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About rainshadow1985

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  • Birthday 04/22/1985

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    collecting coin banks, weightlifting, fixing up old houses, reading, writing books and poems

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  1. always had been shy my whole life and never had more than three friends at a time. used to get beat up all the time and twice was sent to the hospital for broken bones and punctures. i know now that im probably physically safe but i still have the fear of being judge for who i am.
  2. not really sure how to get over this fear. i believe i did all i could but still havent improved. i even force myself to get out in public and talk to them. i even work in a resturaunt where i HAVE to talk but i still have trouble making friends. my coworkers been really nice to me and trying to get me to talk to them but when i try, i get scared at the last minute and i just avoid them. i really want to make friends but just afraid.
  3. welcome, yes i use it. im still fairly new here too but i find it is nice here. give it a day or two after a meaningful post.
  4. i forgot one of your questions, the living arrangements. i dont believe i can do anything about it right now. i already done as much as i could.
  5. Hi Jon, yes every few months. i had never told her about my anxiety or depression but i believe she knows. every time i go, i lost more weight and every test she runs except two has came back negative. the two doesnt really bother me much and dont think it is related. one is prediabetic and the other is asthma. she did tell me i am prone to migraines and sometimes i can go completley blind for a few hours than regain my sight. and sometimes my eyes will play tricks on me when i have a migraine but she told me that i shouldnt worry just yet about it. i do admit i am a little concerned but im taking her word for it right now. but she does ask me each time how my stress level is. so i do believe she knows but i never had told her how much or what about. she doesnt ask any further when i tell her that. not very many people know about all that i have because i have trouble trusting people enough. i had several people walk out on me when i open up and i just cant do it anymore. half of them was therapists. im doing good today. wasnt a perfect day but better than the past week. thank you so much for your posts.
  6. hi, im new here too but so far i like it here. i have anxiety, ptsd, ocd, and depression. i can understand how you feel about your dad. i went through that too. they do seem to be supportive.
  7. yes, i agree with bterfly, you are encouraging john. yes i do mean the sudden flashes. i also have been hallucinationing so bad lately too, i keep seeing things move when they really are stationary. once i tried to catch something i thought was falling off a counter but it was just sitting there just fine and not going anywhere. i know it is because of being sleep deprieved and stress but it has me concerned because it is getting worse. and now at work for the last two days i keep trying to black out. im afraid im going to soon and wake up on the floor. i too have seriously considered going to the hospital because i too have lost a lot of weight for the past three months. im 30 in a few months, 5'3'' and only weigh 100 now. i cant stop losing weight and it has me and the doctor worried. im trying everything to gain weight but to no avail. i even tried eating a lot of junk food but still keep losing weight. my body is now suffering because of it because im constantly tired, cant move without pain, and i look bad. and just an hour ago and still going on now, my anxiety is through the roof. i have a huge fear of fire and afraid for my fiance being out. my furnace blew and im sitting here literally watching my furnace every minute until he gets back. im hoping he gets back real soon but it is dangerous out right now where i live so im also afraid for his safety. and on top of that it is very cold, half the house is dark and no heat.
  8. thank you gilly so much for understanding. yes it has gotten worse and it is because of the stress. stress is my number one trigger. yes they are my kitties they love to pile on top of me when im feeling down and it does help most of the time but lately i just dont feel it anymore. i know they are trying to love me up but i just been pushing them away. i have been looking into going back to a therapist but just not sure if i will. the holidays are the hardest for me. the rest of the year i do ok so i dont know if i should go since it is only a few months of the year. this year is the worst for me though because i lost many friends and family and they were my support system. thank you for the link. i will check it out in a little bit, just need to try to get some rest. but thank you again for being there.
  9. ok thank you. right now, just mostly feeling alone. been going through a lot of changes that all hit at once. been under a lot of stress because of it. been having trouble with flashbacks almost every night too. each time i have one, it scares me so bad i cant breathe, my heart races to the point where it actually physically hurts, cant stop shaking. i just want to be able to get it under control because my boss is now fussing at me because i havent been able to perform as well.
  10. ok, thank you jonathan. im still trying to figure out the site though. where do you find dr. weekes work? im sorry, not trying to be a pest. i dont go online much and still learning everything
  11. Thank you lonesailor. not exactly sure how this site works. how does the chatroom work? says i cant get on it until i post on a forum and i did but it still wont let me. Do i just post on here or am i suppose to post somewhere else? Thank you so much for replying.
  12. thank you so much for replying. i have gone to a therapist and they continue to switch on me. they either retire or refer me to someone else. i just cant get comfortable to talk to them because of the fear they too might leave again. i used to be on meds and the last one was paxil but since i havent been able to see anyone, i havent been able to get any prescriptions. it is like as soon as i open up to them, they leave. it hurts badly. i dont know how many more times i can handle that.
  13. I just came to help find a support system and be able to talk about how i am feeling. I have been getting worse just this month alone and i am at the end of the rope. i have constant flash backs and severe anxiety among other things. been feeling extremely alone lately too. i just want to be able to talk to someone without being judged.
  14. I have anxiety, panic attacks, depression, ocd, ptsd. Just this month alone it has gotten so bad I'm at the end of my rope. I have been struggling for most of my life, starting at age 5. These constant feelings of being alone is making me feel worse by the day. I havent been able to get enough sleep or eat. I just dont know what else to do. I tried to stay positive but its getting nearly impossible. All i want to do and have been is just cry. I cried myself asleep for the last few days.