staemosk

I was extremely close to telling my mother today when she picked me up from school and we were alone in the car together. I always get so close but it's terrifying to think that I would be an unwanted burden upon others.

Thank you for the advice. Contrary to popular belief: this teenager does not drink copious amounts of coffee or energy drinks as per the norm. I can safely say that caffeine is not enhancing my anxiety. Reading these comments have made me start shaking though and I'm not quite sure why, even though it is rather cold here.

I just typed out a fairly large response to this, but being new at this website I managed to delete it accidentally. I'll just sum it up briefly: I spend a whole lot of time in seclusion both at school and at home. Ideally this should make me more relaxed, but it infuriates me and scares me at the same time. I can't bring myself to do anything, whether it be homework or just a simple task like getting something to eat. In my mind this is incredibly pathetic, and it's chipping away at my self esteem. Some people would just call it being lazy, but It's like there's a wall in front of me that normal people can easily go through, but it's impossible for me because only I can see the wall.

A huge amount of my day is spent in seclusion both at my house and in school. At school it's more of a mental seclusion and I tend to zone out a lot because I'm over thinking everything. At home I'm typically just in my room on the internet all day. I've tried going outside more often but it just makes me even more depressed taking walks all alone. In short, I have plenty of time that is off guard and relaxed, but that may be part of the problem. Having so much time to think makes me over think. On top of it all I can only sometimes make myself do schoolwork which is pathetic considering how much free time I have. Or, at least, it is to me. This is really chipping away at my self esteem.

My fingers are shaking as I type; I don't really tell anybody about this so this is all new to me. I'm currently 17 years old and in high-school, so I'm not sure if this is just something that every pubescent teenager growing into their emotions deals with and I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I've been extremely anxious in both social situations and pointless everyday situations as well for about four years now. By pointless I mean that there are tons of irrational fears that I deal with. I over-analyze situations in my head and always say the wrong things. I have an immensely tough time saying what I feel and expressing myself because I'm terrified that it will come out sounding stupid. I usually just end up stammering out some garbage that I don't even mean to say. I am by no means popular in high school, if that gives you any idea as to my social standings. I do have some friends, but I'm a completely different person around them. They only know me as the guy who's funny but almost tries too hard to be so. I end up doing the same thing with my family but it's a slightly different persona. I feel like i'm trapped inside this guy who doesn't act anything like me, and I hate him. I hate myself for being that guy. I hate myself for never being able to do my homework or study even though it would be so easy to do. I hate myself for being stupid, even though I know, or at least I like to believe, that i'm intelligent. Every past relationship I've had, which isn't much considering that i'm only 17, has lasted about a week. I always end up assuming the worst after every text and every meeting. "Oh, she must hate me now." I think, "I'm just too weird I can't handle this." Almost every aspect of my life is dominated by these fears and irrational excuses that I make to avoid doing anything. The only reason I've decided to talk about it is because recently I've been staying up late unable to sleep because i'm either scared or over-thinking everything about my anxiety. This causes me to be late to school in the mornings which is fucking horrible. They stare at me as I come in and I just look to the ground, hoping to god that the teacher doesn't make a remark. If he does I have to just laugh it off or make a joke about my being late all the time or something. More and more pressure to be "that guy." The worst part about this is that I can't tell anyone. Partially because of fear, and partially because of my mother. For the past two years my older brother has made her life hell. Let's just say he does things without caring about how they will affect the people around him. He doesn't give a shit that they love him and are hurt by what he does. My mother loves him unconditionally, so you can imagine how hard this has been for her. This brings me back to why I can't tell anybody, but you've probably figured it out by now: I can't have my problems become another issue that she has to deal with. The guidance counselors at my school probably have some parental disclosure thing, so that's not an option. My friends would be taken aback if I told them this, and I really doubt the effectiveness of telling other teenagers. I need help; I can't deal with this anymore. Getting out of bed in the morning takes all I have. Every day I have to go through not having my homework or worrying myself stupid about how I won't have a future with my shit grades. To a normal person they might seem like trivial high school worries, but to me they're just so painful. In the end I'm not even sure whether I need help, or if I need to just stop being a dumbass and do something about it, even though I know that I can't. So if anyone actually reads this: I need help, and I don't know what to do anymore. Every day I feel like I'm more and more worthless. I feel like I want to disappear.