Thanks for listening. All of you responding to my post reminds me I'm not alone and that's important to me. I didn't mention earlier i am seeing a therapist. He has talked with me about gad, and also ocpd. I don't think i have been diagnosed and i don't care to be. I am learning CBT right now and find it to be difficult and extremely uncomfortable but im trying. I understand the instinctive struggling idea and it is a new prospective for me, one i will consider. In all honesty, my initial thought process on that idea is very black and white... Not struggling feels like I'm going against everything i know and it feels like I'm just laying down and giving in...i might as well just be done then. If i fight... Because i am a fighter, doer, fixer....I find reason and purpose. In the same breath though, everything i know isn't working anymore. I take Ativan sparingly. Its a sandy beach, warm sun in-your-face kind of place all in a little pill! But, it's just a quick fix and i hate pills. I have been this way my whole life-hiding anxiety, panic, fear, however a simple misfortune in my life 6 months ago triggered this hell.I feel like I have lost control which has caused a downward spiral into an Alice in Wonderland type hole for me. I am struggling to pretend everything is normal. I just want get in my car and drive until the road runs into the ocean, get out, wave my hands in the air and scream " Okay God, i get it! please give me my life back now!" Seems this is some sort of lesson i am supposed to be learning or way of saying " you can't run from your problems forever my dear."
