Belladora

You people are wonderful. My heart goes out to Bterflymom. No matter whether your problem is the same as mine or different. Anxiety is anxiety and panic is panic. You know when it began and maybe it's situational. Hopefully things are ok for your granddaughter. You will be in my thoughts. There is no miracle cure. I have found that out after 40+ years. I self medicated for 5 years with alcohol and 25 years ago replaced the alcohol with medication. At one point I was on 6 mg of Klonopin and then they switched me to Xanax. I have been slowly withdrawing from the medication. It has taken 4 years to get to only 2 mg daily. I am disappointed I am so medication dependent. The older I get the more I realize the toll this disorder has taken on my family. The depression is deep and dark and the good days are to be cherished. Helping other people has been my greatest source of coping. I had to retire when I was 45 due to panic attacks. It has been a difficult ride for everyone involved. I have 3 sons and they are macho men. I brought them up not to be weak as I thought I was. So there is no understanding there. They firmly believe it's all in my mind. My daughter suffers from an anxiety disorder but works hard to function at a high level. I think I am just plain tired from the battle. Do not kid yourself. It is a battle and a daily one. Only those who suffer with us truly get it. I have seen specialist in Agoraphobia.. a joke. I am the specialist, I live it. Sorry if I seem unduly harsh. It's my negativity getting the best of me. My safety phrase is " this too shall pass" when I am in a full blown attack. It's true, it does pass. The fear of the return of that way again keeps us down. My children would be happier if I had a physical disability and not what they consider a weakness. As a single parent of four I had to earn a good pay and function at a high level.. I just burned out. I am praying my daughter is able to maintain better than I have. Thank you very much for the welcome, comments and advice. Every word is important and the understanding is critical to my well being.

Hi, My name is Belladora. I was diagnosed many years ago. I have been dealing with Panic Disorder and Agoraphobia for over 40 years. I was housebound for 3 years and eventually got out. I maintained as best I could. Just in the past 3 months I have had a complete relapse. I can go short distances, 1 mile radius. I have pushed that radius and ended up drained for a week. It's not good enough to have the diagnosis now I need to figure out what happened. Well, long story but I will not bore you with details.