just have to accept and deal how she is. I don't want to be a control freak,and I try to avoid telling her what to do,but when stuff like that happens it really triggers my OCD really bad. I feel awful because my roommate never goes into my room at all because she knows if she touched anything personal of mine I'd freakout. Despite this,my roommate has been very patient with me. As long as I pay the rent,and foot the grocery bill things seem ok within the household. We get along very well I'd say 85% of the time. So today I woke up and accidentally touched something dirty,and now I feel I can't touch anything else for the whole day with my bare hands. I end up using gloves,and this feeling doesn't go away unless I slept,and feel fully rested. Somehow when I sleep my mind refreshes itself,and then I wake up dealing with not touching certain things. I feel my best however when I wake up and avoid touching the things my mind doesn't want to touch,and successfully get myself into the bath. After that I feel free to touch alot of my very valuable possessions,but still avoid touching bathroom stuff,the floor,and the garbage. I know that sounds really crazy,but I am not content with just mere handwashing. Like again if I touch the toilet with my bare hands,I don't feel I can touch anything else for the whole day even after washing my hands from it. Somehow a full night's rest makes that feeling go away. Ugh I don't want to be like this,but I don't know how to break out of this mental block I am in. I've read about "exposure therapy" with OCD patients,but it completely terrifies me. There's absolutely no way I can touch the toilet with my bare hands,and then go touching my prized possessions without washing my hands The thought of that makes me sick in my stomach,and yet I've heard that is a valid form of therapy. So I cannot go out yet,until I've had a full bath,and at least a plan on where to go even if it is to just walk around the block I feel at least there's some purpose to it like maybe grabbing a bite to eat or putting something in the mailbox. I still need to visit my friend's radio show,and working my way towards that. We also have a dog at home,and when my roommate was away on a business trip for a whole week last summer I had no choice but to go out and walk the dog. I felt that really me helped with my agoraphobia,but after that I had a relapse into depression last August and haven't done it since. My doctor prescribed me an anti-depressant medication last summer also,but felt it did not work and feel it is one of the causes I had a bad relapse. I know at some point I'm also gonna have to see a doctor. One of my tooth fillings fell out over a year ago,and at times I suffer from tooth pain. I told a few online dentists several weeks ago about this,and some of them were like "You better get it treated soon or else it can be fatal.." A part of me feels scared,but also a bit apathetic. On top of that I think I have carpal tunnel syndrome in my right arm. When I sit in certain positions I feel a tingling numbness shooting down my arm into my thumb and index finger. So that's where I stand today. Still feeling really trapped with all these issues. I hope next month will be positive.

Thank you for the replies so far! It's been very frustrating to say the least. I noticed I became fully agoraphobic after being fired from a radio station in 2014. Prior to that I was going out to places on a much more regular basis. Getting fired in 2014 really triggered this bad depression and made me more agoraphobic.I don't know how to overcome that. I also feel not very motivated to go out. I constantly feel this pressure over my physical appearance,and I feel really tormented. 80% of the time I dread how I look,and yet I keep getting messages on my Facebook from strangers saying they think my pictures look hot. If they only saw me with my actual problems up close I don't think they'd like me. I have a regular therapist but feel she doesn't do much. Haven't visited her since last July. I also feel heavily addicted to cannabis,and don't feel any real stimulation or interest in things unless i am totally stoned. Not sure if that is bad,I know on some level it is,but in general I feel very apathetic most of the time unless I am intoxicated on something. Today I am sober because I don't have anything to smoke until tomorrows,but this empty feeling and anxiety is really more prominent when I am sober. I wish someone can comeby and pick me up in their car and take me out somewhere actually! I haven't had a true friend like that in years.Most guys that do want to take me out want to use me,and aren't real friends. I am so sick of that. I miss having a real friend who is into the same things as me,and cares enough to comeby and checkup on me. Not sure where I can find that again.

Hi!!! Thought I'd bump this thread up. Still suffering and haven't left the house yet. This is one of the biggest reasons why I am always skeptical of forums like these.... They're filled with a bunch of people only concerned with their own issues,and when I waste my time to open up about personal issues to a bunch of strangers,it always seems to be ignored. If you assume I have it easy, I don't. I really wish more people would respond but I see how it is!!!!! Sorry I've wasted my time here.

Hi Gilly nice to meet you. I am in San Francisco,CA by the way. Was born and raised here. Yea I know what you mean about going to places. One of my favorite neighborhoods here in SF is the Haight-Ashbury district and I haven't even visited up there in nearly 5 years,and it's not even that far from where I live. I feel kinda ashamed of that,I used to go there almost everyday. I am looking into CBT but I haven't found a good option for that here. I got in contact with one doctor,but after my last email reply to her she never responded back. I get a feeling alot of times people don't understand how hard this illness is,even some health professionals I feel don't get it. I usually don't post on these types of forums either,but I think I'll read this alot more. I also have been incredibly depressed lately. Certain plans I made last year never fell through,and makes me feel like a failure. I feel defeated, jaded, and wishing I had done things much differently. Not sure how I'll get over that feeling,but I'll try to take small steps. Thank you for replying to me.

Hi I don't know where to begin this but I am new here,and I have been experiencing severe agoraphobia for the last several years. You can call me Anne btw. Not my real name though( I am also a radio personality and don't want people to know this is really me),but you get what gender I am. I was actually officially diagnosed agoraphobic by an actual doctor in 2004,but lately feel it has gotten way worse compared to the last decade. As of right now,I have not left my house since December,and prior to that since July,and so forth. 2015 I hardly went out at all. Only two times to visit my friend's radio show and to use an ATM machine nearby,and that's it. I live with a roommate who is much older than me too. She knows about my illness but alot of times doesn't seem to get it,and during arguments brings it up as if to insult me and make me feel as if it is my fault. I don't think it is my fault... it was NOT this bad before,and also this is not a choice I am making. Several things that have made my agoraphobia worse I think: 1) My younger brother and grandfather who raised me both passed away earlier this decade, and that has sent me into a spiralling depression making my agoraphobia worse. 2) I have been attacked in public,both verbally and nearly physically by men,and that has produced enough trauma for me not to want to go out. I used to get sexually harassed in public also,and that has made me not want to go out either. It even stresses me out to think about those things. 3) I use marijuana on a daily basis. My roommate brings it to me or I have it delivered.Don't think that is the main problem but I am sure it doesn't help my condition either. 4) I have most things delivered online these days like groceries and stuff. I dread going to the store. I just don't feel comfortable around people. I never liked being in big crowds. 5) I have body dysmorphia. I have also been made fun of in public. I am very sensitive towards criticism based on my looks. 6) I feel I have an addiction to the internet. 7) I also suffer from Trichotillomania(hair pulling) and feel it makes my body dysmorphia even worse. I've tried anti-depressants also before and nothing seems to work. They put me on one last summer,but it did not work at all. Irony is that I also have my own radio program. The station I am currently on lets me air it from my home though,and I never have to meet them face to face. Proir to that I used to work for another station nearby where I actually had to physically leave my home to their studio in order to air my show there. They fired me back in 2014 though. That also has sent me into a deeper depression. So over the last few years ,on and off ,I have been trying to improve my condition by trying to go out and see my therapist,but it's been realy difficult. The last time I was out in public last December,honestly I did not feel very comfortable. I nearly fainted at one point and it wasn't a pleasant experience. I am just so depressed at the moment, I just don't know how to get out of this agoraphobia I've been in. On top of that I also suffer from severe OCD. I use gloves whenever I touch things. At times I feel my problems alienate my roommate and I ,but mostly she doesn't really try to bring it up unless she gets stressed over money and we argue. I feel incredibly s*****al at times though. I get s*****al thoughts on a daily basis. I have also alienated most of my family because of my problem. I haven't spoken to my mom since 2014,and haven't with my father since 2004. I hide behind my radio show alot but I don't think my listeners know how troubled I actually am. Then again my show isn't all that huge,although I have interviewed many celebrities which is ironic.That is also very stressful on some level. People hardly visit me these days either. Ugh I feel so confused and feel so much pain everyday. I am very frustrated and hope to find help soon,but don't know where to find it. I do not feel my regular therapist has been helping me really.I used to go out and do normal things,but now avoid what I used to love doing and that really bothers me. I missed going to a concert last September by my favorite band due to my illness for example. I hate this illness and alot of times feel very lonely with it.